And Some People Think I Am Disturbed...

After reading this article, I can truly say that I am grossed out beyond grossed out. It's bad enough to have sex with a dead body but to have sex with one that was pregnant and one with her head dangling off is what REALLY horrifies me.

Actually, I'm curious to see what this degenerate looks like. Thanks for not posting a picture Cincinnati.com! Now, I'll spend my lunch looking for his mugshot due to my sick sense of curiosity...

She Had It Coming...Probably...

"Grandmother rescues woman who was stabbed 20 times by stranger in supermarket attack"

I can totally relate to this story. Sometimes as I am shopping in the grocery store (well lets face it, shopping anywhere or just being out in public for that matter), I wouldn't mind beating the shit out of some stupid idiot with a pork loin or can of peas.

Unless this guy is a total psycho, which is not totally out of the question (it is England you know), she probably did something to piss him off such as taking the last package of Scott toilet tissue or monopolizing the frozen breakfast food section in the cooler...standing there wondering what to buy with the door open...fogging up the damn windows for the next person who in turn won't be able to make out what exactly is in the cooler because they can't see through the glass door...

On a similar note, I was cut off 3 fucking times in the cafeteria this morning while getting my usual grub for the start of another dull work day:

As I was reaching for a cup for my coffee, this inconsiderate bitch cuts right in front of me and takes the cup that I was reaching for. Literally bumping me out of the way.

As I was walking towards the jam for my bagel another inconsiderate bitch side-steps in front of me as she continues to talk to her friend blocking the condiment area and as I said "Excuse me", she looks at me and reaches for the jam that I am trying to get to. Then the bitch sticks that same jam spreader in the butter bin and spreads it all over the fucking place and then puts it back into the jam. Now, There is globs of butter floating in the grape jelly, yuck.

Then as I am about to check out another inconsiderate bitch runs in front of me to check out first and proceeds to hold up the line because she can't remember what the hell she ordered. So they have to go through her plate and calculate everything. Honestly, I think she was trying to get away with free shit but I am glad the cashier wasn't buying her sudden amnesia. Anyway, she also takes her time "finding" her money to pay for her breakfast causing me to waste more time.

So, in reading this article, I can seriously relate to wanting to bludgeon someone in a public place.

Really?...

So...I was walking into work yesterday and saw this pregnant chick outside smoking while rubbing her enormous belly. Really?

Obviously she has not read the God damn Surgeon General's warning on the pack which is PLAIN AS DAY. I almost expected her to have one tooth in her head and pull out a flask of her poison of choice right there in the smoker's paradise (the little enclosed area where you are allowed to smoke on site).

What was ridiculous is there were about 5 other people out there smoking as well and they were totally ignoring the fact that there was a preggo idiot huffing on a menthol. Literally the pink elephant in the room...

A Dedication...

I dedicate this to the douchebag that stole my ring at work.

I hope you die a painful and slow death...

...Maybe falling into an industrial size meat grinder and having my ring get caught in the grinding mechanism making it lurch and go all the more slower than it already does.
...Or maybe my ring will get caught in the washing machine while it's still on your finger during the spin cycle and rip your arm off in the ensuing melee of spin action.
...Or maybe you choke on it accidentally as you shove that ham sandwich into your piehole and it falls off as you inhale the food.
...Or maybe you get the shit beat out of you by the person robbing you for that same ring when they see how nice it looks.
...Or maybe you overdose on the crack you bought from selling my ring at the local pawn shop.

Whatever happens, you deserve it.

Stinkbomb Takes It Up A Notch...

So...I have been telling you about the disgusting creature I call "Stinkbomb" who is always in Au Bon Pain in the mornings, right? Well today he really outdid himself. He must have been inspired by the Olympics because he went for the gold today, or the "brown" in his case (that's foreshadowing for all you not in the know...).

Well, I walk in and immediately am hit with the stench of body cheese and unwashed hair. I look to my left and surprise surprise, it's that pig Stinkbomb. The smell today was even more ripe than usual and as I headed for the coffee making station 2 women come in and rather loudly say "God, it stinks in here". I politely informed then that they had just walked past the culprit and they both turned and looked in disgust at the disheveled bastard reading the USA Today by the window. The one lady comments that she thought it was food gone bad; I laugh.

I finish making my coffee (6 sugars and light cream), pick up my poppy seed bagel and head to the counter to check out. As my bagel is toasting I notice that SB has this weird look on his face and gets up really quick, grabs his bag and literally runs to the bathroom. As he speeds past me I get the ungodly whiff of the most putrid odor wafting through the air. It is then that I realize that he must have just shit his pants...right there in the cafe...in front of everyone...on the chair...The place smelled like someone just changed 500 dirty diapers on a table in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. The manager was making a sandwich and must have smelt the aroma because he looks up really fast to see the bathroom door swing shut and grimaces. I grab my now toasted bagel and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Thank God tomorrow is our last day in this building...

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Fat Guy In Little Coat...

Ever see these buffaloes in those Hoover Round scooters who are so enormous, they can't even walk anymore and simply live in one of these things? Well, we have one here in our building, and she's a bitch extraordinaire.

So, I'm at my usual morning haunt, A Bunch of Pain, and I see Miss Universe (I call her that because she thinks the world revolves around her) sitting in front of the cookie/brownie display case looking all pissed off. From previous experience and run ins, I make it a point to totally AVOID her ass as she has intentionally run over my foot once before after I asked her to "please scoot over" in the elevator lobby as she was literally blocking the fucking entryway, but I digress...

Anyway, I grab my bagel after some maneuvering as she is right next to the poppy seeds and get in line. Meanwhile she is thumbing through the case looking for what, I assume, is the perfect cookie. As I am being rung up, she makes it a point to rip the poor girl a new butthole because the cookies have now gotten smaller, or so she believes they have, over the past year and she feels she's entitled to a "free" few (not one but a few). The girl is telling her that she is sorry, but she can't do that and the woman grabs her bag of cookies (she actually purchased about 4 or 5) and speeds off into the sunset griping.

The whole time I am thinking what a total lonely bitch this woman must be. She is seriously off putting, as displayed by her demeanor towards others, and the fact that she uses that GD chair as a weapon certainly doesn't help her cause either. Sad. I'm surprised that engine has held up this long. I remember her screaming at someone once that she was "handicapped" and the person said, "No, you're just fat!"...

A Possible Reason For The Insanity We Call The Cube Farm...

"Desk rage spoils workplace for many Americans"

Maybe that donut from the parking garage this morning has this so-called "Desk Rage".

I have actually seen quite a few people lose their shit at work in my lifetime. Of course, you never see them again, but at least you got a good show before the ax fell.

Drama In The Parking Garage...

So...This morning I was tongue lashed by an ugly women with a bad wig. What, you say? Well, it all started with a simple question...

I am driving into the parking garage and parking in my usual area when I see this guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. No big deal, right?

So I park and get out of my truck and then see another guy (I used to work with him before he transferred to another floor) wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans also. No big deal, right?

So I walk to the elevator and see ANOTHER person, this time an older haggish looking creature wearing a very bad wig, which was on slightly crooked and quite possibly had a chin strap, who was also wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. So I ask her, "Is it Hawaiian shirt day on one of the floors?". She then precedes to rip me a new asshole and claims that I am being rude by having the nerve to ask her that. She also screams a question as to whether she should return home and change just to satisfy my fashion taste. The first thing I thought was "Fuck you", but instead of saying that I tell her, not only was her response rude but she should leave her crabbiness at home before she comes to work Crabby McCrab, (yes I did call her that).

So we are walking out and I didn't bother to hold the door for her...

My question is this, Was it entirely rude of me to ask that question or was this Harpie just looking for a fight?

Does This Tat Make My Ass Look Big?...

"Too tattooed to work?"

Tattoos can be very off putting in some circumstances and hot in others...

I have mixed feelings on this one. Although I have a tattoo myself, I don't think that ALL tattoos are something that should be flaunted in the workplace. There has to be some form of professionalism when entering the job market, especially in an environment that I currently work in. We do have a business casual dress code but at the same time you shouldn't be coming to work looking like you just woke up and rolled out of bed or just came from the beach. Too inappropriate. Likewise, when you come to work I feel like I don't want to be looking at someones tattoo of a skull with a knife through it all day long. If I was out at a club, I wouldn't give a shit, at work- different story.

I also wouldn't like to be served at a restaurant by someone who had all kinds of piercings coming out of their face and tattoos up the wazoo while I'm trying to enjoy my overpriced steak and baked potato. It's not classy in an environment like food service. Just as I wouldn't want to be served by someone who had all kinds of black shit under their nails. Appearance baby...

Now, would I enjoy hanging out with a tattooed up leather daddy on a Friday night? What do you think? There is a time and place for everything...

PS. That ultraviolet tattoo sounds really cool. I had never heard of that one before...

Secret Delight...

There's almost nothing I like better (other than seeing them trip and fall, he he he) than seeing someone I absolutely can't stand get a new hair-don't. I had this pleasure today and the butcher Potato Head (what I like to call this trainwreck) went to made an absolute mess of the twat's hair. Muah ha ha ha.

Of course, the sighting took place at the normal rendezvous for me, A Bunch of Pain. I was walking in and she was coming out. I actually did a double take because it was so bad/funny, she looked at me, I rolled me eyes and we parted ways. The back story on our relationship is that she lied to my boss trying to get me in trouble and it backfired. She then tried to be nice to me afterward and I basically gave her a "Fuck you" look and it's been great ever since.

These workplace drama-mama's are so stupid. It's like they look for shit to start a controversy and if there is nothing there they make it up. I mean do they not have anything better to do, such as, I don't know, ACTUAL WORK to do instead of lurking around corners eavesdropping or getting bundled up in everyone else's underwear? Every office has a few and at my office they abound.

I wish yeast infections on all of you that do that!...

Kids Drain Your Lifeforce...

"Teacher Dies Minutes After Retiring From 36-Year Career"

Dead teacher

How much does this suck? You spend all those years having to deal with all those bratty kids (I know, I was a fourth grader) and then you kick it right after you are finally paroled. It kind of reminds me of how smokers usually die off right after they give up the habit. It's like your body doesn't know what to do with itself. She must have been so used to giving the smack down in class that the thought of not being able to do that anymore shocked her. What's going to happen when I give up booze? I perish the thought...

My Gag Reflex Still Works...

Why is it that people still refuse to take a fucking bath before they venture out into the workplace? I'm not talking about the occasional time or if you had taken a shower the night before. No, I'm talking about these stink bombs who are literally on strike from the shampoo bottle and pollute the delicate air that I breathe.

I say this, as I was hit by a cloud of funk while venturing into A Bunch of Pain (Au Bon Pain for those not ITK). My morning ritual consists of logging into my computer, setting up my Ipod for a day of (hopefully) uninterrupted podcast listening and going down to A Bunch of Pain for a bagel, coffee and a large cup of ice for my daily water intake. It seems as though a totally nasty interloper has invaded the area as of late and insists on camping out at a table near the door. Normally, I wouldn't pay much attention to this but if it weren't for the fact that you are immediately accosted by this stench of what seems to be a combination of B.O., grease from unwashed hair and probably bad personal hygiene after waste evacuation.

The guy is obviously in the computer tech field as he has a pocket protector (yes they still make those) and just gives that nerd vibe off hardcore. My question is simply this: Why the fuck have they not pulled this guy aside and coached him on the proper usage of soap and water? I would totally be unable to sit in the vicinity of this person and actually be expected to work. The weather has turned warm and I can only imagine the fog of vapors that surrounds his work station. It's almost like Pigpen from the Peanuts Gang and his dust cloud. IT IS THAT BAD, seriously.

If there is one piece of advise that I can give to you it's simply this: Wash your ass and your clothes regularly...

Work Issues...

How much does it tick you off when you take vacation days and not a single person picks up the slack while you are gone, leaving you with a pile of now "out of compliance" work to do? So wrong...