Gazongas Galore...

"Record-Breaking Breasts"

Melons

Um...What was this idiot thinking? Someone needs to tell her that she looks like she has a naked ass on her chest...and not in a good way.

I seriously think that those things smell like cheese in the folds under the actual boobs. How can she possibly reach around and clean under there? For that matter, how can she put on her damn socks and shoes!!! Something tells me she's probably wearing stilettos though. It's kind of hard to swing around a stripper pole in flats...

I'll Have The Fish Balls, Hold the Mayo Please...

"Poisonous Fish Testicles Send 7 Japanese Diners to Hospital"

People eat fish balls?

It intrigues me to think that someone actually sat there and thought out the removal and preparation of blowfish testicles. And with the added bonus of having people pay for it...I'm pretty sure this guy was a sadist.

I actually don't feel sorry for these donuts that got sick. As my great granny used to say "If you put rotten balls in your mouth, you're gonna get sick." Actually, she would never say that but it sounds like good advice for more than one situation...

I Hope It Was Trans-Fat Free Oil...

"Cosmetic surgery addict injected cooking oil into her own face"

This chick is probably one of the most pathetic creatures on the face of the earth.

So...is there anyone out there that would agree her rational for using her head as a pin cushion was: a) logical b) practical c) a sign that Obamamania has gotten out of control?

Looking at her pictures, it's hard to fault her for wanting to puff out her fucking face because it looks like a deflated balloon now that they let all the air out. I would think that by the time my face started rebelling against the surgeon's knife I would have thought twice about going back and said, "That's a wrap".

I believe this is a real disorder where people have addictions to plastic surgery. Another famous case that comes to mind besides the alien known as Michael Jackson is Jocelyne Wildenstein, or "Bride of Wildenstein" or "Wildebeast" as she is more commonly known as. Everytime I see her picture, I think of Rocky Dennis from the movie "Mask" starring the also afflicted Cher. Small world...

Does This Herpes Sore Make Me Look Fat?...

"Prostitution has not suffered drop-off despite economic meltdown"

Hmmm...Who would have known that donut punching with a professional was not hit by the economic crunch? Seems to me that I am slaving away in the wrong field according to this article.

The picture says it all. If you look at the knees of the depicted women, you will notice scuff marks and scars, a sure sign that they are, as stated, "still busy" during these hard...hard...hard economic times.

I like the one girl's bit of wiz-dumb imparted upon the reader:

"If men are horny, they're going to come in here." - Um...no shit. I would never have thought that.

"Sadie admits her business has suffered a bit in the fiscal crisis. Some clients are cutting back on their spending, and some aren't returning, she said." - Another reason for this could be that you aren't that good in bed...even with the discounted rate. Some pervs do have standards you know.

"With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college." - I think she meant, "How is he going to finish college?" Here's a thought: Have him get a fucking job and get the mattress detached from your back.

My mom loves me but I can guarantee that she wouldn't have gone out and gave head for my chemistry 101 textbook and the required lab goggles. Sounds to me like she is using her son as an excuse or she is truly so stupid that she hasn't ever heard of federal student loans.

Odd Auctions...

"Odd Online Auctions What would you bid on these items?"

These are actually kind of funny. I can't believe what people would put up for auction on Ebay! Some of the items that I considered are:

"Ball of Paper" - current bid $24.50. I love the tag in the headline "Could it contain the secret of life?". I say possibly... if it was used as a cumrag and now just wadded up. Then again I don't think that you can ship biohazardous material through the mail. Now that I think of this, they need to investigate this so called "Ball of Paper". It could be some type of terroristic Pandora's Box...

"Empty Popcorn Bag" - current bid $1.00. I would be weary of this one. You never know where their hands have been. How am I supposed to lick the inside of the bag without that vital piece of information?

"7 Orginal Antique German Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes" - current bid $38.98. Notice the spelling is wrong in the headline. Now do they mean "original" or is "Orginal" a place in Germany? If so, I would never buy from Orginal, only Berlin glass eyes are acceptable. Maybe Buchanau, only because I know a girl named Heike Gruber from there...

"A Cap From A Pen" - current bid $24.50. What's interesting about this one is that there are actually 2 bids on it. I can totally see this bidding war going nuclear about 5 minutes before the end of the auction.

This gets my wheels turning. I think I have a dust bunny made from cat hair under my bed and of course there's always pug bombs courtesy of Pugsley and Wednesday that I could auction...

A True Stink Bomb...

"Middle School Girl's Perfume Sends 11 Students, Bus Driver to Hospital "

This is totally retarded, yet quite befitting a mid-schooler.

It must have been J-Lo's "Glow"...either that or Paris Hilton's "Just Me"...

Being that the vapors were so toxic, the government should look into this fragrance as a chemical weapon. Imagine the possibilities.

"If you're out for a night on the town or dirty bombing a Afghan village, GLOW from J-Lo"...

Tom Is Going To Be Pissed...

"Scientologists charged with fraud in France"

Is this a surprise to anyone with half a brain?

For starters, if your being recruited for a "church" outside of a train station, or any other station for that matter (bus, train, gas, TV, hot dog...) then the zealots that are hounding you are probably crazy and full of shit. If said zealots are trying to sell you something then add shady to that list. God, or any other deity, doesn't want your money - he/she wants your soul. It's that simple.

These Scientologists are a scary species no doubt. It seems that they prey on the weak minded and after they have conquered your mind they go for your wallet. Any industry that makes you pay in order to "move up through the ranks" is either a scam (remember Amway?) or a higher learning institution. The only other place I have been financially raped and sodomized is college and the hell if I'm going to let a space alien do that to me as well!

What exactly is this religion about anyway. As far as I understand, you have to pay a certain amount of money to reach different plateaus of enlightenment within the organization and then you have to aggressively recruit other members in conjunction with the money you are shelling out so they can "donate" as well. The more money these people bring in under you, the higher you go. Sounds like a fucking pyramid scheme to me.

I watched the videos Toad Cruise made to entice other people to join and he seemed to be somewhat, okay who am I kidding, A LOT deluded and really creepy weird. Anyone who is prone to sudden fits of maniacal laughter followed by a dead stare into your eyes is not well. I'm just saying...Anyway I digress...The mere act of viewing these videos turned me off to the program. Besides the test to get in was way too long, so I gave up around question 25...

Curiosity Will Always Get You In Trouble...

So I'm listening to some Podcasts yesterday on my iPod and one of them had mentioned sex reassignment surgery or SRS as it is more commonly known. Unfortunately, that got the wheels turning in my head and I decided that it might be a good idea to see if I could find something online with pictures of the surgery.

I began my search of course by typing in "MTF vagina pictures" on Google and hit the images link and get a few pictures that pop up. Nothing too bad. I continue to nose around and am directed to another website about cosmetic surgery and there I am able to see before and after pictures of not only SRS but of vaginoplasty and of course the ever popular boob jobs. I also see some pictures of a Female to Male surgery result and what they describe as a "penis" looks like something that was caught in a meat grinder, but I digress...

After viewing the pictures, I feel a sense of accomplish as I had set out to find pictures and had, but I still felt that I wanted more. Then I think to myself, "I wonder if they ("they" being the Gods of the internet) actually have a surgery that I could watch online?" Don't ask me why I decided to look this up (I was already asked that last night) as I have no good explanation but I do tend to have a morbid sense of curiosity and feel comfortable blaming my actions on that. After a few brief moments of searching through what seemed like several bogus videos that didn't actually show anything interesting I came across this video (WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC! IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, SLIGHT DISCOMFORT AND SQUIRMING WILL ENSUE).

One word: BRUTAL.

After it was all over and I had the feeling that my balls were in my throat. They literally had run into my body and were hiding from the horror that was unfolding on the screen. Something about a pair of scissors and a knife near my jubblies (a word meaning genitals, Thanks Wanda Wisdom!) makes me feel ill at ease. I must admit the end result was impressive but the toll for the road to that ending was way too high a price in my book. Not that I had ever thought of doing that, but any type of surgery "down there" would be traumatic I suppose.

In the end, I could have lived without the image of having seen some guy's hoo-hoo turned into a haa-haa, but it was educational I think (at least I'm trying to tell myself that)...

Who Ordered The Microwaveable Rat In A Bag Special?...

"Wisconsin Woman Accused of Planting Dead Rat in Own Food"

What a nutcase...

Everyone knows that if your are going to plant a rodent in your food, you sure as hell better use a field mouse and not a white lab right you stupid idiot!

I think that her punishment should be to actually eat the rat, tail and all, exactly as she had planted it in her food. Maybe we could televise it also or simply make a new reality show about extortionist crime or stupid criminals in which the punishments are dealt out before a live studio audience. Probably be better than most of the dreck that's out there now...

Gotta Make That Donut Money Somehow...

"FLDS fashions for kids sold on enterprising Web site: Mothers say Texas raid forced them to market their clothing style"

Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph. A Clothing line for the kiddies.

Molesting dirty old men sold separately...

I wonder if the website has a rape bed for sale also, just like the ones in the church loft in Texas...

Suck In The Gut Baby...

"Dinged By A G-String? Woman, 52, sues Victoria's Secret, claims injury from defective thong"

Is this the front or the back?

Oh Good Lord... What next? I thought this was going to be some kind of ass crack or hoo-hoo injury not an EYE INJURY! How the hell was she putting these damn things on? She's probably overweight and tried to fit into something not designed for the size of her ass and the damn thing snapped and poked her eye out. They even asked to examine the garment but the plaintiff refused. They were probably all stretched to capacity and shredded and it probably would have hindered her lawsuit.

It reminds me of that scene in Polyester where Cuddles was trying on the "designer" dresses but she was really chubs and she kept ripping them apart over her gut and upper punky fat. Hilarious...

The Shit Hits The Fan...Literally...

"Space station's sole toilet out of order"

Broken toilet

Well thank you Jesus for the shit fan still working. Can you imagine the sheer funk that would be floating around in there? Nothing like swatting a flying turd out of your way as your trying to watch some TV.

I think this is a conspiracy on the part of the Russians. They intentionally wanted us to fester in our own poopy-time. Makes me wonder how all that imported vodka is made...At least the alcohol will kill any bacteria...I hope...