Gazongas Galore...

"Record-Breaking Breasts"

Melons

Um...What was this idiot thinking? Someone needs to tell her that she looks like she has a naked ass on her chest...and not in a good way.

I seriously think that those things smell like cheese in the folds under the actual boobs. How can she possibly reach around and clean under there? For that matter, how can she put on her damn socks and shoes!!! Something tells me she's probably wearing stilettos though. It's kind of hard to swing around a stripper pole in flats...

Weave Me Alone...

"Port St. Lucie woman says ex-boyfriend snatched wig, rode away on bike"

God I love Florida.

Where else can you admit over a cell phone to the police to snatching your ex-girlfriend's wig, slapping her and then riding off into the sunset (well actually it was 3am but you get my drift) without fear of reprisal?

So...she had "naturally blond" hair underneath the black wig? Sounds fishy to me. I'm wondering if the blond hair wasn't a wig as well. And if so, why didn't she use the same glue on the black wig as she did the blond? At least that adhesive held, even with the added smack for good measure. Must have been Gorilla Glue...

The most awesome thing about the whole incident (well, second most awesome thing if you count her not knowing what the hell her ex-boyfriend's last name was...even though she lived with him for 8 months) was that he hung up on the police after they asked his name.

Are we still in the primitive age of not having the basic functions of caller ID? Was his name not programmed into her phone when he called? Actually, from all the evidence provided it might have been misspelled so scratch that one... Can we not call the carrier and get a name? There's enough technology out there to find out who the hell that is if we cared, but obviously, we don't.

I guess it's much more satisfying to speculate and ponder the stupid...at least I think so...

101 Uses For A Vacuum...

"Swan Creek Township, Michigan, man jailed for activity at car wash"

There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:

1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?

2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?

3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?

Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?

On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...

I'll Have The Scrambled Eggs And A Side of Moonshine...

"Tenn. bus driver accused of DUI with kids aboard"

Oh Christ on a cross! When are these hillbillies going to learn that you drop the kids off before you hit the bottle and not vice versa?

I like how she calmly just strolls out into the center of the street and takes a nap. She couldn't have been that fucked up as she managed to at least pick up all her stops. I can totally see her doing the drunk navigational trick of driving with one eye closed to avoid the old double vision fairy.

Now what I really want to know is if she had curlers still in her hair and if she actually took her dentures out before she passed out; you know anyone in Tennessee over the age of 15 doesn't have all their teeth, well their own teeth anyway...

A True Stink Bomb...

"Middle School Girl's Perfume Sends 11 Students, Bus Driver to Hospital "

This is totally retarded, yet quite befitting a mid-schooler.

It must have been J-Lo's "Glow"...either that or Paris Hilton's "Just Me"...

Being that the vapors were so toxic, the government should look into this fragrance as a chemical weapon. Imagine the possibilities.

"If you're out for a night on the town or dirty bombing a Afghan village, GLOW from J-Lo"...

Really?...

So...I was walking into work yesterday and saw this pregnant chick outside smoking while rubbing her enormous belly. Really?

Obviously she has not read the God damn Surgeon General's warning on the pack which is PLAIN AS DAY. I almost expected her to have one tooth in her head and pull out a flask of her poison of choice right there in the smoker's paradise (the little enclosed area where you are allowed to smoke on site).

What was ridiculous is there were about 5 other people out there smoking as well and they were totally ignoring the fact that there was a preggo idiot huffing on a menthol. Literally the pink elephant in the room...

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Momma, Daddy Dun Blow'd Up...

"Conway Man Dies Tampering With Electric Meter"

I guess that was a bad idea...

This story just screams redneck from head to toe:

Exhibit A: The name of the "victim" Lonnie Montgomery. The only way this would have been any better is if his name had "Jr." attached.

Exhibit B: The scene of the crime, Skunk Hollow Road. This name is pure gold! Reminds me of that Sissy Spacek movie "The Coal Miner's Daughter". They lived down in the "holler".

Exhibit C: The use of jumper cables to power your trailer. Well I can't be quite sure that it was a trailer but I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I digress...Who else would have the ingenuity and sheer genius intellect to think that a pair of jumper cables would be sufficient in directing massive electrical current into your home from a meter box? Sure, there are a lot of non-hillbillies out there who would do the same thing BUT would they still be clutching the damn thing till the very end I ask you? No, I didn't think so...

Here are a few redneck jokes that I came across recently:

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

I'm Burnin' Up, Burnin' Up For Your Love...

"Pennsylvania Baby Sitter Admits to Burning Boys With Cigarette, Iron"

Damn, this is one hardcore bitch! Just the kind of sitter some of these kids nowadays need! LOL!

I'm wondering what in the world these kids did to deserve being burnt with a lighter, cigarettes and a freakin' iron! 20 times no less! Whatever it was, you know they aren't going to pull those shenanigans anymore...

Maybe they should let this bitch watch over the military guys who killed off their girlfriends/wives. I'm sure they wouldn't get far trying to do this one in.

I'd love to see a reality show like Big Brother with this chick in the house...And by the way, didn't the parents have a clue as to what kind of person this woman might have been?

If You Feel Something Kicking, Just Aim It To The Left...

"Pregnant Prostitutes To Face Charges "

This is totally nasty.

I used to have a friend who was preggers and unbeknownst to me, I later discovered that she was "dating" men who had a penchant for distended bellies and breast milk.

Gross - I know. We went to high school together and I have since lost touch. Probably for the best actually, LOL...

I like how one of the women was 8 months pregnant. Can you imagine hiring her and in the middle of whatever you were paying for the water breaks! Very classy...

Just Plain Gross...

"Largest Animal Shelter in U.S. Will House 2 Dogs Trained to Have Sex With Women"

These poor animals...

This is just heartbreaking and seriously gross. What the fuck is wrong with people out there? It seems like everyday that goes by, the crazier people get. WHO THE HELL would train their dogs to have sex with them? Apparently these people did, but I'm wondering if they are actually right in the head. Dirty...

I feel sorry for the kid that originally found the recorded tapes showing HIS OWN MOTHER fucking the dogs. I'll tell you, if that was me who saw that kind of stuff involving my own mother I would seriously question my own origin. Every thing you knew about your mom would come into question because if she is capable of this, anything would be possible and, quite obviously, not out of the question...

I'm still kind of sick reading about this stuff.

I Didn't Know Amy Wino Was In Town...

"Cops: Woman Battered Beau With Toilet Seat: Floridian, 18, attacked after finding boyfriend smoking crack in loo"

Ha ha ha! Now this is my kind of woman...

If you have an 8 month old child the last thing you need to be spending money on is crack dumb ass! He was probably supposed to go out and buy pampers and instead he came back with stones. The piece de resistance of the whole event was the domestic violence pamphlet that was left at the scene of the crime.

If I had the money, I would totally bail this chick out and pay for her lawyer, but I don't so it's a moot point...

Fuck The Exterminator, I Got's A Gun...

"Woman Shoots Herself While Trying to Kill Mice"

Mice

One word: Idiot

You Tell Me...

So, I'm going to sound like a total racist here but it is what it is...

The building that I live in is a fairly nice 5 story condo enclave with "key access only" around the perimeter and a lobby accessible only by a key and call box which every unit is hooked into. Sounds pretty safe right? We have parking by permit and security that patrols every so often (I can't really say they are effective but they are present).

So, there was virtually a zero percent crime rate on the premises until (at least since I have been there and it's going on 3 years as of August)...here it comes (the racist part)...several black families have moved in. Apparently, a few owners have decided to buy up the empty units and rent them out. Since said families have moved into the complex, we have had several cars broken into, a motorcycle stolen, a few of the garages have been broken into (some have had the fencing separating them cut with bolt cutters) and items stolen from these privately owned garages, the laundry room has become a dumping ground for all kinds of shit like garbage, old unwanted clothes and miscellaneous household items such as air filters, pots, etc. The elevator has had the lights replaced at least twice because someone keeps popping the light bulbs, not to mention someone has taken to etching all kinds of graffiti into the doors of said elevator with a key possibly and there is now trash being left all over the fucking place like the hallways, elevator and grounds.

We recently got a notice from the association stating that "someone" has recently been throwing their cigarette butts out the window of their unit and has started the bushes directly below them on fire not once but twice!

Isn't there a fucking pre-rental screening of the possible occupants? WTF?

I feel like I have now all of a sudden been moved into ghetto-ville. I also have a guy (yes he is black also) who just moved into a studio down the hall from me. Apparently, there are now 5 people living in that studio including a very loud girlfriend and her 2 year old child, a shady looking 6 foot 7 inch friend whom I have caught "accidentally" trying the doors of other's on the floor and some random guy who shows up every other week. And believe me, they are not quiet in the least.

So you tell me, am I racist or am I right? I don't see any coincidences here actually...

I Wonder If It Was A Leather Thong?...

"Man Accused of Walking Down Interstate Wearing Thong, Fake Breasts"

What an ugly women this guy would have presented, in a thong, fake breasts and wig no less.

ROFL! This is actually right down the street from where my friend lives. The guy looks like your average trucker, who in general, are the ones to indulge in such affairs. Sometimes I wonder what possesses these guys to do such things. If you want to do that in the privacy of your own home, have at it. But, please, don't subject my delicate eyes to such a fright...

A Good Idea Actually...

"Angry Kids Protest Gas Prices After Mom Cancels Cable TV"

It's either food or cable, what do you want?...

I'm curious to see what these 2 girls look like. I picture them as total couch potatoes.

Seriously, God forbid if we actually have to go outside to play and entertain ourselves rather than sit in front of the appropriately named "boob tube". I'm sure they would have done the same thing if Hannah Montana was cancelled. The next protest will be about mom having to buy Toasted O's at Walmart instead of name brand Cherrios...

I'm looking forward to the first round of celebrity gas endorsements. Like the first few would all be "B" list celebrities like: "Judith Light for Exxon Mobile" or "Corbin Bernsen uses only Shell". Then when they realize that people actually are falling for this gimmick they'll get someone like P-Dildo to appeal to the black market, Julia Roberts for the housewives out there and some action hero like the Rock to schlock to the male demo. Should be interesting...

Moms To Die For...

It seems that whenever you see child abuse cases in the news they are generally hardcore and these 2 are no exception:

Caged boy 'skinned, eaten by family'

Extreme Torture of L.A. Boy Prompts Outrage Toward State Agencies

It's really sad that some people out there have absolutely no compassion or feelings toward a life other than their own. I couldn't imagine doing any of this crap to my dogs let alone a child I gave birth to. What the F is wrong with people? All of these woman should be locked up and made to sit in their own shit and piss for days and see how they like it.

Just pondering on that one for a minute here. What if the price you paid for your crimes was truly "an eye for an eye"? Can you imagine? Would the crime rate drop in this country? Do you think it would deter criminals from doing what they do? I think maybe if it was televised, that may make an impact. Then again, we'd probably have people trying to do shit just to get on TV...

If This Cardboard Box Is A Rockin'...

"Report: Gloucester Teens Had Pact To Get Pregnant"

Stupid pregnant teens irk me. There's just something sad about a girl who doesn't have the brains or will power to keep her legs crossed...

Are you kidding me? Seriously, what a bunch of morons to even think this was anywhere in the vicinity of a good idea. Our country is totally going to hell and it's starting to really become a contest among the millions of idiots out there as to who can become the next outrageous headline. Like this:

"We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," he told Time.

LOL! Where are all the parenting skills in this country. People need to start taking control over their kids, start beating their kids asses more often and stop letting them run fucking amok...

Suck In The Gut Baby...

"Dinged By A G-String? Woman, 52, sues Victoria's Secret, claims injury from defective thong"

Is this the front or the back?

Oh Good Lord... What next? I thought this was going to be some kind of ass crack or hoo-hoo injury not an EYE INJURY! How the hell was she putting these damn things on? She's probably overweight and tried to fit into something not designed for the size of her ass and the damn thing snapped and poked her eye out. They even asked to examine the garment but the plaintiff refused. They were probably all stretched to capacity and shredded and it probably would have hindered her lawsuit.

It reminds me of that scene in Polyester where Cuddles was trying on the "designer" dresses but she was really chubs and she kept ripping them apart over her gut and upper punky fat. Hilarious...

Would You Like A Push-Pop Or A Ding-A-Ling Push-Up?...

"Ice Cream Truck Driver Charged With Raping Girl, 13, He Met on MySpace"

Do you have anymore of those Ding-A-Ling specials?

Oh my. Where the fuck were these ice cream trucks when I was a hungry 13 year old? Truly a fitting company name for this driver. Of course, the question that I always ask is: Was he hot?...

Every time I see these child molestation articles I always think of my high school principal who was arrested for playing with boy's pink-bits. He later died in jail. I always thought that maybe I was ugly because he never made a move on me when I was in school. Although I was in his office one day and it was really kind of creepy. He had this kinky hair and Charles Nelson Riley glasses. He always wore these cowboy boots, polyester pants with a rodeo type buckle on the belt and these odd looking ties that always seemed to be striped and multi-colored. He was pretty cool, aside from the molesting thing, and you could call him CJ instead of his proper name. My good friend lived on the other side of the wall from him and never mentioned any shenanigans on his part, which is strange because they all had bodies from hell. He probably watched them from his upstairs window (he had a three story house, I know, on a Principal's salary) and had relations with himself. Awkward...