Weave Me Alone...

"Port St. Lucie woman says ex-boyfriend snatched wig, rode away on bike"

God I love Florida.

Where else can you admit over a cell phone to the police to snatching your ex-girlfriend's wig, slapping her and then riding off into the sunset (well actually it was 3am but you get my drift) without fear of reprisal?

So...she had "naturally blond" hair underneath the black wig? Sounds fishy to me. I'm wondering if the blond hair wasn't a wig as well. And if so, why didn't she use the same glue on the black wig as she did the blond? At least that adhesive held, even with the added smack for good measure. Must have been Gorilla Glue...

The most awesome thing about the whole incident (well, second most awesome thing if you count her not knowing what the hell her ex-boyfriend's last name was...even though she lived with him for 8 months) was that he hung up on the police after they asked his name.

Are we still in the primitive age of not having the basic functions of caller ID? Was his name not programmed into her phone when he called? Actually, from all the evidence provided it might have been misspelled so scratch that one... Can we not call the carrier and get a name? There's enough technology out there to find out who the hell that is if we cared, but obviously, we don't.

I guess it's much more satisfying to speculate and ponder the stupid...at least I think so...

What Took So Long?...

"Victim's kin file suit in Wal-Mart stampede death"

I was beginning to think that the bloodsucking vampire lawyers were all safely sleeping in their dirt filled coffins in the basements of their tree lined McMansion subdivisions before I read this one.

Thank God opportunity strikes! And at Wal-Mart no less.

Well, I'm actually not surprised that they were going to sue but I am surprised it took so long for them to file the lawsuit. 3 business days! I mean Christmas is fast approaching and you'd think they'd want that Wal-Mart money AT LEAST before the end of this week to get that Wii game system or new flat screen LCD TV. Because you know, they'll be all sold out before the 25th...

I don't get why they are suing the police department though. It's not like it's their job to "police" the doorways of every retail store giving away free toasters or kitty litter with every $100.00 in purchases. You'd think the managers of said stores would somehow herd the crowd in some form BEFORE the doors are opened, but, alas this happens every year.

Next year I'm taking bets on which store will have the first casualty. I'm placing mine on Fashion Bug, the store for "Rubenesque" or zoftig women...

There's One Born Every Minute...

"Woman out $400K to 'Nigerian scam' con artists"

Oh Christ on a stick. The most tragic thing about this story is that her intelligence quotient is low enough for her to agree to her picture being published. Looks like she was victimized yet again for our viewing pleasure.

I have absolutely NO sympathy for this idiot. This is just as bad as those emails that say I have won the Brazilian lottery or that I can get a free laptop by just "clicking here"!

I love the disclaimer at the beginning of the article that states she is no relation to Britney Spears, although they have the same last name. Nice touch...

This Doesn't Surprise Me...

"Rape suspect held on bail: Woman accused of assaulting 16-year-old girl in her care"

If you've ever been to Worcester, MA this article isn't that surprising. The place is a shithole...

I always wonder how people can stand by as someone is brutally beaten or worse, as in this case, raped with a thorny rose stem!

It reminds me of this movie I saw a few months ago called "An American Crime". The mother held this girl captive while everyone was free to beat the shit out of her at their leisure. They had kids from the neighborhood over to burn the chick with cigarette butts for fun. Disturbing.

Although tragic, I felt that the stupid ass should have stood up for herself when the beating started. Oh well, coulda, shoulda, woulda...

I Hope It Was Trans-Fat Free Oil...

"Cosmetic surgery addict injected cooking oil into her own face"

This chick is probably one of the most pathetic creatures on the face of the earth.

So...is there anyone out there that would agree her rational for using her head as a pin cushion was: a) logical b) practical c) a sign that Obamamania has gotten out of control?

Looking at her pictures, it's hard to fault her for wanting to puff out her fucking face because it looks like a deflated balloon now that they let all the air out. I would think that by the time my face started rebelling against the surgeon's knife I would have thought twice about going back and said, "That's a wrap".

I believe this is a real disorder where people have addictions to plastic surgery. Another famous case that comes to mind besides the alien known as Michael Jackson is Jocelyne Wildenstein, or "Bride of Wildenstein" or "Wildebeast" as she is more commonly known as. Everytime I see her picture, I think of Rocky Dennis from the movie "Mask" starring the also afflicted Cher. Small world...

Ugh...

I still cannot believe he won...

Happy Halloween! Beware The Full Moon (And Sticky Bedsheets...)

Some crap to read on a scary day courtesy of Tensionnot.com . I have included my responses:

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

So what's the issue? She deserved it. When I was waiting tables at a nice Italian restaurant these girls came in with Taco Bell and started eating at one of my tables. Apparently, it was a stunt for a psychology class as after we asked them to leave they wanted to know what my reaction was so they could right it down. Please see above...
---------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

I had a friend who danced the same way. You didn't know if he was dying of a heart attack or "feeling the music". It made us feel sick just to watch...
---------------------------------
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Ah, irony at it's finest...
---------------------------------
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

You'd think he would have realized it was a bomb from all the wires sticking out and the ticking noise inside...
---------------------------------
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

This sounds way to coincidental and stupid to be true, so it probably is. Honestly, a house priced at $127K in Hawaii is probably a shit hole so I'm sure they didn't get anything good when it was robbed...
---------------------------------
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

ROFL! I remember this one. Apparently, the kids who saw it had to get $80,000 worth of rehabilitating as well...
---------------------------------
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

This reminds me of the old saying "Spitters are quitters!".


HAPPY HALLOWEEN

The Origins Of Mr. Jack Schitt...

I came across this recently and had to share his story. I believe it's been around awhile but it is still a good piece of history that everyone should be aware of:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

101 Uses For A Vacuum...

"Swan Creek Township, Michigan, man jailed for activity at car wash"

There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:

1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?

2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?

3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?

Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?

On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...

Does This Herpes Sore Make Me Look Fat?...

"Prostitution has not suffered drop-off despite economic meltdown"

Hmmm...Who would have known that donut punching with a professional was not hit by the economic crunch? Seems to me that I am slaving away in the wrong field according to this article.

The picture says it all. If you look at the knees of the depicted women, you will notice scuff marks and scars, a sure sign that they are, as stated, "still busy" during these hard...hard...hard economic times.

I like the one girl's bit of wiz-dumb imparted upon the reader:

"If men are horny, they're going to come in here." - Um...no shit. I would never have thought that.

"Sadie admits her business has suffered a bit in the fiscal crisis. Some clients are cutting back on their spending, and some aren't returning, she said." - Another reason for this could be that you aren't that good in bed...even with the discounted rate. Some pervs do have standards you know.

"With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college." - I think she meant, "How is he going to finish college?" Here's a thought: Have him get a fucking job and get the mattress detached from your back.

My mom loves me but I can guarantee that she wouldn't have gone out and gave head for my chemistry 101 textbook and the required lab goggles. Sounds to me like she is using her son as an excuse or she is truly so stupid that she hasn't ever heard of federal student loans.

Sounds Like A Move In A Square Dance..."Swing Your Chicken 'Round And 'Round"

"Rabbi Alleges Threat Over Chicken Ritual"

I am still laughing my ass off as I type this post. The following article (from the http://www.washintgtonpost.com/ website) is seriously one of the best tidbits that I have read in a very long time. Not because of the writing, but of the imagery it produces:

"YOM KIPPUR

Rabbi Alleges Threat Over Chicken Ritual

New York City police are investigating a rabbi's complaint that threatening e-mails were sent in connection with the slaughter of chickens to atone for sins before Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.

Rabbi Shea Hecht of the National Committee for Furtherance of Jewish Education says the e-mails were sent by supporters of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals campaign opposing the ritual, known as kapparot. He says some people added threatening and anti-Semitic comments to an online PETA form letter.

The Brooklyn-based Jewish organization slaughters about 4,000 chickens.

A PETA spokesman says the ritual is abusive and unnecessary."

If you look at the definition of "kapparot" you will see that it's basically someone swinging a chicken around in the air and chanting. The poor thing is probably freaking out shitting all over the place. LOL! This combined with the imagery of some PETA zealot sitting at a computer typing death threats cracks me the fuck up. The ritual sounds kinda ridiculous to me but what is even more ridiculous is the PETA person getting all crazazy in the hazazy. I wonder if they eat the chicken after getting it all dizzied up? Someone will have to let me know about that one.

Great Balls Of Fire!...

"Florida Woman Arrested for Burning Husband's Groin, Police Say"

HA ha ha! The mugshot that accompanies this story is classic. She looks like she just won the lottery or a free Egg McMuffin in that McDonald's Monopoly Game that's going on right now!

If you ask me, that's pretty cold to be burning up your husbands junk and to do it while he was sleeping is even more icy. Then again, maybe she was just done with the abuse the one eyed willie gave her over the years OR MAYBE she was mad because it hadn't been violating her lately. Let this be a lesson to all you men out there; you better give it up to your wife before she boils your lobster!

My Have Times Changed...

"California Girl, 8, Found Hanged From Bunk Bed "

The only thing I find disturbing about this article is the fact that the girl had a cell phone and a computer and a door that she was able to lock.

HELLO! Where is the parental guidance here? I know that she lived with her grandmother but that shouldn't cloud the fact that she was totally WAY TOO young to be in possession of these devices. Who the hell was she text messaging anyway? I assume her internet use was not monitored either. This is really sad.

When I was eight we were playing Star Wars in the back yard with sticks as light sabers and old pillow cases as capes. We were not thinking of suicide...

Silly, Yet Interesting Article...

"Major Search Engines Suggest Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ"

I ran across this article this morning (courtesy of Politics.PopuPlace.com) and found it somewhat amusing. I also found it scary in some ways. I've always found Nostradamus an interesting fellow.

Shady...

"Ohio Homeless Driven to Polls to Vote Obama"

I suspected something like this (here also) was going on during the primaries, as I found it highly coincidental that Obama won every single caucus. Shady...

Some more shade:

Ex-generals cry foul over pro-Obama video

CHICAGO: Prosecutors seek to delay sentencing for Chicago money man, suggesting felon linked to Barack Obama has secrets to share.

Jerome Corsi, anti-Obama author, detained in Kenya

My First Time...

So...I think that I saw my first prolapsed ass the other night at the gym. I have previously spoken of the Creepy Old Guys at the gym who mysteriously appear in the locker room walking around naked.

They really have no business there as they aren't using the cardio equipment, weight lifting equipment, pool or sauna. They are JUST THERE. Anyway, I digress...Well the other night, one of these blue hairs was walking in this strange sort of awkward shuffle. He wasn't lifting his feet off the floor, just scooting them forward as he "walked", or hobbled if you will. Anyway, he was naked, of course, and as he rounded the corner ever so slowly I happened to look at his ass and saw what looked like his butthole hanging down below his ass cheeks. It was, in the utmost sincerity, one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a long while.

I am still scarred mentally I fear and now am really turned off to the fact that every time I enter that den of horror (the locker room) these crusty looking creatures are going to be there lurking. What's worse is that they sit on the benches in that locker room naked, and if they have these appendages, which almost look like the creatures from Aliens, birthing out of their rectums...Yuck, I can't even finish that sentence but you know what I'm getting at.

I am seriously wondering what can be done about these weirdos in the locker room...It's so gross.

Odd Auctions...

"Odd Online Auctions What would you bid on these items?"

These are actually kind of funny. I can't believe what people would put up for auction on Ebay! Some of the items that I considered are:

"Ball of Paper" - current bid $24.50. I love the tag in the headline "Could it contain the secret of life?". I say possibly... if it was used as a cumrag and now just wadded up. Then again I don't think that you can ship biohazardous material through the mail. Now that I think of this, they need to investigate this so called "Ball of Paper". It could be some type of terroristic Pandora's Box...

"Empty Popcorn Bag" - current bid $1.00. I would be weary of this one. You never know where their hands have been. How am I supposed to lick the inside of the bag without that vital piece of information?

"7 Orginal Antique German Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes" - current bid $38.98. Notice the spelling is wrong in the headline. Now do they mean "original" or is "Orginal" a place in Germany? If so, I would never buy from Orginal, only Berlin glass eyes are acceptable. Maybe Buchanau, only because I know a girl named Heike Gruber from there...

"A Cap From A Pen" - current bid $24.50. What's interesting about this one is that there are actually 2 bids on it. I can totally see this bidding war going nuclear about 5 minutes before the end of the auction.

This gets my wheels turning. I think I have a dust bunny made from cat hair under my bed and of course there's always pug bombs courtesy of Pugsley and Wednesday that I could auction...

Update: 'Scuse Me Mz While I Knock You Da Fuk Out!...

YES! I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT! The raw footage of the beatdown has just hit the net. And it was all just as I had predicted here:

Big Mac attack: Girl gets owned!

Notice how her weave flies all over the place after the fists flew. Classic...

I'll Have The Scrambled Eggs And A Side of Moonshine...

"Tenn. bus driver accused of DUI with kids aboard"

Oh Christ on a cross! When are these hillbillies going to learn that you drop the kids off before you hit the bottle and not vice versa?

I like how she calmly just strolls out into the center of the street and takes a nap. She couldn't have been that fucked up as she managed to at least pick up all her stops. I can totally see her doing the drunk navigational trick of driving with one eye closed to avoid the old double vision fairy.

Now what I really want to know is if she had curlers still in her hair and if she actually took her dentures out before she passed out; you know anyone in Tennessee over the age of 15 doesn't have all their teeth, well their own teeth anyway...

'Scuse Me Mz While I Knock You Da Fuk Out!...

"Man Beats Teen Girl Over Who Was First at McDonald's"

See what happens when you shoot off your mouth at Mikey D's!

How many times have you been in line, anywhere (BK, Mickey D's, Disneyland, etc...), and you just wanted to beat the living shinola out of someone in line as well? Kudos to this guy!

I'm guessing that the girl was one of those Bratz doll type little ho's with a sense of entitlement bigger than Clay Aiken at a bathhouse and this guy, most likely a thug because, honestly, who else would be that bold and ig'nant to walk up to the front of the line and start placing their Big Mac order? Anyway, I digress...He probably came up and she started with the chicken head bobbing "No he di'ent" routine and he clocked her. Too bad the Ronald McDonald cam video wasn't released. I think it would make for some great popcorn fare...

Sheniqua, Go And Get Me A Popsicle...

"Mom tells cops icy bodies in freezer are her kids"

Damn, remind me not to ask this psycho to babysit my pugs in the near future!

I must admit, this is a great way to deter childhood rebellions. Just tell them the story of the freezer fairy and I'm sure they will end up eating their veggies and cleaning their rooms...

She kind of looks like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Krusty the clown from the Simpsons with that weave on her head.

Just a question: How does one choose the proper shoe for a beating? Do I go with the steel-toed or the hard-heeled? Or can I use both? And when is it appropriate to involve the cord around the neck or is that for the more advanced course?

I can only imagine how the shit got on her shirt. I like the cut of her jibe though, jumping out of the window all Texas Chainsaw Massacre style and running for the hills. Totally disturbing...

Lies! Lies! All Lies!...

"Janet Jackson Hospitalized"

She pulls this stunt every few years. She goes in for plastic surgery and comes out having "lost weight" from the illness. LOL! Brilliant. What's better is that people fall for it every single time...

Hopefully she'll lose that mohawk she performs in concert with as well when she is "released"...

WAH!

"Devout Muslim sues Tesco for making him carry alcohol"

This douchebag needs to get a clue. At this point it doesn't surprise me what these so called "devout" religious donuts will sue for or protest at. And I'm not just talking about Muslims. It's basically all of them: Christians, Catholics, Scientologists, whatever. Unbelievable...

How in the world can you not know what in the hell your grocery employer sells? If you are stocking and moving freight, wouldn't you have the fucking sense to look around and see where you are putting that shit?

"Mr Ahmed, of Derby, who is suing the firm for racial discrimination, victimisation and harassment, should learn the outcome of the case later this week. "

So typical. I suppose the next thing he will sue for is the fact that they made him walk down the same aisle where the bacon was kept. And let's not stop there. How about having to use the same restroom that someone who drank alcohol and maybe ate a ham sandwich used previously, therefore, contaminating him and forcing him to endure undo persecution from pork and hops cooties scarring him for life leaving him unable to perform daily functions in a religiously healthy productive way.

I smell a rat and he is probably looking for a nice payout. He sounds like a lazy ass.

Hang These Bastards...

So, reading today's news articles I have got one thing to say: Any fucking creepy slimeball that fucks kids needs to die. End of story. These bastards are fucking gross, like:

This pig. He thinks consent is puberty and the Bible mandates him to diddle little girls.

This police officer thinks it's okay to barter sex with little girls through their mothers on the internet.

This loser kept a 13 year old girl as a sex slave in his MOTOR HOME and raped her every single day.

This perv used to give free molestations with the tennis lessons he provided.

And the sad thing is the list goes on...

Douchebag!...

"Nebraska Dad Who Abandoned 9 Children Was Out of Work, 'Overwhelmed"

This story is completely mind boggling to me...

I'm sorry, but if you were man enough to pork your old lady every God damned day and spit out tons of kids then you should be man enough to take care of them as well. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I don't particularly like to think that it's generally a good idea to enable other people's bad judgements. The safe haven law in that area needs to totally be reexamined and either amended or completely overhauled.

It's ridiculous that people are "giving away" their teen aged children because they are "overwhelmed". Too bad! Deal with it like every other struggling parent does who can't dump their kids off at the local fire station or hospital. Unbelievable!

Where's The Can Of Oust When You Need It?...

"Man Passes Gas, Charged with Battery on Officer"

These cops have the worst job I tell you. They deserve every penny they make. Well, at least the good ones do. The corrupt cops can go and fuck themselves.

One line in this news story makes the whole thing a classic:

"The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong."

Well, I would think so. The guy was totally drunk. I ask all of you this, "Have you ever smelt a beer keg fart?"

Case closed.

No Shit Sherlock...

"CLAY: I'M GAY AIKEN"

Duh...

What Are You Doing With That Thing?...

"Horrific High School Football Hazing Case Shakes New Mexico Town"

Oh for crying out loud, this is not that bad of an incident.

The headline makes it seem like the broomsticks were actually stuck up inside of their stinkholes instead of what was probably just poking at the rim with the broom handle. "Horrific" my ass! Sounds like a regular Saturday night at the club.

Now if the coach pulled out his boner and started smacking it on someone's head, THAT would be horrific...(I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about that one actually, but I digress...)...They had their fucking shorts on for Chrisakes! Sounds like another overblown bullshit case of hazing.

Las Vegas, NM is a shit hole anyway. They need some sort of entertainment out there.

Now if it were possible to stick something up your ass while still having your clothes on, gay bars in America would truly be a site to behold. In fact I might venture out to the dance floor more often...

Psyched Out...Again...

"Wheelchair on plane bursts into flames
Battery fire causes near disaster on British holiday jet carrying 229 passengers"

I can't tell you how excited I was to read this one. It had all the makin's for a hearty chuckle or two and then...it turns out there was actually no one sitting in the God damned chair! I HATE these teaser headlines sometimes!!!!!

Can You Say Pig?...

"Plan being made to lift 'Bruce' the pig siege: Bruce the pig held woman captive "

Oh the trials and tribulations of having to raise an animal.

I find it fascinating that the people actually thought it was rude of the pig to be a total pig when it came to food. What the hell did you think it was going to do? Ask politely for more food and sit at the dinner table with a fork and knife? It's a PIG for crying out loud! Their jobs are to be PIGS. Nothing more and nothing less. Bruce was probably pissed that the bitch was a vegetarian and was in need of some chicken or something meaty, poor thing.

It's hilarious that he so dramatically "held her captive", HA HA HA! I was imagining some pig in camouflage with a bandanna and a machine gun holding up a little old lady for some grub. Some stealth pig hiding behind the outhouse door waiting for granny to drop the kids at the pool, or cesspool in this case. Too funny.

Actually, this pig reminds me of my pug Pugsley. He can get quite demanding when it comes to food and treats. The poor thing is 38 pounds and the average pug weighs in betwixt 20 and 25lbs. I got my ass reamed by the vet last week about it, but he seems like he is in good spirits and is sprightly and determined so I will let it be for now. When the little bastard starts to bite me and knock on my door at 4am, it's totally Jenny Craig time for his ass...

Girlfriend Needs To Get A Grip...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Gas Prices Hitting Everyone Hard...

"Coke Dealer's Gas Surcharge; Cops: Indiana man passed along rising fuel costs to drug customers"

Who knew everyone was feeling the crunch of the gas prices. I admire this kid's moxie though.

Actually, the surcharge seems a little "high" to me. $25.00 to deliver some snow? Where the hell was he driving to? Alaska? The good thing is that the price he was selling a quarter for was seriously a good bargain, from what I've been told of course... Must have been cut with rat poison or baby formula.

I wasn't aware that the Starbucks parking lot was such a hotbed of illegal activity. I mean I've seen creepy guys inside of the place looking at questionable pictures on their laptops but I didn't know that you could procure some pick me up right outside the door as well. Seems the suspect changed locations from Starbucks to Bass Pro some time thereafter. Interesting choice. I assume it's a bait shop or some outdoorsy type of store. Maybe he needed some of that catfish stink bait for the crack whores on the next stop...

She Had It Coming...Probably...

"Grandmother rescues woman who was stabbed 20 times by stranger in supermarket attack"

I can totally relate to this story. Sometimes as I am shopping in the grocery store (well lets face it, shopping anywhere or just being out in public for that matter), I wouldn't mind beating the shit out of some stupid idiot with a pork loin or can of peas.

Unless this guy is a total psycho, which is not totally out of the question (it is England you know), she probably did something to piss him off such as taking the last package of Scott toilet tissue or monopolizing the frozen breakfast food section in the cooler...standing there wondering what to buy with the door open...fogging up the damn windows for the next person who in turn won't be able to make out what exactly is in the cooler because they can't see through the glass door...

On a similar note, I was cut off 3 fucking times in the cafeteria this morning while getting my usual grub for the start of another dull work day:

As I was reaching for a cup for my coffee, this inconsiderate bitch cuts right in front of me and takes the cup that I was reaching for. Literally bumping me out of the way.

As I was walking towards the jam for my bagel another inconsiderate bitch side-steps in front of me as she continues to talk to her friend blocking the condiment area and as I said "Excuse me", she looks at me and reaches for the jam that I am trying to get to. Then the bitch sticks that same jam spreader in the butter bin and spreads it all over the fucking place and then puts it back into the jam. Now, There is globs of butter floating in the grape jelly, yuck.

Then as I am about to check out another inconsiderate bitch runs in front of me to check out first and proceeds to hold up the line because she can't remember what the hell she ordered. So they have to go through her plate and calculate everything. Honestly, I think she was trying to get away with free shit but I am glad the cashier wasn't buying her sudden amnesia. Anyway, she also takes her time "finding" her money to pay for her breakfast causing me to waste more time.

So, in reading this article, I can seriously relate to wanting to bludgeon someone in a public place.

A True Stink Bomb...

"Middle School Girl's Perfume Sends 11 Students, Bus Driver to Hospital "

This is totally retarded, yet quite befitting a mid-schooler.

It must have been J-Lo's "Glow"...either that or Paris Hilton's "Just Me"...

Being that the vapors were so toxic, the government should look into this fragrance as a chemical weapon. Imagine the possibilities.

"If you're out for a night on the town or dirty bombing a Afghan village, GLOW from J-Lo"...

The Shit Hits The Fan...

So...It seems that not only is there a thief running around our building stealing shit from others (yesterday someone's lunch was stolen out of the God damn microwave if you can believe that. Add it to the list: My ring, bottles of orange juice, items off of a person's desk) now there is a renegade toilet non-flusher/vandal.

I go into the men's room to relieve myself and just happen to walk into a stall that someone obviously had been in recently - as there was a huge turd circling the calm waters of the porcelain God. But wait! It gets better...This was no ordinary log, no, this one had (cue mystery sound effects: "dun dun dun!")...hair growing out of it! Yes, that's right, it was a fucking hairy ass brown loaf, right there in the toilet! I was so grossed out I came right back to my desk and grabbed my phone so I could take a picture of this raunchy site. I am debating whether to add this photo to the post as it would certainly ruin my reputation of high brow material but then again...

This left me thinking, how does one get their shit to grow hair, literally? Several theories abound here in the office (you think I would keep this discovery to myself? Please...). Maybe they like to eat their own hair? Maybe it's an underdeveloped twin that was living inside their colon and was expelled. Maybe it's some type of voodoo ritual? Whatever the case, it's large and mean looking. I just think that judging by the size of the damn thing the owner didn't have the heart to flush it. I'm sure they were in labor for quite a spell and then realized that the act of flushing this being, especially since it had hair, would be too much to bear so they unleashed it upon the next unsuspecting sap who walked in. Unfortunately that had to be me...

Beware The Wind And Don't Go Swimming!

"'Bangkok' Wins Box Office Without a Bang"

Ummm, what the hell???

Can anyone please tell me what the hell is happening on top of this man's head lately? It seems that every movie he has made in the past few years has him wearing a horrible wig or has his hair dyed this unnatural shade of black/blonde/blue/red/green (take your pick).

I have said this a thousand times and I will say it again: MEN, if your fucking hair is falling out or thinning - JUST SHAVE YOUR HEAD OR GO BALD. KEEP IT SHORT!

If you wear a toupee/wig/rug, whatever, you are going to be noticed, immediately. I can tell a rug from a mile away - AND I WILL STARE AT IT. I can't help it. It looks fucking ridiculous!

If you get hair plugs, I can also tell. They look even worse! Just accept your fate and at the very least, shave your head if it is that disturbing to you. Stop this madness people!

Tom Is Going To Be Pissed...

"Scientologists charged with fraud in France"

Is this a surprise to anyone with half a brain?

For starters, if your being recruited for a "church" outside of a train station, or any other station for that matter (bus, train, gas, TV, hot dog...) then the zealots that are hounding you are probably crazy and full of shit. If said zealots are trying to sell you something then add shady to that list. God, or any other deity, doesn't want your money - he/she wants your soul. It's that simple.

These Scientologists are a scary species no doubt. It seems that they prey on the weak minded and after they have conquered your mind they go for your wallet. Any industry that makes you pay in order to "move up through the ranks" is either a scam (remember Amway?) or a higher learning institution. The only other place I have been financially raped and sodomized is college and the hell if I'm going to let a space alien do that to me as well!

What exactly is this religion about anyway. As far as I understand, you have to pay a certain amount of money to reach different plateaus of enlightenment within the organization and then you have to aggressively recruit other members in conjunction with the money you are shelling out so they can "donate" as well. The more money these people bring in under you, the higher you go. Sounds like a fucking pyramid scheme to me.

I watched the videos Toad Cruise made to entice other people to join and he seemed to be somewhat, okay who am I kidding, A LOT deluded and really creepy weird. Anyone who is prone to sudden fits of maniacal laughter followed by a dead stare into your eyes is not well. I'm just saying...Anyway I digress...The mere act of viewing these videos turned me off to the program. Besides the test to get in was way too long, so I gave up around question 25...

Creepy Old Guys...

I would like to know why there are always old creepy guys haunting the locker rooms at gyms?

I go to a certain gym which will remain nameless (rhymes with Bally's) and there are always these crusty old men walking around naked in the locker room. They are usually wet and have no towel in plain site. They almost remind me of those soggy rats you see on made for television horror movies running around city sewer systems after some apocalyptic catastrophe.

Sometimes they are "drying" themselves off with the wall unit air dryers made for your hands. I saw a very wrinkly fellow a few days ago pulling his ass cheeks apart and placing said ass in the airflow of the dryer. Not a pretty sight by any means. He turns around and is combing out his white pubic hair with his fingers in the airflow as well. Wouldn't it be more sanitary to use a towel. Sanitary for me? Like I want to go and use that dryer after this old guy put his fingers in his ass crack and through his pubes all the while adjusting the nozzle on the dryer and pushing the big chrome button to turn it on. I don't want my hand touching that thing after all that.

I always feel like I should say something but don't want to cause a scene. The funny thing is you never see these guys working out. They are just there in the locker room...naked...

Really?...

So...I was walking into work yesterday and saw this pregnant chick outside smoking while rubbing her enormous belly. Really?

Obviously she has not read the God damn Surgeon General's warning on the pack which is PLAIN AS DAY. I almost expected her to have one tooth in her head and pull out a flask of her poison of choice right there in the smoker's paradise (the little enclosed area where you are allowed to smoke on site).

What was ridiculous is there were about 5 other people out there smoking as well and they were totally ignoring the fact that there was a preggo idiot huffing on a menthol. Literally the pink elephant in the room...

A Dedication...

I dedicate this to the douchebag that stole my ring at work.

I hope you die a painful and slow death...

...Maybe falling into an industrial size meat grinder and having my ring get caught in the grinding mechanism making it lurch and go all the more slower than it already does.
...Or maybe my ring will get caught in the washing machine while it's still on your finger during the spin cycle and rip your arm off in the ensuing melee of spin action.
...Or maybe you choke on it accidentally as you shove that ham sandwich into your piehole and it falls off as you inhale the food.
...Or maybe you get the shit beat out of you by the person robbing you for that same ring when they see how nice it looks.
...Or maybe you overdose on the crack you bought from selling my ring at the local pawn shop.

Whatever happens, you deserve it.

Stinkbomb Takes It Up A Notch...

So...I have been telling you about the disgusting creature I call "Stinkbomb" who is always in Au Bon Pain in the mornings, right? Well today he really outdid himself. He must have been inspired by the Olympics because he went for the gold today, or the "brown" in his case (that's foreshadowing for all you not in the know...).

Well, I walk in and immediately am hit with the stench of body cheese and unwashed hair. I look to my left and surprise surprise, it's that pig Stinkbomb. The smell today was even more ripe than usual and as I headed for the coffee making station 2 women come in and rather loudly say "God, it stinks in here". I politely informed then that they had just walked past the culprit and they both turned and looked in disgust at the disheveled bastard reading the USA Today by the window. The one lady comments that she thought it was food gone bad; I laugh.

I finish making my coffee (6 sugars and light cream), pick up my poppy seed bagel and head to the counter to check out. As my bagel is toasting I notice that SB has this weird look on his face and gets up really quick, grabs his bag and literally runs to the bathroom. As he speeds past me I get the ungodly whiff of the most putrid odor wafting through the air. It is then that I realize that he must have just shit his pants...right there in the cafe...in front of everyone...on the chair...The place smelled like someone just changed 500 dirty diapers on a table in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. The manager was making a sandwich and must have smelt the aroma because he looks up really fast to see the bathroom door swing shut and grimaces. I grab my now toasted bagel and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Thank God tomorrow is our last day in this building...

Way Too Bizarre...

"Corpse Kept Upright for 3-Day Wake"

This is just way too creepy for my taste.

First off, the guy was really young so why would he already be planning his wake so early in life? He must have been doing something he shouldn't have been and knew that it would eventually catch up with him. I don't know of any 24 year old that is making these kind of requests and bizarre ones at that. And to be found dead under a bridge only brings more questions as to what the activities he was participating in were.

There is just something really disturbing about seeing that body propped up in the corner like that. The closed eyes, the poutty lips, the pancake make-up and the hunch in his back all combined make him look artificial. You would at least think they would dress him in some decent burial attire. He looks like he is on his way to a fucking 50 Cent concert.

Weren't there any health concerns related to a dead body being in that position out in the open like that for three days? You would think that the fluid in the body would migrate to the feet and begin to spill out onto the floor. A very disgusting thought but one that deserves MAJOR consideration. I couldn't imagine having lost my child and then having to clean up the mess that was left on the floor after the wake. Seems to me that there would be serious biological issue to contend with and the safety of the living should have been taken into consideration before the wishes of the dead.

One of the comments left on the article states, "This seems more like a grieving mothers last wish, "Make him look as alive as possible."... by Susique333 " and I would have to agree with them. It seems like the mother couldn't deal with her child dying and this may have been a last ditch effort to immortalize him in some sick way. Her last image of him being there at a gathering standing around with all the other guests. So sick the way the mind works in times of distress...

On To The Next Dramatic Issue...

Now that Michael Phelps has fulfilled his prophecy of taking over my television, newspaper and online content with his bad teeth I suppose the country will go through a little withdrawal until the end of day and move onto the next big bullshit topic...Who is Obama picking to run on his losing ticket with?

I guess you can say that I am bitter that this country is easily swayed with fancy talk and glitter but what's irked me more is that I wanted to like this guy but he seems to already be a bought and paid for and I totally became turned off. Anyway, I digress...So after he picks his "running mate" I suppose that will be the topic of conversation until McCain does the same thing and the conventions are over.

Seems weird that I am young enough to remember times where my biggest concern was what to wear to school and who my favorite band was and old enough now to worry about where this country and my money are headed to. Times like these make me want to go to Dairy Queen and drown myself in a Hawaiian Blizzard with Oreo...

Overexposed...

If I hear one more God damn thing about Micheal fucking Phelps I swear I am going to commit suicide by jumping in front of the first commuter train that comes into the local station!

Can the media give this guy any MORE coverage? Seriously? I mean it's not like there are other athletes there in Beijing or anything. It's not like I haven't heard every little factoid on his life. I want more! Please oh please!!!

I had to laugh at how every aspect of this guy's life is scrutinized, dissected and spun in ways to make it appear that he was on some collision course with destiny and how he is this great embodiment of the athletic ideal in the pool and out. How every American should aspire to be like Phelps. We should all bow to the alter of Michael and sacrifice our first born in his honor. YET, everyone of these diatribes and homages fail to mention his drunk driving arrest after the last Olympics. Typical of the American media...

Curiosity Will Always Get You In Trouble...

So I'm listening to some Podcasts yesterday on my iPod and one of them had mentioned sex reassignment surgery or SRS as it is more commonly known. Unfortunately, that got the wheels turning in my head and I decided that it might be a good idea to see if I could find something online with pictures of the surgery.

I began my search of course by typing in "MTF vagina pictures" on Google and hit the images link and get a few pictures that pop up. Nothing too bad. I continue to nose around and am directed to another website about cosmetic surgery and there I am able to see before and after pictures of not only SRS but of vaginoplasty and of course the ever popular boob jobs. I also see some pictures of a Female to Male surgery result and what they describe as a "penis" looks like something that was caught in a meat grinder, but I digress...

After viewing the pictures, I feel a sense of accomplish as I had set out to find pictures and had, but I still felt that I wanted more. Then I think to myself, "I wonder if they ("they" being the Gods of the internet) actually have a surgery that I could watch online?" Don't ask me why I decided to look this up (I was already asked that last night) as I have no good explanation but I do tend to have a morbid sense of curiosity and feel comfortable blaming my actions on that. After a few brief moments of searching through what seemed like several bogus videos that didn't actually show anything interesting I came across this video (WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC! IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, SLIGHT DISCOMFORT AND SQUIRMING WILL ENSUE).

One word: BRUTAL.

After it was all over and I had the feeling that my balls were in my throat. They literally had run into my body and were hiding from the horror that was unfolding on the screen. Something about a pair of scissors and a knife near my jubblies (a word meaning genitals, Thanks Wanda Wisdom!) makes me feel ill at ease. I must admit the end result was impressive but the toll for the road to that ending was way too high a price in my book. Not that I had ever thought of doing that, but any type of surgery "down there" would be traumatic I suppose.

In the end, I could have lived without the image of having seen some guy's hoo-hoo turned into a haa-haa, but it was educational I think (at least I'm trying to tell myself that)...

Opening Ceremony...

Say what you want about the Chinese and their politics but I am certain of one thing, they can put on a fucking awesome show!

That opening ceremony of the Olympics on Friday was the best one I had ever seen. What's even more amazing is the fact that most of the effects were done by hundreds of people working in unison and not machines, like the boxes that created the wave effects or the water droplets that rolled out from a central point. Totally incredible.

The costumes were intricate and attention to detail was not spared. The colors vivid and stunning. Even the hand movements of the dancers were synchronized beautifully. Every last detail thought out and executed perfectly.

It would have been so exciting and awesome to be a part of that audience that night.

Do You Smell That?...

"Adult diapers litter Houston freeway, cause traffic troubles"

This story had so much potential...

From the headline you would think that someone was littering the highway with used Depends Undergarments or Poise Pads. I had visions of some disgruntled "care giver" from some nursing home or hospice that was really pissed off, maybe even one of those hardcore bitches that beat up the old people when they pee the bed, throwing these things out the window everyday on her way home from work; the debris just piling up day after day.

Then people started to notice a swarm of flies brewing just over the shoulder of the road. Was it a dead body possibly?

Maybe someone had been murdered and the body left there on the side of the road to be discovered.

Maybe there was some type of toxic leak from the city sewer system that was pooling there in the ditch causing any lifeforms that had the misfortune to come into contact with it to mutate and become rabid creatures in search of human flesh.

Maybe someone in one of those motorized wheelchairs hit a rock and tipped over onto the shoulder and rolled down the embankment, lying there unconscious. They possibly awoke with amnesia and didn't know where they were and just sat there, wasting away as the hours, days and months past by.

Maybe it was some portal into another dimension that was transporting intelligent life into our world to take us over and enslave the masses. What could be causing all those flies to gather like that?

But, no. It turns out that some idiot driver tipped his truck over making a turn. He was probably going too fast. But the real tragedy of this story is that the diapers weren't even used...

Ahhh, The Grocery Store...

"20 Most Annoying Things at the Grocery Store"

Here's another interesting article from WalletPop. 20 things that piss you the fuck off at the grocery store.

While reading this, I was brought back to the days of my old neighborhood here in Hartford, CT. Actually, since I just moved it would have been within the last month but who's counting...Anyway, all of the irritating habits and situations listed here could be found ALL THE TIME in ANY AISLE! Being that the nearest grocery store was basically near one of the worst parts of town (think about that old man who was run over and left in the street while people walked by), you get to experience some of the worst attitudes and manners outside of NYC and Jersey.

I would have to agree with #5 "express lane abuse". But what kills me even more is when this occurs and the cashier doesn't say shit to the offender. A simple "I'm sorry, this is the express lane", would suffice. But, alas, they usually do nothing. I was in line once in said grocery store and the person brought 2 shopping carts into the express lane. Yes, 2! I was totally ripped as it was and when the cashier just rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and started to scan their items - I lost it. I simply asked the person if they were aware of the 10 items or less sign right in front of them and the response was, "Yo no hablo inglés." After hearing that I figured it was probably not a battle that I was going to win so I ate crow and waited my turn.

One thing that I did not see on the list and seems to be running rampant is "People who don't know how to use the electronic/payment pad". I don't know what world these people have been living in for the past 10 years, but everywhere you go these days payment pads abound. Do you buy liquor? Payment pad. Do you rent movies? Payment pad. Do you buy clothes at Wal-Mart? Payment pad. You have to have used one or two somewhere sometime prior to coming into the grocery store today. Some people even act like they don't even know how to swipe the damn card through the machine. Even though there is a picture and arrow showing you which side to swipe and what direction, it obviously is too much for some people to handle. Then of course the simple act of remembering their PIN number can be a test of wills and patience. God forbid if they need some cash back...

The crying kids are annoying yes, but what's worse is the mother of said kid going all ghetto on the child. Here at previously mentioned grocery store, not only will the parents scream back at their kids but they will also string a nice clustering of obscenities into the tirade. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "shut da fuck up" or "I gon kick yo fucking azz" drifting on the air over the shelves from the next aisle. The parenting seems to be measured in how loud they can yell and scream at the kid. The louder and more offensive, the better. Whatever happened to dignity people?

Another item that wasn't covered are the people who are on the cell phone the whole time they are in the store. From the time they set foot in that door until the time they leave, whether it be shopping for food, roaming the aisles or checking out (which really sucks), they are on that phone come hell or high water. Excuse me? You want me to pay for this shit I brought up here right now? How dare you interrupt my phone conversation. I was telling my baby daddy about that bitch in aisle 3!

Here's a side note observation: I'm not going to say ALL of the people because that would not be accurate but MOST of the people are paying with an EBT card (food stamps) yet they have the most expensive phone, their nails are done exquisitely, they have the good wigs (real human hair probably) or weaves and the name brand clothes. I don't have money for food, but I have money for my nails and hair! Nice to see our taxes are going to good use...

I like the combo offenses as well: the screaming profane mother on the phone who forgot their PIN number. Yep, I'm going to miss that store. Good times, good times...

Driving Woes...

"Latest excuse for driving 80 mph in wrong lane? Texting"

Texting and driving? Can you say stupid idea?

Interesting combination of idiot actions here. It's bad enough to not pay any attention to the road because you are text messaging your girlfriend sweet nothings in her phone (allegedly, maybe he was breaking up with her? Maybe she was a he and he was his boyfriend? Who the hell knows...) then you add on the fact that you are drunk makes it even more ridiculous. Then you add driving down the wrong lane of traffic at 80 miles an hour to the recipe and you have the makin's for a big ol' mess on the road. Most likely your splattered head on the pavement.

I really do think that people are way too distracted on the roads these days. If it is not cell phones, it's your iPod. If it's not your iPod it's your DVD player. If it's not your DVD player it's your navigation device. If it's not that it's you picking your nose and so on...Whatever happened to the fucking radio and getting directions before you left the damn house? Is it too much to ask that you take the 2 minutes you need to look up the directions or make that VERY IMPORTANT phone call or watch that Miley Cyrus movie before you leave the fucking house?

And why do we need a DVD player above the dashboard of a vehicle. Isn't that just inviting the prospect of a severe flaming inferno of a head-on crash to happen? I suppose next we'll have to wear weird glasses or some sort of headgear to watch 3-D movies while we drive. One's that allow us to split our vision in half- one eye on the road and one eye on the yo-yo that goes up and down in the movie (a regular 3-D go to effect). Perhaps then, someone will invent a device that splits our attention as well?

The other day we were driving to go out to eat and I saw this women with a fucking Whopper in one hand, a cigarette in the other and her head cranked to the side holding the cell phone to her ear oh and yes - SHE WAS DRIVING AT THE SAME TIME! The only thought that came to mind was that this is why people get killed on the roads. This is why our insurance rates are astronomical. If she had to make a sudden stop what was she going to do? Throw down the burger, stomp out her cigarette and put the person on hold first? Amazing...

I must admit there is one thing that garners my attention every time I see it and that is someone so wrapped up in fishing that big ass booger out of their nose they lose all sense of reality and forget that they are on the road. I guess the only reason why I am watching is to see if they eat it. And sometimes I'm not disappointed...

Literary Classics #1...

In an effort to bring some culture, refinement and taste into my life, I have decided to read a literary classic every few months...or at least try to anyway. The first book I have chosen is the 1978 classic Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford about her life as a child of Academy Award winning actress and mother Joan Crawford.

Um, what a bitch! I'm only through the first 7 chapters and already she's throwing the beat down on her kids left and right. Some of the juicy tittybits are:

Joan liked to use what's called a "sleep safe" when tucking her kids into bed at night, which basically is a straitjacket with loops to strap the damn kid to the bed, face down no less, during bedtime. They are not allowed to move from the bed for any reason throughout the night. If you had to piss, shit or vomit - too bad. Hold it.

Joan would conduct "night raids" on her children's bedrooms. You were subject to an "inspection" at any hour of the night, usually between the hours of 12am and 2am, of your bedroom and anything else that you may or may not have responsibility for. This usually involved her destroying your shit and making you clean it up. During the raids you were also subject to getting beat upside the head with a can of Bon Ami (like Comet) scouring powder repeatedly. Oh, and by the way, you had to clean that up as well.

Any man that Joan porked, you had to call "Uncle". And you had better make them a drink and entertain them if she wasn't ready to come downstairs, which was all the time. Christina probably could have had her bartending license at age 9. Actually, so could I but I digress...

The staff was scared to death of Joan and would rat each other out in order to stay out of trouble. If there were no issues for a few days, she would punish everyone for not tattling on each other as there was no possible way that someone was not doing something behind her back at all times.

She'd make some of her devoted fans clean her house, LOL! I actually liked this one. I call that ingenuity and she called it cutting costs.

Sounds like a real page turner to me. I hope the rest of the book is as good as the beginning.

Not Tonight Honey, My Head Hurts...

"Man Beheads Girlfriend in Greece, Fled in Patrol Car"

Good grief, how many of these beheadings are going to pop up now? First this one and now another?

Who knew that it was such a popular method in which to murder and violate your victim's body. I would have thought a simple shooting or poisoning with deadly nightshade would suffice. Apparently, that is much too gauche for these individuals. At least each one put their own spin on the deadly affair. The Canadian bus rider thought it would be fun to eat his victim right there in the aisle while the Greek guy beheaded the dog as well and then threw his girlfriends' head in a patrol car and went for a nice Sunday stroll through the city running over motorcyclists to boot.

On a sick note, I found the last line of this FOX News story: "As the police fired at Arvanitis to stop him, a stray bullet hit a woman bystander, injuring her slightly, police said. ", completely hilarious. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This would totally be my luck. Getting struck by a stray bullet that was meant for a psychotic head chopping NASCAR reject.

Thinking about this mode of, shall we say, elimination, I would think it's probably not the best way to handle things. Not to get gross or anything because I am a VERY PROPER type (cough), I think it would be entirely too messy for my taste. In my case, I'd probably want to kill MYSELF halfway through the deed from being sick to my stomach. Disgusting...

Hopefully, this is the last of the head severing we'll hear about, for awhile at least...

As Long As We Are On The Redneck Theme...

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_)

Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: ____________ Father's Name:___________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Momma, Daddy Dun Blow'd Up...

"Conway Man Dies Tampering With Electric Meter"

I guess that was a bad idea...

This story just screams redneck from head to toe:

Exhibit A: The name of the "victim" Lonnie Montgomery. The only way this would have been any better is if his name had "Jr." attached.

Exhibit B: The scene of the crime, Skunk Hollow Road. This name is pure gold! Reminds me of that Sissy Spacek movie "The Coal Miner's Daughter". They lived down in the "holler".

Exhibit C: The use of jumper cables to power your trailer. Well I can't be quite sure that it was a trailer but I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I digress...Who else would have the ingenuity and sheer genius intellect to think that a pair of jumper cables would be sufficient in directing massive electrical current into your home from a meter box? Sure, there are a lot of non-hillbillies out there who would do the same thing BUT would they still be clutching the damn thing till the very end I ask you? No, I didn't think so...

Here are a few redneck jokes that I came across recently:

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Excuse Me Mame, Er...Sir...

"The gender trap: We're familiar with drug testing for athletes, but officials at the Beijing Olympics will be taking things one stage further and examining competitors whose sex is in doubt. And it is far from being a new problem, as Emine Saner discovers"

Great article by Emine Saner, from the Guardian in the UK.

I actually never knew this was so much of an issue that they had to actually "test" women thought to be men competitors. Although, looking back to my younger years as an avid Olympics watcher, I do recall some of the East German team members to be very "butch", shall we say? Who knew that they were being forced to ingest physically altering drugs that also made them somewhat mental, and for some, suicidal.

Reading the section on Adolf Hitler, it doesn't surprise me that he would have resorted to such trickery as substituting a male in a female competition in order to give the appearance of Aryan domination and supremacy. Compared to most of the horror he created and stirred up, the shenanigans perpetrated at the Olympics can be considered quite tame.

As far as the Polish sprinter goes, wouldn't it have been VERY obvious that her bits and pieces were flopping about as she ran like the wind? Even back then, I think they wore shorts that were, well...short. I assume some serious taping and shellacking had to be done before every race. Wouldn't someone have noticed during all those years?

Anyway, back to China. It seems that the more I hear about the Olympics this year, the more I get disturbed about the way they are being conducted. Most likely, the Olympics will probably NEVER be held in a communist country again. There seems to be way to much drama and bullshit associated with the act of fair play and camaraderie between nations. Great lengths seem to be taken to make the air of goodwill the games represent anything but...

Priorities Askew...

"Designer vaginas blacklisted"

Does this thong make my pussy look fat?

Ah, the Australians. Love 'em!

It always amazes me that people will do anything for vanity's sake. Honestly, all vags look the same to me. I would be more worried about the odor it emits than the fact that one beef curtain is lopsided or hangs lower than the other, but to each their own I suppose.

This is really no different than men trying to have their penises enlarged. While the fantasy is to have one that is so large it makes your partner squeal with delight, it not always is the best or most practical thing to possess. I speak from experience. It's my cross that I bear...LOL...A girl can dream, right?...

So, the funniest thing about this is the idiot who brought in a picture of a Brazilian model's hoo-hoo. Maybe I should bring in a picture of Oprah's checking account to my bank and say "Make mine look like that!" also. Funny how people have these unrealistic expectations when it comes to looks and sex. It's been said so many times before that we can make a 90 year old man bone up for up to 4 hours or make tits look like floatation devices but we can't cure the common cold. Seems like our priorities are lost somewhere between the make-up bag and the plastic surgeon's knife...

Now that I've gotten off my soapbox, I need to come up with a plan for that chemical peel and lipo I've always wanted...

You Have What?...

So I was looking for things to post about yesterday and came across a phobia site that was somewhat entertaining.

Looking through the list of phobias, I saw some that were totally ridiculous. Such as:

Cacophobia: Fear of ugliness. Well, if you had this phobia you totally wouldn't last here in my building because there are some ugly mothers wandering these halls...

Clinophobia: Fear of going to bed. Sounds like something made up for the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. This must be a hoax as it sounds completely ridiculous...

Liticaphobia: Fear of lawsuits. The actual paperwork or the idea of a lawsuit? Or the fact that money will be flying out of your account into a lawyers?...

Logophobia: Fear of words. 5 3785 5632 905 7538 257 75 32859?...

Plutophobia: Fear of wealth. Obviously something a Jewish person has never been afflicted with (I kid, I kid)...

Rhytiphobia: Fear of getting wrinkles. It's called vanity, hello. This affliction leads to the deadly Botoxaphobia, the fear of your dermatologist going on vacation around your next scheduled injection...

Sounds like people are trying to come up with diseases to account for being just plain crazy...

Meet "Princess Chunk"...

"WHOLE LOTTA LOVE: Meet A 44-Pound Cat: 'Princess Chunk' Awaiting Owner At Camden Shelter"

Now that's a fat cat!!!

I love the name Princess Chunk. Sounds like a few queens that I know. Although, if they were misplaced, no one would be looking for them, LOL!

I'm pretty sure that if the owner doesn't come for the cat someone will adopt her...and put her on a diet I hope...

Update: I just ran across this post from the NY Post about the cat as well. There are better pictures of the cat here.

Update...Damn, That's An Ugly Bird (Shots Fired)...

"Body ID'd as priest who flew on party balloons"

They found him...

Wow, I wrote about this one back in April! Poor thing. I wonder what happened?

I'm Burnin' Up, Burnin' Up For Your Love...

"Pennsylvania Baby Sitter Admits to Burning Boys With Cigarette, Iron"

Damn, this is one hardcore bitch! Just the kind of sitter some of these kids nowadays need! LOL!

I'm wondering what in the world these kids did to deserve being burnt with a lighter, cigarettes and a freakin' iron! 20 times no less! Whatever it was, you know they aren't going to pull those shenanigans anymore...

Maybe they should let this bitch watch over the military guys who killed off their girlfriends/wives. I'm sure they wouldn't get far trying to do this one in.

I'd love to see a reality show like Big Brother with this chick in the house...And by the way, didn't the parents have a clue as to what kind of person this woman might have been?

Here we Go Again, AGAIN!...

"Arrest Made in Death of Pregnant North Carolina Soldier"

Are we going to have one of these every week now?

As I wrote previously, WHO THE HELL are they letting into the military? It's becoming a fucking joke. It used to be prestigious and held some air of dignity and respect when someone was active in the military, now it seems that the current crop of recruits are destroying that reputation with stupid ass antics.

I was saying that the punishment should be more harsh than it currently is but screw that. Why don't they just gas these guys right off the bat. Screw the trial, to hell with the lawyers, just take them directly to the gas chamber.

It seems like if your preggers in the military, you better watch your ass...

I wonder what the powers that be are doing to try and control and most importantly STOP this behaviour. In all actuality, what can be done?

If You Feel Something Kicking, Just Aim It To The Left...

"Pregnant Prostitutes To Face Charges "

This is totally nasty.

I used to have a friend who was preggers and unbeknownst to me, I later discovered that she was "dating" men who had a penchant for distended bellies and breast milk.

Gross - I know. We went to high school together and I have since lost touch. Probably for the best actually, LOL...

I like how one of the women was 8 months pregnant. Can you imagine hiring her and in the middle of whatever you were paying for the water breaks! Very classy...

Ah, The Good Old Days...

"Top 25 Biggest Product Flops of All Time"

This was actually a fun article to look through on WalletPop.

Ah, the good old days when they didn't give a shit what they marketed, as long as it made money. I must admit I did recognize some of these products such as "New Coke", "Crystal Pepsi" , The Edsel and DeLorean automobiles but some of this crap was just plain retarded...

For instance, the pet water that came in Crispy Beef or Tangy Fish flavors. I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to have fish stink dropped all over the floor after my pugs bury their heads into the water bowl. Since they have that "smashed in face" look, they have to practically dip their heads into the water bowl like they are bobbing for apples when they drink. This of course allows them to drip water all over the place afterward. I guess it would also leave their face smelling fishy as well. Gross. Bad idea.

Kellogg's Breakfast mates...I remember seeing this commercial on TV a few times and I always thought that it was fucking gross. As the article indicates, the thought of warm milk was too much for me to handle. Especially milk that was already in the bowl with the cereal. Was it mushy? I had no idea. Anything that was in a liquid and stayed crunchy was not appealing and I cringed at the thought of what it would do to my stomach. Or my asshole for that matter as I would eventually have to evacuate it. Oh Lord, TMI...

Earring Magic Ken. He does look WAY gay but I think it would actually sell these days. It looks a lot like . Besides any self respecting fashionista needs a queen to tell her what not and what to wear...

Touch of Yogurt Shampoo. Sounds totally nasty. It even looks nasty. It seems like they will try anything to see if it sells. Remember Body on Tap Shampoo (thanks to Twitchery on Flickr)? That shampoo with the beer in it? Hey, that actually was good stuff. I remember my mom buying that back in the 70's...

McDonald's Arch Deluxe. I actually liked that sandwich. I always wondered where that went. And what ever happened to the McRib? Hmmm...

So, I wonder what products that are out there today are going to show up on a list like this in about 10-20 years?

The Dark Knight...A Lackluster Review...

So, last night I finally went to see what all the hype was about and purchased tickets for The Dark Knight.

I was actually excited and had to get tickets for a later showing as all the rest had been sold out. So I get the tickets in my hot little hand and go to T.G.I.Friday's before the show and have a few beers and this Jack Daniels hamburger that actually turned out to be very delish.

After eating, we head out to Wal-Mart and buy our candy there as it's $.88 for a huge box of Juijyfruits, M&M's and Milk Duds as opposed to $5.00 fucking dollars each at the theater for half the amount. We arrive about 20 minutes early for the show and already there is a huge line to get into our particular show. One minute before scheduled showtime, they finally let us in. We get a good seat.

One thing I did notice was that the previews for the coming attractions all sucked except this one with Ben Stiller and Robert Downey, Jr. which kinda looked funny. Anyway, I digress...So the movie starts and it immediately gets going with the action. I wasn't fully aware of the length of the movie but it seemed to keep my attention for the most part.

All in all, I didn't see what all the hype was about. It was good but not as great as everyone seems to be touting. Heath Ledger wasn't that good and I couldn't see why he said the character made him crazy because it was a more comical one than scary. Oscar worthy? Ehhhh, I've seen better. One thing that started to get on my nerves was the way Batman was talking. He sounded like he was trying to push out a jammed turd most of the time. At one point I didn't even understand what the hell he had said.

Other than that it was fine...

Yoshi, Did You Bring The Air Pump And The WD-40?...

"73-year-old porn star bedazzles Japan's aged"

What does a 73 year old ding-dong look like? I shudder at the thought...

Well at least he is getting paid is all I can say about this one. I like 'em older myself but that's taking it a little further than I would like to venture!

Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha was dating the Jurassic looking old guy and was all into him until she saw his wrinkly saggy ass as he got out of bed naked, ROFL! Ah memories...

Sick Bastard...

"EX-CON GETS LIFE FOR COLUMBIA STUDENT TORTURE"

These kinds of monsters are real and they are out there people...

Not much shocks me but this came pretty close. The things he did to this poor girl are so gruesome, I would be able to write a few horror novels from that material.

I hope he gets his comeuppance in Riker's. I'm sure there are a few people ready to greet him there...

Interesting Disappearance... Part 2

"Missing Florida Girl's Grandmother Panicked Over 'Dead Body' Smell in 911 Call"

Dead body smell...Hmmm, I wonder what that could have been from?

As I wrote about this story previously, it really is beginning to look like the mother was responsible for the disappearance of little Caylee Marie Anthony.

To bring us current again from the last update:

So when we last left this saga, the police were interviewing all the acquaintances of the mother Casey. One person had said that they had seen bruises and a mark under the child's eye when they last saw her without actually knowing that the police had a photo of the toddler depicting this same thing as well. Nothing has come of that.

In the meantime, the police completed a complete search of the car that Casey Anthony was driving when she was initially found, sans daughter Caylee, and "...they detected the scent of human decomposition in the trunk of a car used by the child's mother...". They also found strands of hair similar to those of the missing toddler and some dirt in the trunk, which in my mind isn't that out of the ordinary as they could have been on bags or clothing that the child owned or the relatives owned and may have fallen off while going on a trip or through daily errands.

The grandmother's response to this was purely comical and down right disturbing, "Do me a favor," the grandmother, Cindy Anthony, said Wednesday. "Put a little piece of pizza or any piece of garbage in your car today and leave it shut up for 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 days in this heat and then come back to me in 19 days and tell me what it smells like." With that, it's starting to sound like the parents of Casey Anthony are starting to either a) make excuses for their liar daughter or b) cover up something they know about.

Then all of a sudden a "tip" comes in from a women in Orlando, FL who claims to have seen the child boarding a plane with an "older women" in that area. She claims to have spoken with the "abducted" and given the way the child pronounced her name, it was deemed by the family as a "credible" tip. Again, nothing has come of this. The police are saying they have substantial circumstantial evidence relating this to a homicide and the mother has officially become a "person of interest". In other words, they suspect she offed the kid but can't prove it just yet.

Now the 911 tapes have been released and there are 2 from the grandmother, which thus began the saga of missing toddler Caylee Marie Anthony.

The first call from the grandmother merely asks that police be dispatched to arrest her daughter Casey for car theft and also for stealing some money. Apparently, she had been missing a month and the car had been towed and recovered. The grandmother also expressed concern that her granddaughter was nowhere in sight.

She then called back about an hour later crying, apparently after being informed that the child has also been missing for that same period of time, a month. She goes on to say to the 911 operator, "There's something wrong... I found my daughter's car today, and it smells like there's been a dead body in the damn car." The 911 operator goes on to speak with Casey herself and that's where the lie regarding the babysitter seems to get started as she goes on to say that the sitter stole the child 31 days prior.

There was also a tip that fresh concrete was being poured in the yard around July 4th at the residence of the grandparents but that has also seemed to be either unsubstantiated or completely bogus. The reward has also been raised to $250K for the safe return of the child thanks to a wealthy local business man.

So what does this all mean? Sounds like the mother knows exactly what happened to the kid and if hoping the body doesn't get found. She seems to be trying to focus attention away from the area. My bet is the kid is buried in somewhere near the child's grandparents house. Or as I stated before, in a swamp somewhere...

No News Of Interest Today...

So, I'm reading my normal online rags and it seems like it's the same shit from yesterday. Maybe there will be something of interest later in the day...

Rectal Probes On The Horizon...

"Fliers Complain About X-Rated Security Screenings: TSA Agents Forced Woman To Remove Nipple Rings, Pulled Pants Off Disabled Man"

This is totally what it's come to.

I can actually see both sides of the coin on this one but there is a key statement in this whole article:

"But experts have said it's important to use common sense when balancing security and customer service."

I recently flew to Florida on vacation and can appreciate the heightened security measures as they are in place to protect everyone on that plane as well as the people on the ground. But there was also some security people who acted like they were the fucking Gestapo. Was very disturbing.

As for making someone take out their nipple rings, that's just plain stupid. I hope that women sues the shit out of the airline and that specific idiot who made her use pliers to take them off.

And the guard who pulled down the old man's pants...If that was me I would have bitch slapped the asshole. Jail or no jail, you don't do that shit right out in the open. Take the guy to a room and then have him pull his pants down.

Where is the common sense in all of this?