Tragic, But There Is A Bright Side...

"Model Loses Hands, Feet to Severe Infection"

Model pics

This really sucks. Thank God her talent was playing the piano with her tits. She can still compete. She's just got to find a way to tape the high heels to her ankles..

There's One Born Every Minute...

"Woman out $400K to 'Nigerian scam' con artists"

Oh Christ on a stick. The most tragic thing about this story is that her intelligence quotient is low enough for her to agree to her picture being published. Looks like she was victimized yet again for our viewing pleasure.

I have absolutely NO sympathy for this idiot. This is just as bad as those emails that say I have won the Brazilian lottery or that I can get a free laptop by just "clicking here"!

I love the disclaimer at the beginning of the article that states she is no relation to Britney Spears, although they have the same last name. Nice touch...

My Have Times Changed...

"California Girl, 8, Found Hanged From Bunk Bed "

The only thing I find disturbing about this article is the fact that the girl had a cell phone and a computer and a door that she was able to lock.

HELLO! Where is the parental guidance here? I know that she lived with her grandmother but that shouldn't cloud the fact that she was totally WAY TOO young to be in possession of these devices. Who the hell was she text messaging anyway? I assume her internet use was not monitored either. This is really sad.

When I was eight we were playing Star Wars in the back yard with sticks as light sabers and old pillow cases as capes. We were not thinking of suicide...

Hang These Bastards...

So, reading today's news articles I have got one thing to say: Any fucking creepy slimeball that fucks kids needs to die. End of story. These bastards are fucking gross, like:

This pig. He thinks consent is puberty and the Bible mandates him to diddle little girls.

This police officer thinks it's okay to barter sex with little girls through their mothers on the internet.

This loser kept a 13 year old girl as a sex slave in his MOTOR HOME and raped her every single day.

This perv used to give free molestations with the tennis lessons he provided.

And the sad thing is the list goes on...

Really?...

So...I was walking into work yesterday and saw this pregnant chick outside smoking while rubbing her enormous belly. Really?

Obviously she has not read the God damn Surgeon General's warning on the pack which is PLAIN AS DAY. I almost expected her to have one tooth in her head and pull out a flask of her poison of choice right there in the smoker's paradise (the little enclosed area where you are allowed to smoke on site).

What was ridiculous is there were about 5 other people out there smoking as well and they were totally ignoring the fact that there was a preggo idiot huffing on a menthol. Literally the pink elephant in the room...

Stinkbomb Takes It Up A Notch...

So...I have been telling you about the disgusting creature I call "Stinkbomb" who is always in Au Bon Pain in the mornings, right? Well today he really outdid himself. He must have been inspired by the Olympics because he went for the gold today, or the "brown" in his case (that's foreshadowing for all you not in the know...).

Well, I walk in and immediately am hit with the stench of body cheese and unwashed hair. I look to my left and surprise surprise, it's that pig Stinkbomb. The smell today was even more ripe than usual and as I headed for the coffee making station 2 women come in and rather loudly say "God, it stinks in here". I politely informed then that they had just walked past the culprit and they both turned and looked in disgust at the disheveled bastard reading the USA Today by the window. The one lady comments that she thought it was food gone bad; I laugh.

I finish making my coffee (6 sugars and light cream), pick up my poppy seed bagel and head to the counter to check out. As my bagel is toasting I notice that SB has this weird look on his face and gets up really quick, grabs his bag and literally runs to the bathroom. As he speeds past me I get the ungodly whiff of the most putrid odor wafting through the air. It is then that I realize that he must have just shit his pants...right there in the cafe...in front of everyone...on the chair...The place smelled like someone just changed 500 dirty diapers on a table in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. The manager was making a sandwich and must have smelt the aroma because he looks up really fast to see the bathroom door swing shut and grimaces. I grab my now toasted bagel and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Thank God tomorrow is our last day in this building...

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Momma, Daddy Dun Blow'd Up...

"Conway Man Dies Tampering With Electric Meter"

I guess that was a bad idea...

This story just screams redneck from head to toe:

Exhibit A: The name of the "victim" Lonnie Montgomery. The only way this would have been any better is if his name had "Jr." attached.

Exhibit B: The scene of the crime, Skunk Hollow Road. This name is pure gold! Reminds me of that Sissy Spacek movie "The Coal Miner's Daughter". They lived down in the "holler".

Exhibit C: The use of jumper cables to power your trailer. Well I can't be quite sure that it was a trailer but I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I digress...Who else would have the ingenuity and sheer genius intellect to think that a pair of jumper cables would be sufficient in directing massive electrical current into your home from a meter box? Sure, there are a lot of non-hillbillies out there who would do the same thing BUT would they still be clutching the damn thing till the very end I ask you? No, I didn't think so...

Here are a few redneck jokes that I came across recently:

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Just Plain Gross...

"Largest Animal Shelter in U.S. Will House 2 Dogs Trained to Have Sex With Women"

These poor animals...

This is just heartbreaking and seriously gross. What the fuck is wrong with people out there? It seems like everyday that goes by, the crazier people get. WHO THE HELL would train their dogs to have sex with them? Apparently these people did, but I'm wondering if they are actually right in the head. Dirty...

I feel sorry for the kid that originally found the recorded tapes showing HIS OWN MOTHER fucking the dogs. I'll tell you, if that was me who saw that kind of stuff involving my own mother I would seriously question my own origin. Every thing you knew about your mom would come into question because if she is capable of this, anything would be possible and, quite obviously, not out of the question...

I'm still kind of sick reading about this stuff.

Fat Guy In Little Coat...

Ever see these buffaloes in those Hoover Round scooters who are so enormous, they can't even walk anymore and simply live in one of these things? Well, we have one here in our building, and she's a bitch extraordinaire.

So, I'm at my usual morning haunt, A Bunch of Pain, and I see Miss Universe (I call her that because she thinks the world revolves around her) sitting in front of the cookie/brownie display case looking all pissed off. From previous experience and run ins, I make it a point to totally AVOID her ass as she has intentionally run over my foot once before after I asked her to "please scoot over" in the elevator lobby as she was literally blocking the fucking entryway, but I digress...

Anyway, I grab my bagel after some maneuvering as she is right next to the poppy seeds and get in line. Meanwhile she is thumbing through the case looking for what, I assume, is the perfect cookie. As I am being rung up, she makes it a point to rip the poor girl a new butthole because the cookies have now gotten smaller, or so she believes they have, over the past year and she feels she's entitled to a "free" few (not one but a few). The girl is telling her that she is sorry, but she can't do that and the woman grabs her bag of cookies (she actually purchased about 4 or 5) and speeds off into the sunset griping.

The whole time I am thinking what a total lonely bitch this woman must be. She is seriously off putting, as displayed by her demeanor towards others, and the fact that she uses that GD chair as a weapon certainly doesn't help her cause either. Sad. I'm surprised that engine has held up this long. I remember her screaming at someone once that she was "handicapped" and the person said, "No, you're just fat!"...

He Gets Crabby At Dinner...Our 200th Post!

"Wife: Man who died didn't order crab dish: No criminal charges will be filed"

This one is a hard one to decide. I like Ruby Tuesday Restaurants and have only had good experiences there.

Here's my take on this one: One of 2 things could have happened here. The customer ordered the entree without reading what exactly was in the dish or the server wrote down the wrong entree and keyed it into the order system.

It couldn't be a kitchen error because the food was prepared according to what was printed on the ticket. So it's not like they made the wrong dish. It can't be an expediting error as the correct food, according to the ticket, was made and brought out to the table. So it had to be server error if this is going to work.

I have seen this many times when I was serving back in the day. The customer orders something and then when it is brought out they either don't like the look of it, have changed their minds or want something free and they will tell you that you brought the wrong food out. It's very annoying and happens more than you would think. Then again, I've also seen servers forget what the hell the customer ordered because they are preoccupied with something else and punch in the wrong item just to get the ticket going. So this is a tough one. But in this case I would think that the customer probably ordered the wrong thing.

They should be looking into a few things though, like how many complaints has this server had in the past for wrong orders? Is this a pattern they have? Was everyone else's order correct at the table? And if the guy was allergic to shellfish, why in the hell did he NOT smell the crab in the entree. Crab has a very distinctive odor and your average person could reasonably discern that there was something "fishy" with the food.

Bottom line is that the server, even though they did repeat the order to the customer, should have pointed out that there was shellfish in that particular dish during the ordering phase. Just as they should point out if peanut oil was used in the preparation of a dish. Common sense...

Side Note:

This is our 200th post! I didn't think I would make it this far!

Gotta Make That Donut Money Somehow...

"FLDS fashions for kids sold on enterprising Web site: Mothers say Texas raid forced them to market their clothing style"

Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph. A Clothing line for the kiddies.

Molesting dirty old men sold separately...

I wonder if the website has a rape bed for sale also, just like the ones in the church loft in Texas...

I Wonder If It Was A Leather Thong?...

"Man Accused of Walking Down Interstate Wearing Thong, Fake Breasts"

What an ugly women this guy would have presented, in a thong, fake breasts and wig no less.

ROFL! This is actually right down the street from where my friend lives. The guy looks like your average trucker, who in general, are the ones to indulge in such affairs. Sometimes I wonder what possesses these guys to do such things. If you want to do that in the privacy of your own home, have at it. But, please, don't subject my delicate eyes to such a fright...

No Sex With Kids...

"Romania Allows 11-Year-Old Alleged Rape Victim to Have Late Abortion"

Some people are seriously deranged. What motivates someone to rape a child?...

This is truly a sad situation. First of all, anyone that gets off on getting off with kids is a fucking gross pig. I don't see how anyone can find sex with a child erotic in ANY way. It's so taboo that even the thought of it makes me squirm.

So, this got me thinking, marrying off your children back in the "old days" was completely acceptable. You had children as young as 12 getting hitched and sent to live with their new found spouse by themselves. When did society start to turn on this one and decide that it was not okay to pimp out your child to the highest bidder? When did we all of a sudden get a conscience and say, "Hey, this is not acceptable."?

I would agree with the parents and the child, for that matter, in this case, in that , I think she would be terribly traumatized with 1) having to go through the birthing process at such a young age 2) the stigma of having had a child in her community and school and 3) having to look at that child everyday and know that he/she was a product of a dirty little secret that she once had to hold inside of herself, literally.

Then you have these anti-abortion zealots who are supposedly thinking of the unborn child but in all actuality, they are thinking of themselves and passing judgement and their own moral compass onto others. You get this with groups condemning homosexuality all the time as well.

I actually got into an argument in college with some anti-abortion protesters once in the Student Union building. They were showing pictures of abortions right there in the Union and they were very graphic and all I could think of was how perverted the whole staging of the protest was. They came off as bullying people into conforming with their religious beliefs and it was pretty scary. So I asked the guy who was handing out the fliers if he knew exactly why that particular child was aborted and he actually responded that he didn't care, it was just wrong to kill a baby. I was dumbfounded. I then asked if he was going to support that child when it came out and he said that wasn't his decision to make and that the parents of the child needed to take responsibility for their actions. So I asked him "What if she was raped?" and I can't really remember anything more of what was said because he started in on me about Jesus and religion and the "Bible says this", etc. It's funny how these religious groups always start in with "the Bible says" crap. I wonder what society would be like if we all lived the literal translations of The Good Book.

Come to think of it, I always wondered why they allowed that to take place in the Union actually...

She'll OD By Year's End...

"Winehouse Has Emphysema, Says Dad"

Crack is whack...

I can't imagine the amount of crack and heroin this trainwreck must be smoking ON TOP OF the cigarettes, so much that, at 24 you are going to need an oxygen machine to breathe. She has to be hitting that pipe all day, all week, all month.

I once knew this crackhead chick who was wired all the time. She eventually got fired from her job and started to let herself go. I always thought she must have smelt like a fucking garbage bin from Joe's Crab Shack down there after awhile. So nasty what this stuff and meth will do to people.

I don't understand the draw of heroin. I have never done it myself but they say that it's almost the same high as Oxycontin. I did take that once and it made me feel seriously sick and I thought , "Who the hell would deliberately want to feel like this all day?". I would have rather have eaten a pizza...

Anyway, I bet they are telling her that to scare her into quitting whatever substance she is on. There is a quote that I love and it's very fitting for this situation:

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

So true...

No Class While Getting It In The Ass...

"Park officials target sex in the dunes"

Oh jeez, I have heard so much about these dunes, it has actually hindered me from wanting to go to this place.

I have a friend who keeps telling me that Provincetown, MA is not a sex hive for gays but after reading this, I think maybe he has been lying.

I had a different friend who told me that he went there to P-Town and they were walking in the dunes exploring the area and they saw a huge line of people. So, they walked over to see what they were all waiting for thinking it was some sort of BBQ or something like that and it turned out to be a line of people waiting to fuck some gross queen's ass right out there in the open. Just standing in line there like they were waiting for Maury tickets outside the theater. He said that after the initial shock of that, they turned and got the hell out of Dodge.

After moving out here, I've found the men to be far scarier than out west that's for sure. I went camping once and had a guy just come into my tent and try to pull my pants down. So fucking rude...

Suck In The Gut Baby...

"Dinged By A G-String? Woman, 52, sues Victoria's Secret, claims injury from defective thong"

Is this the front or the back?

Oh Good Lord... What next? I thought this was going to be some kind of ass crack or hoo-hoo injury not an EYE INJURY! How the hell was she putting these damn things on? She's probably overweight and tried to fit into something not designed for the size of her ass and the damn thing snapped and poked her eye out. They even asked to examine the garment but the plaintiff refused. They were probably all stretched to capacity and shredded and it probably would have hindered her lawsuit.

It reminds me of that scene in Polyester where Cuddles was trying on the "designer" dresses but she was really chubs and she kept ripping them apart over her gut and upper punky fat. Hilarious...

Step Away From The Donuts...

"700-Pound Man's Birthday Wish? Marriage"

How about wishing for a jaw wiring or a lock for the fridge? There is absolutely no reason for ANYONE to let themselves get to 1,235 lbs. He blames it on junk food but how about taking responsibility for your own actions. No one forced him to stuff his face with garbage. I doubt anyone was holding a gun to his head while dangling a fucking Quarter Pounder in front of him.

The girlfriend is obviously a chubby chaser as her last boyfriend was obese and keeled over on her. She certainly has her hands full now.

It's also very sad that the only way for him to get out involves a crane and a flatbed and still he gets caught underneath an overpass. If it wasn't so grotesque it would be funny...

Seriously, I doubt that I could live that way. Imagine having to have someone bathe and wipe your ass everyday. You'd have to buy one of those hooks that you attach toilet paper to just so you could clean your own hole. You'd have to have a bed reinforced with lug nuts to support your ever increasing girth. Special garments because nothing would be off the rack in your closet. Truly depressing.

I hope he makes it down the aisle...

Why Do We Allow The Retarded To Conceal Weapons?...

"Child, 4, Shoots Self at Sam's Club With Grandma's Gun"

Granny Oakley's gun...

Why does this not shock me? All the elements are there: 1) In the South 2) gun toting granny 3) unsupervised rug rat 4) Wal-Mart...

Why does a fucking grandma have a gun in her purse? And most importantly, why the hell is she letting her grand kid rummage around in said purse knowing there's a loaded gun inside? The only thing that would surprise me about this story is if the grandma had more than one tooth in her mouth and if the baby had anything other than soda-pop in it's bottle (yeah I know the kid is 4 years old- it's the South! I bet it still wears diapers)...

Another Day In Paradise...

"Video of Gruesome Hit-and-Run Released by Connecticut Police"

Hit and run, ghetto style...

This actually happened a few blocks from where I live and honestly I'm surprised that it hasn't come out that the video camera used to record the incident was not stolen itself. What a fucking ghetto neighborhood the Park Street area is. I actually have seen quite a few hit and runs there and it's nothing new. That's probably why no one gave a shit about the guy in the street because it's so common. And in the driver's defense, however sick this may sound, the people in that area tend to walk right out in the middle of traffic. Apparently, the use of crosswalks has escaped the educational system in this town.

What shocks me is that nobody ran up and robbed the poor bastard as he was lying there...