Would You Like A Push-Pop Or A Ding-A-Ling Push-Up?...

"Ice Cream Truck Driver Charged With Raping Girl, 13, He Met on MySpace"

Do you have anymore of those Ding-A-Ling specials?

Oh my. Where the fuck were these ice cream trucks when I was a hungry 13 year old? Truly a fitting company name for this driver. Of course, the question that I always ask is: Was he hot?...

Every time I see these child molestation articles I always think of my high school principal who was arrested for playing with boy's pink-bits. He later died in jail. I always thought that maybe I was ugly because he never made a move on me when I was in school. Although I was in his office one day and it was really kind of creepy. He had this kinky hair and Charles Nelson Riley glasses. He always wore these cowboy boots, polyester pants with a rodeo type buckle on the belt and these odd looking ties that always seemed to be striped and multi-colored. He was pretty cool, aside from the molesting thing, and you could call him CJ instead of his proper name. My good friend lived on the other side of the wall from him and never mentioned any shenanigans on his part, which is strange because they all had bodies from hell. He probably watched them from his upstairs window (he had a three story house, I know, on a Principal's salary) and had relations with himself. Awkward...

Ethel, Are You Using Again?...

"Tokyo Customs Agent Forgets $10,000 Worth of Marijuana in Random Passenger's Suitcase"

Weed

Seriously, why can't this type of shit ever happen to me? Can you imagine the serious munchie party you could have after finding that little metal case in your bag! The tragedies that befall some people...