My Girlfriend Is Patent Pending...

"Blow-up Doll Party: Floridian nabbed for public ménage a trois with plastic partners"

Disturbing...

This guy is either totally ahead of his time in the artificial girlfriend department or he's just totally lonely.

After reading the article I would add "totally clueless" as well. When having sex with blow-up dolls, you must first take your pants off...I know this not from experience but from a good friend named Kathleen. (She's freaky like that...Shhh don't tell anyone)

There's One Born Every Minute...

"Woman out $400K to 'Nigerian scam' con artists"

Oh Christ on a stick. The most tragic thing about this story is that her intelligence quotient is low enough for her to agree to her picture being published. Looks like she was victimized yet again for our viewing pleasure.

I have absolutely NO sympathy for this idiot. This is just as bad as those emails that say I have won the Brazilian lottery or that I can get a free laptop by just "clicking here"!

I love the disclaimer at the beginning of the article that states she is no relation to Britney Spears, although they have the same last name. Nice touch...

Great Balls Of Fire!...

"Florida Woman Arrested for Burning Husband's Groin, Police Say"

HA ha ha! The mugshot that accompanies this story is classic. She looks like she just won the lottery or a free Egg McMuffin in that McDonald's Monopoly Game that's going on right now!

If you ask me, that's pretty cold to be burning up your husbands junk and to do it while he was sleeping is even more icy. Then again, maybe she was just done with the abuse the one eyed willie gave her over the years OR MAYBE she was mad because it hadn't been violating her lately. Let this be a lesson to all you men out there; you better give it up to your wife before she boils your lobster!

My First Time...

So...I think that I saw my first prolapsed ass the other night at the gym. I have previously spoken of the Creepy Old Guys at the gym who mysteriously appear in the locker room walking around naked.

They really have no business there as they aren't using the cardio equipment, weight lifting equipment, pool or sauna. They are JUST THERE. Anyway, I digress...Well the other night, one of these blue hairs was walking in this strange sort of awkward shuffle. He wasn't lifting his feet off the floor, just scooting them forward as he "walked", or hobbled if you will. Anyway, he was naked, of course, and as he rounded the corner ever so slowly I happened to look at his ass and saw what looked like his butthole hanging down below his ass cheeks. It was, in the utmost sincerity, one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a long while.

I am still scarred mentally I fear and now am really turned off to the fact that every time I enter that den of horror (the locker room) these crusty looking creatures are going to be there lurking. What's worse is that they sit on the benches in that locker room naked, and if they have these appendages, which almost look like the creatures from Aliens, birthing out of their rectums...Yuck, I can't even finish that sentence but you know what I'm getting at.

I am seriously wondering what can be done about these weirdos in the locker room...It's so gross.

Creepy Old Guys...

I would like to know why there are always old creepy guys haunting the locker rooms at gyms?

I go to a certain gym which will remain nameless (rhymes with Bally's) and there are always these crusty old men walking around naked in the locker room. They are usually wet and have no towel in plain site. They almost remind me of those soggy rats you see on made for television horror movies running around city sewer systems after some apocalyptic catastrophe.

Sometimes they are "drying" themselves off with the wall unit air dryers made for your hands. I saw a very wrinkly fellow a few days ago pulling his ass cheeks apart and placing said ass in the airflow of the dryer. Not a pretty sight by any means. He turns around and is combing out his white pubic hair with his fingers in the airflow as well. Wouldn't it be more sanitary to use a towel. Sanitary for me? Like I want to go and use that dryer after this old guy put his fingers in his ass crack and through his pubes all the while adjusting the nozzle on the dryer and pushing the big chrome button to turn it on. I don't want my hand touching that thing after all that.

I always feel like I should say something but don't want to cause a scene. The funny thing is you never see these guys working out. They are just there in the locker room...naked...

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Update...Damn, That's An Ugly Bird (Shots Fired)...

"Body ID'd as priest who flew on party balloons"

They found him...

Wow, I wrote about this one back in April! Poor thing. I wonder what happened?

Yoshi, Did You Bring The Air Pump And The WD-40?...

"73-year-old porn star bedazzles Japan's aged"

What does a 73 year old ding-dong look like? I shudder at the thought...

Well at least he is getting paid is all I can say about this one. I like 'em older myself but that's taking it a little further than I would like to venture!

Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha was dating the Jurassic looking old guy and was all into him until she saw his wrinkly saggy ass as he got out of bed naked, ROFL! Ah memories...

Lindsey Lohan In About 30 Years...

"Stripper, 80, still taking her clothes off"

Ewwww...

After seeing those hands of hers, I thank the powers that be and the online editor for not showing us the Full Monty in this article...

I'd Ask This Guy To Watch My House...

"Texas Man Cleared of Shooting Suspected Burglars Next Door"

Maybe Hernando and Diego should have gotten a job at the local Dairy Queen instead of ripping people off...

I heard the actual 911 call on this case a few months back and it was ridiculous. The guy was telling the dispatcher that he was going to shoot the 2 guys and guess what, he actually did! LOL. He sounded like your typical redneck but you what, I'd totally want this guy to be my neighbor. It sends a message out to these assholes who steal and rob from you that if your caught around here, you may not make it home to rob another family the next day.

I don't feel one bit sorry for the douches that were shot. Serves them right. Go get a fucking job and buy your own stuff...

Suck In The Gut Baby... Redux...

I also saw this winner on the news last night and I was right, as I wrote earlier in the week here, she is a pig. She was giving an interview with a reporter and came off as a total golddigger. First of all, she's in her 50's. Not to say that women of a certain age can't wear sexy undies, but would you really want to see that? And don't bring up Kim Cattrall...there are always exceptions, of course, and this mess was not even close. Secondly, I saw no sign of trauma to her eye or any lasting effects and it seemed like she was just totally looking for a way to bank some quick dough...

Why Do We Allow The Retarded To Conceal Weapons?...

"Child, 4, Shoots Self at Sam's Club With Grandma's Gun"

Granny Oakley's gun...

Why does this not shock me? All the elements are there: 1) In the South 2) gun toting granny 3) unsupervised rug rat 4) Wal-Mart...

Why does a fucking grandma have a gun in her purse? And most importantly, why the hell is she letting her grand kid rummage around in said purse knowing there's a loaded gun inside? The only thing that would surprise me about this story is if the grandma had more than one tooth in her mouth and if the baby had anything other than soda-pop in it's bottle (yeah I know the kid is 4 years old- it's the South! I bet it still wears diapers)...

Another Day In Paradise...

"Video of Gruesome Hit-and-Run Released by Connecticut Police"

Hit and run, ghetto style...

This actually happened a few blocks from where I live and honestly I'm surprised that it hasn't come out that the video camera used to record the incident was not stolen itself. What a fucking ghetto neighborhood the Park Street area is. I actually have seen quite a few hit and runs there and it's nothing new. That's probably why no one gave a shit about the guy in the street because it's so common. And in the driver's defense, however sick this may sound, the people in that area tend to walk right out in the middle of traffic. Apparently, the use of crosswalks has escaped the educational system in this town.

What shocks me is that nobody ran up and robbed the poor bastard as he was lying there...

Kids Drain Your Lifeforce...

"Teacher Dies Minutes After Retiring From 36-Year Career"

Dead teacher

How much does this suck? You spend all those years having to deal with all those bratty kids (I know, I was a fourth grader) and then you kick it right after you are finally paroled. It kind of reminds me of how smokers usually die off right after they give up the habit. It's like your body doesn't know what to do with itself. She must have been so used to giving the smack down in class that the thought of not being able to do that anymore shocked her. What's going to happen when I give up booze? I perish the thought...

She's Hittin' The Pipe Again...

"Is Grandma drugged up?"

Druggie grandma

Whatever she is on, I need that too. Then again, it seems as if I am walking around in a stupor all day anyway...

Seriously, I've seen some old people's medicine cabinets and they are always filled with all kinds of shit. I totally think drug companies throw out these pills and scare people into believing that they need something or else they will die. Do you feel sad? or happy? or angry? Then take this and you won't even feel your legs let alone your own emotions! Do you sometimes feel the urge to go to the bathroom? Take this and you won't care if you make it to the toilet or not! It's really sad they way blue hairs are taken advantage of.

Tap Once For Head, Twice For...

Bathroom Reading: Sen. Craig to write book about airport sex arrest...

I wonder if this one is going to be a "How To" manual?...It cracks me up that this old fart is still denying that he is "NOT gay and never has been gay". He just has those gay eyes if you ask me. Oh, and the bathroom blow jobs were kind of a give away...

Honey, What Is This Switch For?...

"Woman in iron lung dies after power failure"

Iron Lung

I could be so crass and start in on this one but even I am not that big of an asshole.

Probably Indigestion from Fast Food...

"Doctors look for cause of Kennedy seizure "

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/18/kennedy.hospital/index.html

Here's a clue...He's a fucking fat pig and drinks a lot. Maybe that had something to do with it? I wonder if he was flopping around like a piece of sizzling bacon? Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't get into the medical field...

Nevermind What I'm Doing...

"Bernie Ward admits to child porn in plea deal"

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/08/BAIR10J9JC.DTL&feed=rss.news

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll be saying it again, but the douchebags that scream the loudest are usually the offenders. Why is it that when you have some scandal of this caliber, it's almost always someone in a position to decry exactly what they were doing themselves. For instance you have that donut in Washington (Foley) who was an advocate for child welfare yet he was texting boys with naughty messages and sending pictures through the net in an effort to stake claim to that young ass he so desperately coveted. Spitzer...need I say more? Larry Craig and his "wide stance" in an airport bathroom who ironically was against a lot of same sex issues yet forgot about that when he was trying to get some in the stall of a toilet. He did everything but crawl into the next booth! It always amazes me that people are 1) that gullible and 2) that we keep these asses in the public eye and for some we even let them keep their jobs! It really makes Don Imus look like a girl scout in the scheme of everything...

My Bush Is Burning For You...

"New Mexico Apocalyptic Church Leader Arrested on Sex Charges"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354317,00.html

Are people really that stupid to believe any dumbass with a beard and shawl out there is Jesus? Being from New Mexico, I can't say that I am surprised that this was going on. I must say that the photo of "Jesus" is fabulous though. The shawl delicately draped across his shoulders and resting oh so gently on his windswept hair. Eyes looking off into the distance gathering visions to pass on to the followers. Makes me want to repent for that 3rd cocktail last night.

So he refused to have sex with virgins who had asked for a meat packing. Hmmm, sounds like bull Schlitz to me. What dirty old man, I mean righteous father figure head of a cult would refuse the poor young souls out there their one wish to get banged before they die and by "Jesus" no less. That would actually be a great excuse for not doing your homework, "Sorry, I was kinda busy last night. Yeah I had sex with Jesus." And what exactly does "Jesus" scream out at the moment of truth? "Oh God I'm coming!"? So twisted...