Sheniqua, Go And Get Me A Popsicle...

"Mom tells cops icy bodies in freezer are her kids"

Damn, remind me not to ask this psycho to babysit my pugs in the near future!

I must admit, this is a great way to deter childhood rebellions. Just tell them the story of the freezer fairy and I'm sure they will end up eating their veggies and cleaning their rooms...

She kind of looks like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Krusty the clown from the Simpsons with that weave on her head.

Just a question: How does one choose the proper shoe for a beating? Do I go with the steel-toed or the hard-heeled? Or can I use both? And when is it appropriate to involve the cord around the neck or is that for the more advanced course?

I can only imagine how the shit got on her shirt. I like the cut of her jibe though, jumping out of the window all Texas Chainsaw Massacre style and running for the hills. Totally disturbing...

Where's The Can Of Oust When You Need It?...

"Man Passes Gas, Charged with Battery on Officer"

These cops have the worst job I tell you. They deserve every penny they make. Well, at least the good ones do. The corrupt cops can go and fuck themselves.

One line in this news story makes the whole thing a classic:

"The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong."

Well, I would think so. The guy was totally drunk. I ask all of you this, "Have you ever smelt a beer keg fart?"

Case closed.

What Are You Doing With That Thing?...

"Horrific High School Football Hazing Case Shakes New Mexico Town"

Oh for crying out loud, this is not that bad of an incident.

The headline makes it seem like the broomsticks were actually stuck up inside of their stinkholes instead of what was probably just poking at the rim with the broom handle. "Horrific" my ass! Sounds like a regular Saturday night at the club.

Now if the coach pulled out his boner and started smacking it on someone's head, THAT would be horrific...(I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about that one actually, but I digress...)...They had their fucking shorts on for Chrisakes! Sounds like another overblown bullshit case of hazing.

Las Vegas, NM is a shit hole anyway. They need some sort of entertainment out there.

Now if it were possible to stick something up your ass while still having your clothes on, gay bars in America would truly be a site to behold. In fact I might venture out to the dance floor more often...

Stinkbomb Takes It Up A Notch...

So...I have been telling you about the disgusting creature I call "Stinkbomb" who is always in Au Bon Pain in the mornings, right? Well today he really outdid himself. He must have been inspired by the Olympics because he went for the gold today, or the "brown" in his case (that's foreshadowing for all you not in the know...).

Well, I walk in and immediately am hit with the stench of body cheese and unwashed hair. I look to my left and surprise surprise, it's that pig Stinkbomb. The smell today was even more ripe than usual and as I headed for the coffee making station 2 women come in and rather loudly say "God, it stinks in here". I politely informed then that they had just walked past the culprit and they both turned and looked in disgust at the disheveled bastard reading the USA Today by the window. The one lady comments that she thought it was food gone bad; I laugh.

I finish making my coffee (6 sugars and light cream), pick up my poppy seed bagel and head to the counter to check out. As my bagel is toasting I notice that SB has this weird look on his face and gets up really quick, grabs his bag and literally runs to the bathroom. As he speeds past me I get the ungodly whiff of the most putrid odor wafting through the air. It is then that I realize that he must have just shit his pants...right there in the cafe...in front of everyone...on the chair...The place smelled like someone just changed 500 dirty diapers on a table in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. The manager was making a sandwich and must have smelt the aroma because he looks up really fast to see the bathroom door swing shut and grimaces. I grab my now toasted bagel and get the fuck out of Dodge.

Thank God tomorrow is our last day in this building...

The Shit Hits The Fan...Literally...

"Space station's sole toilet out of order"

Broken toilet

Well thank you Jesus for the shit fan still working. Can you imagine the sheer funk that would be floating around in there? Nothing like swatting a flying turd out of your way as your trying to watch some TV.

I think this is a conspiracy on the part of the Russians. They intentionally wanted us to fester in our own poopy-time. Makes me wonder how all that imported vodka is made...At least the alcohol will kill any bacteria...I hope...