Stinkbomb Takes It Up A Notch...

So...I have been telling you about the disgusting creature I call "Stinkbomb" who is always in Au Bon Pain in the mornings, right? Well today he really outdid himself. He must have been inspired by the Olympics because he went for the gold today, or the "brown" in his case (that's foreshadowing for all you not in the know...).

Well, I walk in and immediately am hit with the stench of body cheese and unwashed hair. I look to my left and surprise surprise, it's that pig Stinkbomb. The smell today was even more ripe than usual and as I headed for the coffee making station 2 women come in and rather loudly say "God, it stinks in here". I politely informed then that they had just walked past the culprit and they both turned and looked in disgust at the disheveled bastard reading the USA Today by the window. The one lady comments that she thought it was food gone bad; I laugh.

I finish making my coffee (6 sugars and light cream), pick up my poppy seed bagel and head to the counter to check out. As my bagel is toasting I notice that SB has this weird look on his face and gets up really quick, grabs his bag and literally runs to the bathroom. As he speeds past me I get the ungodly whiff of the most putrid odor wafting through the air. It is then that I realize that he must have just shit his pants...right there in the cafe...in front of everyone...on the chair...The place smelled like someone just changed 500 dirty diapers on a table in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. The manager was making a sandwich and must have smelt the aroma because he looks up really fast to see the bathroom door swing shut and grimaces. I grab my now toasted bagel and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Thank God tomorrow is our last day in this building...

Way Too Bizarre...

"Corpse Kept Upright for 3-Day Wake"

This is just way too creepy for my taste.

First off, the guy was really young so why would he already be planning his wake so early in life? He must have been doing something he shouldn't have been and knew that it would eventually catch up with him. I don't know of any 24 year old that is making these kind of requests and bizarre ones at that. And to be found dead under a bridge only brings more questions as to what the activities he was participating in were.

There is just something really disturbing about seeing that body propped up in the corner like that. The closed eyes, the poutty lips, the pancake make-up and the hunch in his back all combined make him look artificial. You would at least think they would dress him in some decent burial attire. He looks like he is on his way to a fucking 50 Cent concert.

Weren't there any health concerns related to a dead body being in that position out in the open like that for three days? You would think that the fluid in the body would migrate to the feet and begin to spill out onto the floor. A very disgusting thought but one that deserves MAJOR consideration. I couldn't imagine having lost my child and then having to clean up the mess that was left on the floor after the wake. Seems to me that there would be serious biological issue to contend with and the safety of the living should have been taken into consideration before the wishes of the dead.

One of the comments left on the article states, "This seems more like a grieving mothers last wish, "Make him look as alive as possible."... by Susique333 " and I would have to agree with them. It seems like the mother couldn't deal with her child dying and this may have been a last ditch effort to immortalize him in some sick way. Her last image of him being there at a gathering standing around with all the other guests. So sick the way the mind works in times of distress...

On To The Next Dramatic Issue...

Now that Michael Phelps has fulfilled his prophecy of taking over my television, newspaper and online content with his bad teeth I suppose the country will go through a little withdrawal until the end of day and move onto the next big bullshit topic...Who is Obama picking to run on his losing ticket with?

I guess you can say that I am bitter that this country is easily swayed with fancy talk and glitter but what's irked me more is that I wanted to like this guy but he seems to already be a bought and paid for and I totally became turned off. Anyway, I digress...So after he picks his "running mate" I suppose that will be the topic of conversation until McCain does the same thing and the conventions are over.

Seems weird that I am young enough to remember times where my biggest concern was what to wear to school and who my favorite band was and old enough now to worry about where this country and my money are headed to. Times like these make me want to go to Dairy Queen and drown myself in a Hawaiian Blizzard with Oreo...

Overexposed...

If I hear one more God damn thing about Micheal fucking Phelps I swear I am going to commit suicide by jumping in front of the first commuter train that comes into the local station!

Can the media give this guy any MORE coverage? Seriously? I mean it's not like there are other athletes there in Beijing or anything. It's not like I haven't heard every little factoid on his life. I want more! Please oh please!!!

I had to laugh at how every aspect of this guy's life is scrutinized, dissected and spun in ways to make it appear that he was on some collision course with destiny and how he is this great embodiment of the athletic ideal in the pool and out. How every American should aspire to be like Phelps. We should all bow to the alter of Michael and sacrifice our first born in his honor. YET, everyone of these diatribes and homages fail to mention his drunk driving arrest after the last Olympics. Typical of the American media...

Curiosity Will Always Get You In Trouble...

So I'm listening to some Podcasts yesterday on my iPod and one of them had mentioned sex reassignment surgery or SRS as it is more commonly known. Unfortunately, that got the wheels turning in my head and I decided that it might be a good idea to see if I could find something online with pictures of the surgery.

I began my search of course by typing in "MTF vagina pictures" on Google and hit the images link and get a few pictures that pop up. Nothing too bad. I continue to nose around and am directed to another website about cosmetic surgery and there I am able to see before and after pictures of not only SRS but of vaginoplasty and of course the ever popular boob jobs. I also see some pictures of a Female to Male surgery result and what they describe as a "penis" looks like something that was caught in a meat grinder, but I digress...

After viewing the pictures, I feel a sense of accomplish as I had set out to find pictures and had, but I still felt that I wanted more. Then I think to myself, "I wonder if they ("they" being the Gods of the internet) actually have a surgery that I could watch online?" Don't ask me why I decided to look this up (I was already asked that last night) as I have no good explanation but I do tend to have a morbid sense of curiosity and feel comfortable blaming my actions on that. After a few brief moments of searching through what seemed like several bogus videos that didn't actually show anything interesting I came across this video (WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC! IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, SLIGHT DISCOMFORT AND SQUIRMING WILL ENSUE).

One word: BRUTAL.

After it was all over and I had the feeling that my balls were in my throat. They literally had run into my body and were hiding from the horror that was unfolding on the screen. Something about a pair of scissors and a knife near my jubblies (a word meaning genitals, Thanks Wanda Wisdom!) makes me feel ill at ease. I must admit the end result was impressive but the toll for the road to that ending was way too high a price in my book. Not that I had ever thought of doing that, but any type of surgery "down there" would be traumatic I suppose.

In the end, I could have lived without the image of having seen some guy's hoo-hoo turned into a haa-haa, but it was educational I think (at least I'm trying to tell myself that)...

Opening Ceremony...

Say what you want about the Chinese and their politics but I am certain of one thing, they can put on a fucking awesome show!

That opening ceremony of the Olympics on Friday was the best one I had ever seen. What's even more amazing is the fact that most of the effects were done by hundreds of people working in unison and not machines, like the boxes that created the wave effects or the water droplets that rolled out from a central point. Totally incredible.

The costumes were intricate and attention to detail was not spared. The colors vivid and stunning. Even the hand movements of the dancers were synchronized beautifully. Every last detail thought out and executed perfectly.

It would have been so exciting and awesome to be a part of that audience that night.

Do You Smell That?...

"Adult diapers litter Houston freeway, cause traffic troubles"

This story had so much potential...

From the headline you would think that someone was littering the highway with used Depends Undergarments or Poise Pads. I had visions of some disgruntled "care giver" from some nursing home or hospice that was really pissed off, maybe even one of those hardcore bitches that beat up the old people when they pee the bed, throwing these things out the window everyday on her way home from work; the debris just piling up day after day.

Then people started to notice a swarm of flies brewing just over the shoulder of the road. Was it a dead body possibly?

Maybe someone had been murdered and the body left there on the side of the road to be discovered.

Maybe there was some type of toxic leak from the city sewer system that was pooling there in the ditch causing any lifeforms that had the misfortune to come into contact with it to mutate and become rabid creatures in search of human flesh.

Maybe someone in one of those motorized wheelchairs hit a rock and tipped over onto the shoulder and rolled down the embankment, lying there unconscious. They possibly awoke with amnesia and didn't know where they were and just sat there, wasting away as the hours, days and months past by.

Maybe it was some portal into another dimension that was transporting intelligent life into our world to take us over and enslave the masses. What could be causing all those flies to gather like that?

But, no. It turns out that some idiot driver tipped his truck over making a turn. He was probably going too fast. But the real tragedy of this story is that the diapers weren't even used...

Ahhh, The Grocery Store...

"20 Most Annoying Things at the Grocery Store"

Here's another interesting article from WalletPop. 20 things that piss you the fuck off at the grocery store.

While reading this, I was brought back to the days of my old neighborhood here in Hartford, CT. Actually, since I just moved it would have been within the last month but who's counting...Anyway, all of the irritating habits and situations listed here could be found ALL THE TIME in ANY AISLE! Being that the nearest grocery store was basically near one of the worst parts of town (think about that old man who was run over and left in the street while people walked by), you get to experience some of the worst attitudes and manners outside of NYC and Jersey.

I would have to agree with #5 "express lane abuse". But what kills me even more is when this occurs and the cashier doesn't say shit to the offender. A simple "I'm sorry, this is the express lane", would suffice. But, alas, they usually do nothing. I was in line once in said grocery store and the person brought 2 shopping carts into the express lane. Yes, 2! I was totally ripped as it was and when the cashier just rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and started to scan their items - I lost it. I simply asked the person if they were aware of the 10 items or less sign right in front of them and the response was, "Yo no hablo inglés." After hearing that I figured it was probably not a battle that I was going to win so I ate crow and waited my turn.

One thing that I did not see on the list and seems to be running rampant is "People who don't know how to use the electronic/payment pad". I don't know what world these people have been living in for the past 10 years, but everywhere you go these days payment pads abound. Do you buy liquor? Payment pad. Do you rent movies? Payment pad. Do you buy clothes at Wal-Mart? Payment pad. You have to have used one or two somewhere sometime prior to coming into the grocery store today. Some people even act like they don't even know how to swipe the damn card through the machine. Even though there is a picture and arrow showing you which side to swipe and what direction, it obviously is too much for some people to handle. Then of course the simple act of remembering their PIN number can be a test of wills and patience. God forbid if they need some cash back...

The crying kids are annoying yes, but what's worse is the mother of said kid going all ghetto on the child. Here at previously mentioned grocery store, not only will the parents scream back at their kids but they will also string a nice clustering of obscenities into the tirade. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "shut da fuck up" or "I gon kick yo fucking azz" drifting on the air over the shelves from the next aisle. The parenting seems to be measured in how loud they can yell and scream at the kid. The louder and more offensive, the better. Whatever happened to dignity people?

Another item that wasn't covered are the people who are on the cell phone the whole time they are in the store. From the time they set foot in that door until the time they leave, whether it be shopping for food, roaming the aisles or checking out (which really sucks), they are on that phone come hell or high water. Excuse me? You want me to pay for this shit I brought up here right now? How dare you interrupt my phone conversation. I was telling my baby daddy about that bitch in aisle 3!

Here's a side note observation: I'm not going to say ALL of the people because that would not be accurate but MOST of the people are paying with an EBT card (food stamps) yet they have the most expensive phone, their nails are done exquisitely, they have the good wigs (real human hair probably) or weaves and the name brand clothes. I don't have money for food, but I have money for my nails and hair! Nice to see our taxes are going to good use...

I like the combo offenses as well: the screaming profane mother on the phone who forgot their PIN number. Yep, I'm going to miss that store. Good times, good times...

Driving Woes...

"Latest excuse for driving 80 mph in wrong lane? Texting"

Texting and driving? Can you say stupid idea?

Interesting combination of idiot actions here. It's bad enough to not pay any attention to the road because you are text messaging your girlfriend sweet nothings in her phone (allegedly, maybe he was breaking up with her? Maybe she was a he and he was his boyfriend? Who the hell knows...) then you add on the fact that you are drunk makes it even more ridiculous. Then you add driving down the wrong lane of traffic at 80 miles an hour to the recipe and you have the makin's for a big ol' mess on the road. Most likely your splattered head on the pavement.

I really do think that people are way too distracted on the roads these days. If it is not cell phones, it's your iPod. If it's not your iPod it's your DVD player. If it's not your DVD player it's your navigation device. If it's not that it's you picking your nose and so on...Whatever happened to the fucking radio and getting directions before you left the damn house? Is it too much to ask that you take the 2 minutes you need to look up the directions or make that VERY IMPORTANT phone call or watch that Miley Cyrus movie before you leave the fucking house?

And why do we need a DVD player above the dashboard of a vehicle. Isn't that just inviting the prospect of a severe flaming inferno of a head-on crash to happen? I suppose next we'll have to wear weird glasses or some sort of headgear to watch 3-D movies while we drive. One's that allow us to split our vision in half- one eye on the road and one eye on the yo-yo that goes up and down in the movie (a regular 3-D go to effect). Perhaps then, someone will invent a device that splits our attention as well?

The other day we were driving to go out to eat and I saw this women with a fucking Whopper in one hand, a cigarette in the other and her head cranked to the side holding the cell phone to her ear oh and yes - SHE WAS DRIVING AT THE SAME TIME! The only thought that came to mind was that this is why people get killed on the roads. This is why our insurance rates are astronomical. If she had to make a sudden stop what was she going to do? Throw down the burger, stomp out her cigarette and put the person on hold first? Amazing...

I must admit there is one thing that garners my attention every time I see it and that is someone so wrapped up in fishing that big ass booger out of their nose they lose all sense of reality and forget that they are on the road. I guess the only reason why I am watching is to see if they eat it. And sometimes I'm not disappointed...

Literary Classics #1...

In an effort to bring some culture, refinement and taste into my life, I have decided to read a literary classic every few months...or at least try to anyway. The first book I have chosen is the 1978 classic Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford about her life as a child of Academy Award winning actress and mother Joan Crawford.

Um, what a bitch! I'm only through the first 7 chapters and already she's throwing the beat down on her kids left and right. Some of the juicy tittybits are:

Joan liked to use what's called a "sleep safe" when tucking her kids into bed at night, which basically is a straitjacket with loops to strap the damn kid to the bed, face down no less, during bedtime. They are not allowed to move from the bed for any reason throughout the night. If you had to piss, shit or vomit - too bad. Hold it.

Joan would conduct "night raids" on her children's bedrooms. You were subject to an "inspection" at any hour of the night, usually between the hours of 12am and 2am, of your bedroom and anything else that you may or may not have responsibility for. This usually involved her destroying your shit and making you clean it up. During the raids you were also subject to getting beat upside the head with a can of Bon Ami (like Comet) scouring powder repeatedly. Oh, and by the way, you had to clean that up as well.

Any man that Joan porked, you had to call "Uncle". And you had better make them a drink and entertain them if she wasn't ready to come downstairs, which was all the time. Christina probably could have had her bartending license at age 9. Actually, so could I but I digress...

The staff was scared to death of Joan and would rat each other out in order to stay out of trouble. If there were no issues for a few days, she would punish everyone for not tattling on each other as there was no possible way that someone was not doing something behind her back at all times.

She'd make some of her devoted fans clean her house, LOL! I actually liked this one. I call that ingenuity and she called it cutting costs.

Sounds like a real page turner to me. I hope the rest of the book is as good as the beginning.

Not Tonight Honey, My Head Hurts...

"Man Beheads Girlfriend in Greece, Fled in Patrol Car"

Good grief, how many of these beheadings are going to pop up now? First this one and now another?

Who knew that it was such a popular method in which to murder and violate your victim's body. I would have thought a simple shooting or poisoning with deadly nightshade would suffice. Apparently, that is much too gauche for these individuals. At least each one put their own spin on the deadly affair. The Canadian bus rider thought it would be fun to eat his victim right there in the aisle while the Greek guy beheaded the dog as well and then threw his girlfriends' head in a patrol car and went for a nice Sunday stroll through the city running over motorcyclists to boot.

On a sick note, I found the last line of this FOX News story: "As the police fired at Arvanitis to stop him, a stray bullet hit a woman bystander, injuring her slightly, police said. ", completely hilarious. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This would totally be my luck. Getting struck by a stray bullet that was meant for a psychotic head chopping NASCAR reject.

Thinking about this mode of, shall we say, elimination, I would think it's probably not the best way to handle things. Not to get gross or anything because I am a VERY PROPER type (cough), I think it would be entirely too messy for my taste. In my case, I'd probably want to kill MYSELF halfway through the deed from being sick to my stomach. Disgusting...

Hopefully, this is the last of the head severing we'll hear about, for awhile at least...

As Long As We Are On The Redneck Theme...

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_)

Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: ____________ Father's Name:___________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Momma, Daddy Dun Blow'd Up...

"Conway Man Dies Tampering With Electric Meter"

I guess that was a bad idea...

This story just screams redneck from head to toe:

Exhibit A: The name of the "victim" Lonnie Montgomery. The only way this would have been any better is if his name had "Jr." attached.

Exhibit B: The scene of the crime, Skunk Hollow Road. This name is pure gold! Reminds me of that Sissy Spacek movie "The Coal Miner's Daughter". They lived down in the "holler".

Exhibit C: The use of jumper cables to power your trailer. Well I can't be quite sure that it was a trailer but I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I digress...Who else would have the ingenuity and sheer genius intellect to think that a pair of jumper cables would be sufficient in directing massive electrical current into your home from a meter box? Sure, there are a lot of non-hillbillies out there who would do the same thing BUT would they still be clutching the damn thing till the very end I ask you? No, I didn't think so...

Here are a few redneck jokes that I came across recently:

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma