Magic Fairy or Crackhead? You Decide...

"Stranger Shows Up at Funeral, Hits Dead Man"

Somebody, please hire this woman for my funeral! She sounds like a breath of fresh air on what otherwise would be a totally shitty day...

I like the flourish at the end of the performance: throwing flowers at the family after dancing around the casket and slapping the dead guy with a wand. Very avant garde...I wonder if she does kid's parties?

Happy Birthday KatMist!!!

Sign up on Facebook already, damn...

Happy Halloween! Beware The Full Moon (And Sticky Bedsheets...)

Some crap to read on a scary day courtesy of Tensionnot.com . I have included my responses:

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

So what's the issue? She deserved it. When I was waiting tables at a nice Italian restaurant these girls came in with Taco Bell and started eating at one of my tables. Apparently, it was a stunt for a psychology class as after we asked them to leave they wanted to know what my reaction was so they could right it down. Please see above...
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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

I had a friend who danced the same way. You didn't know if he was dying of a heart attack or "feeling the music". It made us feel sick just to watch...
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Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Ah, irony at it's finest...
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Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

You'd think he would have realized it was a bomb from all the wires sticking out and the ticking noise inside...
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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

This sounds way to coincidental and stupid to be true, so it probably is. Honestly, a house priced at $127K in Hawaii is probably a shit hole so I'm sure they didn't get anything good when it was robbed...
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The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

ROFL! I remember this one. Apparently, the kids who saw it had to get $80,000 worth of rehabilitating as well...
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In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

This reminds me of the old saying "Spitters are quitters!".


HAPPY HALLOWEEN

101 Uses For A Vacuum...

"Swan Creek Township, Michigan, man jailed for activity at car wash"

There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:

1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?

2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?

3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?

Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?

On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...

Silly, Yet Interesting Article...

"Major Search Engines Suggest Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ"

I ran across this article this morning (courtesy of Politics.PopuPlace.com) and found it somewhat amusing. I also found it scary in some ways. I've always found Nostradamus an interesting fellow.

Odd Auctions...

"Odd Online Auctions What would you bid on these items?"

These are actually kind of funny. I can't believe what people would put up for auction on Ebay! Some of the items that I considered are:

"Ball of Paper" - current bid $24.50. I love the tag in the headline "Could it contain the secret of life?". I say possibly... if it was used as a cumrag and now just wadded up. Then again I don't think that you can ship biohazardous material through the mail. Now that I think of this, they need to investigate this so called "Ball of Paper". It could be some type of terroristic Pandora's Box...

"Empty Popcorn Bag" - current bid $1.00. I would be weary of this one. You never know where their hands have been. How am I supposed to lick the inside of the bag without that vital piece of information?

"7 Orginal Antique German Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes" - current bid $38.98. Notice the spelling is wrong in the headline. Now do they mean "original" or is "Orginal" a place in Germany? If so, I would never buy from Orginal, only Berlin glass eyes are acceptable. Maybe Buchanau, only because I know a girl named Heike Gruber from there...

"A Cap From A Pen" - current bid $24.50. What's interesting about this one is that there are actually 2 bids on it. I can totally see this bidding war going nuclear about 5 minutes before the end of the auction.

This gets my wheels turning. I think I have a dust bunny made from cat hair under my bed and of course there's always pug bombs courtesy of Pugsley and Wednesday that I could auction...

Way Too Bizarre...

"Corpse Kept Upright for 3-Day Wake"

This is just way too creepy for my taste.

First off, the guy was really young so why would he already be planning his wake so early in life? He must have been doing something he shouldn't have been and knew that it would eventually catch up with him. I don't know of any 24 year old that is making these kind of requests and bizarre ones at that. And to be found dead under a bridge only brings more questions as to what the activities he was participating in were.

There is just something really disturbing about seeing that body propped up in the corner like that. The closed eyes, the poutty lips, the pancake make-up and the hunch in his back all combined make him look artificial. You would at least think they would dress him in some decent burial attire. He looks like he is on his way to a fucking 50 Cent concert.

Weren't there any health concerns related to a dead body being in that position out in the open like that for three days? You would think that the fluid in the body would migrate to the feet and begin to spill out onto the floor. A very disgusting thought but one that deserves MAJOR consideration. I couldn't imagine having lost my child and then having to clean up the mess that was left on the floor after the wake. Seems to me that there would be serious biological issue to contend with and the safety of the living should have been taken into consideration before the wishes of the dead.

One of the comments left on the article states, "This seems more like a grieving mothers last wish, "Make him look as alive as possible."... by Susique333 " and I would have to agree with them. It seems like the mother couldn't deal with her child dying and this may have been a last ditch effort to immortalize him in some sick way. Her last image of him being there at a gathering standing around with all the other guests. So sick the way the mind works in times of distress...

Not Tonight Honey, My Head Hurts...

"Man Beheads Girlfriend in Greece, Fled in Patrol Car"

Good grief, how many of these beheadings are going to pop up now? First this one and now another?

Who knew that it was such a popular method in which to murder and violate your victim's body. I would have thought a simple shooting or poisoning with deadly nightshade would suffice. Apparently, that is much too gauche for these individuals. At least each one put their own spin on the deadly affair. The Canadian bus rider thought it would be fun to eat his victim right there in the aisle while the Greek guy beheaded the dog as well and then threw his girlfriends' head in a patrol car and went for a nice Sunday stroll through the city running over motorcyclists to boot.

On a sick note, I found the last line of this FOX News story: "As the police fired at Arvanitis to stop him, a stray bullet hit a woman bystander, injuring her slightly, police said. ", completely hilarious. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This would totally be my luck. Getting struck by a stray bullet that was meant for a psychotic head chopping NASCAR reject.

Thinking about this mode of, shall we say, elimination, I would think it's probably not the best way to handle things. Not to get gross or anything because I am a VERY PROPER type (cough), I think it would be entirely too messy for my taste. In my case, I'd probably want to kill MYSELF halfway through the deed from being sick to my stomach. Disgusting...

Hopefully, this is the last of the head severing we'll hear about, for awhile at least...

Future Workman's Comp Claim?...

"Alleged thief stuck under trash bin for 12 hours "

Check out the photo that accompanies this article from Yahoo News. A classic!

It's a redneck day here at Tittybits I suppose, ha ha ha.

I love the quote at the end of this masterpiece, "It was right disgusting," he said. "I wouldn't be under there." I can only agree 100% with that statement. Can you imagine what kind of critters and yuck reside under those damn bins? There has got to be traces of shit, piss and vomit down there and I'm not talking about your favorite hooker's panties either! Makes me totally nauseous, so gross...

So the guy was under there at least 12 hours for about $10.00 worth of copper. That works out to roughly $.83 an hour. And with the severe "working conditions", it hardly seems like the job was worth the effort. Perhaps a career change to, oh, let's say, picking cans and bottles off the sides of the highway or from supermarket dumpsters would be in order. It certainly would be at least a lateral move if not a step up from face down garbage munching.

And what in the hell is that green shit on the bottoms of his shoes? The answer may be something that I really don't want to know but the mystery will surely keep my mind occupied for the next few minutes anyway.

Some more redneck jokes for your pleasure (come on, I know you like these):

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
A: Because it would have been named a teethbrush if someone else had.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Momma, Daddy Dun Blow'd Up...

"Conway Man Dies Tampering With Electric Meter"

I guess that was a bad idea...

This story just screams redneck from head to toe:

Exhibit A: The name of the "victim" Lonnie Montgomery. The only way this would have been any better is if his name had "Jr." attached.

Exhibit B: The scene of the crime, Skunk Hollow Road. This name is pure gold! Reminds me of that Sissy Spacek movie "The Coal Miner's Daughter". They lived down in the "holler".

Exhibit C: The use of jumper cables to power your trailer. Well I can't be quite sure that it was a trailer but I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I digress...Who else would have the ingenuity and sheer genius intellect to think that a pair of jumper cables would be sufficient in directing massive electrical current into your home from a meter box? Sure, there are a lot of non-hillbillies out there who would do the same thing BUT would they still be clutching the damn thing till the very end I ask you? No, I didn't think so...

Here are a few redneck jokes that I came across recently:

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

You Have What?...

So I was looking for things to post about yesterday and came across a phobia site that was somewhat entertaining.

Looking through the list of phobias, I saw some that were totally ridiculous. Such as:

Cacophobia: Fear of ugliness. Well, if you had this phobia you totally wouldn't last here in my building because there are some ugly mothers wandering these halls...

Clinophobia: Fear of going to bed. Sounds like something made up for the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. This must be a hoax as it sounds completely ridiculous...

Liticaphobia: Fear of lawsuits. The actual paperwork or the idea of a lawsuit? Or the fact that money will be flying out of your account into a lawyers?...

Logophobia: Fear of words. 5 3785 5632 905 7538 257 75 32859?...

Plutophobia: Fear of wealth. Obviously something a Jewish person has never been afflicted with (I kid, I kid)...

Rhytiphobia: Fear of getting wrinkles. It's called vanity, hello. This affliction leads to the deadly Botoxaphobia, the fear of your dermatologist going on vacation around your next scheduled injection...

Sounds like people are trying to come up with diseases to account for being just plain crazy...

Ah, The Good Old Days...

"Top 25 Biggest Product Flops of All Time"

This was actually a fun article to look through on WalletPop.

Ah, the good old days when they didn't give a shit what they marketed, as long as it made money. I must admit I did recognize some of these products such as "New Coke", "Crystal Pepsi" , The Edsel and DeLorean automobiles but some of this crap was just plain retarded...

For instance, the pet water that came in Crispy Beef or Tangy Fish flavors. I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to have fish stink dropped all over the floor after my pugs bury their heads into the water bowl. Since they have that "smashed in face" look, they have to practically dip their heads into the water bowl like they are bobbing for apples when they drink. This of course allows them to drip water all over the place afterward. I guess it would also leave their face smelling fishy as well. Gross. Bad idea.

Kellogg's Breakfast mates...I remember seeing this commercial on TV a few times and I always thought that it was fucking gross. As the article indicates, the thought of warm milk was too much for me to handle. Especially milk that was already in the bowl with the cereal. Was it mushy? I had no idea. Anything that was in a liquid and stayed crunchy was not appealing and I cringed at the thought of what it would do to my stomach. Or my asshole for that matter as I would eventually have to evacuate it. Oh Lord, TMI...

Earring Magic Ken. He does look WAY gay but I think it would actually sell these days. It looks a lot like . Besides any self respecting fashionista needs a queen to tell her what not and what to wear...

Touch of Yogurt Shampoo. Sounds totally nasty. It even looks nasty. It seems like they will try anything to see if it sells. Remember Body on Tap Shampoo (thanks to Twitchery on Flickr)? That shampoo with the beer in it? Hey, that actually was good stuff. I remember my mom buying that back in the 70's...

McDonald's Arch Deluxe. I actually liked that sandwich. I always wondered where that went. And what ever happened to the McRib? Hmmm...

So, I wonder what products that are out there today are going to show up on a list like this in about 10-20 years?

Just Plain Gross...

"Largest Animal Shelter in U.S. Will House 2 Dogs Trained to Have Sex With Women"

These poor animals...

This is just heartbreaking and seriously gross. What the fuck is wrong with people out there? It seems like everyday that goes by, the crazier people get. WHO THE HELL would train their dogs to have sex with them? Apparently these people did, but I'm wondering if they are actually right in the head. Dirty...

I feel sorry for the kid that originally found the recorded tapes showing HIS OWN MOTHER fucking the dogs. I'll tell you, if that was me who saw that kind of stuff involving my own mother I would seriously question my own origin. Every thing you knew about your mom would come into question because if she is capable of this, anything would be possible and, quite obviously, not out of the question...

I'm still kind of sick reading about this stuff.

Gee Ricky, I'm Sorry Your Mom Blew Up (Lane Myers - Better Off Dead)...

"Man blows up apartment spraying for bugs"

This truly is tragic...and ridiculously funny!

LOL! Hilarious. If this was me, I would have shit my pants when the explosion happened. He must have sprayed into the pilot light of the stove. I think an explosion can happen when the fridge starts up on the cooling cycle as well. He may have been spraying at that unfortunate time. He even smoked out his neighbors! Hopefully they weren't doing anything naughty when the fire engines arrived...

That's why I always say that you have to keep your apartment clean. Food crumbs and spilt sugary liquids are an open invitation to critters to come in and enjoy the free buffet.

This reminds me of the flaming mouse that burned down that old bag's house in New Mexico! That was definitely a case of instant karma if there ever was one.

Who Ordered The Microwaveable Rat In A Bag Special?...

"Wisconsin Woman Accused of Planting Dead Rat in Own Food"

What a nutcase...

Everyone knows that if your are going to plant a rodent in your food, you sure as hell better use a field mouse and not a white lab right you stupid idiot!

I think that her punishment should be to actually eat the rat, tail and all, exactly as she had planted it in her food. Maybe we could televise it also or simply make a new reality show about extortionist crime or stupid criminals in which the punishments are dealt out before a live studio audience. Probably be better than most of the dreck that's out there now...

I Wonder If It Was A Leather Thong?...

"Man Accused of Walking Down Interstate Wearing Thong, Fake Breasts"

What an ugly women this guy would have presented, in a thong, fake breasts and wig no less.

ROFL! This is actually right down the street from where my friend lives. The guy looks like your average trucker, who in general, are the ones to indulge in such affairs. Sometimes I wonder what possesses these guys to do such things. If you want to do that in the privacy of your own home, have at it. But, please, don't subject my delicate eyes to such a fright...

Insert Midget Joke Here...

"Young Runaway's Alleged Dwarf Pimp To Face Judge"

Sister of Mini-Me on the loose...

LOL! Damn, this little ho had it all worked out! I love the person that gave the interview that said, "I didn't know she was a pimp, but I'm not surprised." You know she was a hardcore rival of that munchkin in the housing project world of prostitution. She probably had a few runaways locked in the closet somewhere herself.

Seriously, how do you let some 3 foot 9 inch chick intimidate you? Even at 15 years old I wouldn't have been afraid to at the very least kick the damn thing and run. And what's with those prices? $100.00 for a blow job? What? Did she have fucking magic lips? I actually can't even think of a situation where I would pay for a blow job let alone give out a Benjamin for one...

After reading this article, I totally envisioned that the mini-pimp resembled Chucky from the child's play movies...

Anyone Got A Wrench I Can Borrow?...

"Surgeons cut 16 washers from penis"

Cock rings

Ha ha! This guy was totally using these as cock rings! The article states that they had to use fire brigade "equipment" to cut the washers off of his hoo-hoo. I wonder if that means they had to use the jaws-of-life which would almost be as bad as getting a bj from someone with braces. So I'm thinking he was partying, having a good time, met some hot stud (come on, it's quite obvious the bloke is gay, a straight guy would have used string, hello) and decided that he was going to impress him with some penile origami and then got all twisted up in the steel washers. Totally plausible scenario in the gay world. What I'm interested in hearing about is: What he was thinking from the time he realized that he needed the paramedics to the time he actually called for them. All kinds of shit was probably racing through his head, LOL! Nice...

Kids Drain Your Lifeforce...

"Teacher Dies Minutes After Retiring From 36-Year Career"

Dead teacher

How much does this suck? You spend all those years having to deal with all those bratty kids (I know, I was a fourth grader) and then you kick it right after you are finally paroled. It kind of reminds me of how smokers usually die off right after they give up the habit. It's like your body doesn't know what to do with itself. She must have been so used to giving the smack down in class that the thought of not being able to do that anymore shocked her. What's going to happen when I give up booze? I perish the thought...

Real World Nature Documentaries...

I was quite surprised to see that spiders exhibit some of the same traits as some of my neighbors here in Hartford...