101 Uses For A Vacuum...

"Swan Creek Township, Michigan, man jailed for activity at car wash"

There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:

1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?

2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?

3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?

Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?

On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...

Does This Herpes Sore Make Me Look Fat?...

"Prostitution has not suffered drop-off despite economic meltdown"

Hmmm...Who would have known that donut punching with a professional was not hit by the economic crunch? Seems to me that I am slaving away in the wrong field according to this article.

The picture says it all. If you look at the knees of the depicted women, you will notice scuff marks and scars, a sure sign that they are, as stated, "still busy" during these hard...hard...hard economic times.

I like the one girl's bit of wiz-dumb imparted upon the reader:

"If men are horny, they're going to come in here." - Um...no shit. I would never have thought that.

"Sadie admits her business has suffered a bit in the fiscal crisis. Some clients are cutting back on their spending, and some aren't returning, she said." - Another reason for this could be that you aren't that good in bed...even with the discounted rate. Some pervs do have standards you know.

"With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college." - I think she meant, "How is he going to finish college?" Here's a thought: Have him get a fucking job and get the mattress detached from your back.

My mom loves me but I can guarantee that she wouldn't have gone out and gave head for my chemistry 101 textbook and the required lab goggles. Sounds to me like she is using her son as an excuse or she is truly so stupid that she hasn't ever heard of federal student loans.

What Are You Doing With That Thing?...

"Horrific High School Football Hazing Case Shakes New Mexico Town"

Oh for crying out loud, this is not that bad of an incident.

The headline makes it seem like the broomsticks were actually stuck up inside of their stinkholes instead of what was probably just poking at the rim with the broom handle. "Horrific" my ass! Sounds like a regular Saturday night at the club.

Now if the coach pulled out his boner and started smacking it on someone's head, THAT would be horrific...(I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about that one actually, but I digress...)...They had their fucking shorts on for Chrisakes! Sounds like another overblown bullshit case of hazing.

Las Vegas, NM is a shit hole anyway. They need some sort of entertainment out there.

Now if it were possible to stick something up your ass while still having your clothes on, gay bars in America would truly be a site to behold. In fact I might venture out to the dance floor more often...

Yoshi, Did You Bring The Air Pump And The WD-40?...

"73-year-old porn star bedazzles Japan's aged"

What does a 73 year old ding-dong look like? I shudder at the thought...

Well at least he is getting paid is all I can say about this one. I like 'em older myself but that's taking it a little further than I would like to venture!

Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha was dating the Jurassic looking old guy and was all into him until she saw his wrinkly saggy ass as he got out of bed naked, ROFL! Ah memories...