A True Stink Bomb...

"Middle School Girl's Perfume Sends 11 Students, Bus Driver to Hospital "

This is totally retarded, yet quite befitting a mid-schooler.

It must have been J-Lo's "Glow"...either that or Paris Hilton's "Just Me"...

Being that the vapors were so toxic, the government should look into this fragrance as a chemical weapon. Imagine the possibilities.

"If you're out for a night on the town or dirty bombing a Afghan village, GLOW from J-Lo"...

I Didn't Know Amy Wino Was In Town...

"Cops: Woman Battered Beau With Toilet Seat: Floridian, 18, attacked after finding boyfriend smoking crack in loo"

Ha ha ha! Now this is my kind of woman...

If you have an 8 month old child the last thing you need to be spending money on is crack dumb ass! He was probably supposed to go out and buy pampers and instead he came back with stones. The piece de resistance of the whole event was the domestic violence pamphlet that was left at the scene of the crime.

If I had the money, I would totally bail this chick out and pay for her lawyer, but I don't so it's a moot point...

I Think He Described The Room Quite Well Actually...

"British Student Writes Nothing but Expletive on Exam, Gets Credit for Spelling"

What, no punctuation? How rude!

I'm trying to think if my English teacher from high school, Mr. Horton, would have given me credit for writing "Fuck off" on the final essay exam. I think maybe not. Although he was my uncle's best friend and I had seen him "fucked up" on quite a few occasions.

Perhaps I could have used the drunken partying and puke incidents as some sort of blackmail thingy to get a good grade. Oh well, you live and you learn. I did end up with an A-...fucker...he couldn't at least bump it up to an A!!!!

If This Cardboard Box Is A Rockin'...

"Report: Gloucester Teens Had Pact To Get Pregnant"

Stupid pregnant teens irk me. There's just something sad about a girl who doesn't have the brains or will power to keep her legs crossed...

Are you kidding me? Seriously, what a bunch of morons to even think this was anywhere in the vicinity of a good idea. Our country is totally going to hell and it's starting to really become a contest among the millions of idiots out there as to who can become the next outrageous headline. Like this:

"We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," he told Time.

LOL! Where are all the parenting skills in this country. People need to start taking control over their kids, start beating their kids asses more often and stop letting them run fucking amok...

What No Tampon Machine?...

"Cross-Dressing Students Get 'Transvestite Toilet' at Thai School"

Oh those crazy trannies are at it again...

LOL! I love this line:

"Three transgender students praised the new restroom as they plucked their eyebrows and applied face powder in front of the mirror outside the stalls."

So gay, lol. These Thai trannies don't mess around. So weird how the level of tolerance in other countries far surpasses that of the US. Then again it doesn't helo that every gay character on TV or in the movies is this flaming stereotypical queen who cares more about their make-up and hair than they do about acting like a normal person, if there is such a thing...

Would You Like A Push-Pop Or A Ding-A-Ling Push-Up?...

"Ice Cream Truck Driver Charged With Raping Girl, 13, He Met on MySpace"

Do you have anymore of those Ding-A-Ling specials?

Oh my. Where the fuck were these ice cream trucks when I was a hungry 13 year old? Truly a fitting company name for this driver. Of course, the question that I always ask is: Was he hot?...

Every time I see these child molestation articles I always think of my high school principal who was arrested for playing with boy's pink-bits. He later died in jail. I always thought that maybe I was ugly because he never made a move on me when I was in school. Although I was in his office one day and it was really kind of creepy. He had this kinky hair and Charles Nelson Riley glasses. He always wore these cowboy boots, polyester pants with a rodeo type buckle on the belt and these odd looking ties that always seemed to be striped and multi-colored. He was pretty cool, aside from the molesting thing, and you could call him CJ instead of his proper name. My good friend lived on the other side of the wall from him and never mentioned any shenanigans on his part, which is strange because they all had bodies from hell. He probably watched them from his upstairs window (he had a three story house, I know, on a Principal's salary) and had relations with himself. Awkward...

Jugs, Knockers, Melons Oh My!...

"Boy Lured by Photo of Pamela Anderson's Breasts Into Sex With Co-Worker"

Breasts

Is this kid retarded? Or color blind for that matter? Clearly something is amiss in this boy's brain as those are OBVIOUSLY not this chick's tits. In fact, I don't think they are Pam Anderson's anymore either. Didn't she have them removed? I think she couldn't tie her shoes or something to that effect and had to have them exorcised from her body. I digress...I'm thinking the kid was seriously horny and decided to "do" this woman regardless of the text trickery...

Keep It Down Back There, I'm Trying To Get Some Sleep!...

"Officials investigating middle school sex video"

http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=8333487

This is the quality of care the kids get in this area. How can you not know that two of your students are fucking right there in the middle of class? Are you that oblivious and unaware that when there are two kids with their pants down IN CLASS, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY that it is probably not appropriate behaviour? Who hires these retards anyway? Give it a few days before every parent of every child that was in that room sues the shit out of the school district for gross neglect and endangering the welfare of a minor...And we wonder where our tax dollars go...

A Penny For Your Thoughts and $10.00 For A Dime Bag...

"Ohio Man Serves Jail Time for Daughter's Failure to Get GED"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354990,00.html

I have to admit that I like how this judge operates. Now if we can only get him to throw parents in jail for letting their kids wear those God awful baggy pants that let dirty asses hang out over the belt line and I would totally vote for this guy to be President. By the way, isn't the math portion on that test really simple? Like counting change and shit like that? My guess is the girl is either knocked up at this point or has spewed forth a couple kids already, so they should put it in her terms. For instance: You have $10.00 and your babies need some Similac and Pampers. How many dime bags of weed do you need to sell in order to make up the difference to purchase both items and a bag of Cheetos for the baby (as this would be a staple of their nutritional menu most likely)? I bet she'd pass with flying colors!...

Dumbass Burn Victim...

"Wisconsin Teen Suffers Severe Burns in 'Blowtorch Game'"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355063,00.html

Where to begin on this one...Who in their right fucking mind goes out and does this stuff? First of all I don't feel a bit sorry for the little retard as it specifically states ON THE CANISTER that it is highly flammable and to keep it away from an open flame. I think that the problem lies within our educational system actually. If we had enough money to pay teachers, instead of diverting it to other countries to fund their crap, then these little donuts would actually know how to read.

Hit Me Baby...One More Time...

"Texas Teens Tell Police They Converted Skull Into Bong"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354667,00.html

If your hitting the pipe that hard that you have to dig up a dead body and use the head for a bong you have a serious problem...You're buying some bad shit! I'd either switch dealers, follow the hit with a shot chaser or at the very least switch to prescription pills...

Yes! Yes! Yes!...

"High School Lacrosse team suspended after spelling prom invitation on bare bottoms"

http://www.mlive.com/news/index.ssf/2008/04/high_school_lacrosse_team_susp.html

I totally would have gone to the prom with them...All of them:)

The Mother Of All Inventions!...

"Conflict follows device that drives away teen loiterers"

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/04/23/teen.be.gone.ap/index.html

I like this idea. Fuck 'em...If they are in a place they shouldn't be, they should suffer the consequences. It's not like they have a right to vandalize areas where it was installed...

You Gonna Eat That Last Drumstick?...

"I was given a young man's heart - and started craving beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken. My daughter said I even walked like a man"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=558256&in_page_id=1774

Two things about this story. The first and obvious, simply put, is that it is merely a ploy to sell her book. Craving beer and KFC? Give me a fucking break. It would have been quite fascinating if he (the heart donor) turned out to be black. I would have absolutely lost my mind with hysterical laughter. I could just see her with a 40 oz and a bucket of chicken. How stupid and racist would that be, LOL, oh but I digress...I couldn't even finish reading this one as it is so filled with bullshit descriptions and lengthy prose (most of which could be done without). I hope she doesn't have another transplant or else we might be hearing of her second book about how she has an intense urge to pick her ass and fling feces after getting a monkey lung or something.

The other point I would like to address is in the first paragraph and how the man that committed suicide like the donor of the heart he received did before him. It turns out that he married the donor's former wife. Well, it's quite apparent that they both offed themselves to get away from her! HELLO! She might have been a holy terror. Who knows? You don't need a degree to come to that conclusion...

She Must Have Had Aspirations Of Becoming Benny Hanna Chef...

"Teen Girls Killed in Wreck After Attempting to Rob Cab Driver by Slashing His Face"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,348448,00.html

Karma is a bitch...And by the way, was this chick stupid or what? If your in a speeding car, it's probably not a good idea to dice up the driver's face while they are trying to concentrate on the road. You think?