Sheniqua, Go And Get Me A Popsicle...

"Mom tells cops icy bodies in freezer are her kids"

Damn, remind me not to ask this psycho to babysit my pugs in the near future!

I must admit, this is a great way to deter childhood rebellions. Just tell them the story of the freezer fairy and I'm sure they will end up eating their veggies and cleaning their rooms...

She kind of looks like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Krusty the clown from the Simpsons with that weave on her head.

Just a question: How does one choose the proper shoe for a beating? Do I go with the steel-toed or the hard-heeled? Or can I use both? And when is it appropriate to involve the cord around the neck or is that for the more advanced course?

I can only imagine how the shit got on her shirt. I like the cut of her jibe though, jumping out of the window all Texas Chainsaw Massacre style and running for the hills. Totally disturbing...

Lies! Lies! All Lies!...

"Janet Jackson Hospitalized"

She pulls this stunt every few years. She goes in for plastic surgery and comes out having "lost weight" from the illness. LOL! Brilliant. What's better is that people fall for it every single time...

Hopefully she'll lose that mohawk she performs in concert with as well when she is "released"...

WAH!

"Devout Muslim sues Tesco for making him carry alcohol"

This douchebag needs to get a clue. At this point it doesn't surprise me what these so called "devout" religious donuts will sue for or protest at. And I'm not just talking about Muslims. It's basically all of them: Christians, Catholics, Scientologists, whatever. Unbelievable...

How in the world can you not know what in the hell your grocery employer sells? If you are stocking and moving freight, wouldn't you have the fucking sense to look around and see where you are putting that shit?

"Mr Ahmed, of Derby, who is suing the firm for racial discrimination, victimisation and harassment, should learn the outcome of the case later this week. "

So typical. I suppose the next thing he will sue for is the fact that they made him walk down the same aisle where the bacon was kept. And let's not stop there. How about having to use the same restroom that someone who drank alcohol and maybe ate a ham sandwich used previously, therefore, contaminating him and forcing him to endure undo persecution from pork and hops cooties scarring him for life leaving him unable to perform daily functions in a religiously healthy productive way.

I smell a rat and he is probably looking for a nice payout. He sounds like a lazy ass.

Hang These Bastards...

So, reading today's news articles I have got one thing to say: Any fucking creepy slimeball that fucks kids needs to die. End of story. These bastards are fucking gross, like:

This pig. He thinks consent is puberty and the Bible mandates him to diddle little girls.

This police officer thinks it's okay to barter sex with little girls through their mothers on the internet.

This loser kept a 13 year old girl as a sex slave in his MOTOR HOME and raped her every single day.

This perv used to give free molestations with the tennis lessons he provided.

And the sad thing is the list goes on...

Douchebag!...

"Nebraska Dad Who Abandoned 9 Children Was Out of Work, 'Overwhelmed"

This story is completely mind boggling to me...

I'm sorry, but if you were man enough to pork your old lady every God damned day and spit out tons of kids then you should be man enough to take care of them as well. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I don't particularly like to think that it's generally a good idea to enable other people's bad judgements. The safe haven law in that area needs to totally be reexamined and either amended or completely overhauled.

It's ridiculous that people are "giving away" their teen aged children because they are "overwhelmed". Too bad! Deal with it like every other struggling parent does who can't dump their kids off at the local fire station or hospital. Unbelievable!

Where's The Can Of Oust When You Need It?...

"Man Passes Gas, Charged with Battery on Officer"

These cops have the worst job I tell you. They deserve every penny they make. Well, at least the good ones do. The corrupt cops can go and fuck themselves.

One line in this news story makes the whole thing a classic:

"The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong."

Well, I would think so. The guy was totally drunk. I ask all of you this, "Have you ever smelt a beer keg fart?"

Case closed.

No Shit Sherlock...

"CLAY: I'M GAY AIKEN"

Duh...

What Are You Doing With That Thing?...

"Horrific High School Football Hazing Case Shakes New Mexico Town"

Oh for crying out loud, this is not that bad of an incident.

The headline makes it seem like the broomsticks were actually stuck up inside of their stinkholes instead of what was probably just poking at the rim with the broom handle. "Horrific" my ass! Sounds like a regular Saturday night at the club.

Now if the coach pulled out his boner and started smacking it on someone's head, THAT would be horrific...(I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about that one actually, but I digress...)...They had their fucking shorts on for Chrisakes! Sounds like another overblown bullshit case of hazing.

Las Vegas, NM is a shit hole anyway. They need some sort of entertainment out there.

Now if it were possible to stick something up your ass while still having your clothes on, gay bars in America would truly be a site to behold. In fact I might venture out to the dance floor more often...

Psyched Out...Again...

"Wheelchair on plane bursts into flames
Battery fire causes near disaster on British holiday jet carrying 229 passengers"

I can't tell you how excited I was to read this one. It had all the makin's for a hearty chuckle or two and then...it turns out there was actually no one sitting in the God damned chair! I HATE these teaser headlines sometimes!!!!!

Can You Say Pig?...

"Plan being made to lift 'Bruce' the pig siege: Bruce the pig held woman captive "

Oh the trials and tribulations of having to raise an animal.

I find it fascinating that the people actually thought it was rude of the pig to be a total pig when it came to food. What the hell did you think it was going to do? Ask politely for more food and sit at the dinner table with a fork and knife? It's a PIG for crying out loud! Their jobs are to be PIGS. Nothing more and nothing less. Bruce was probably pissed that the bitch was a vegetarian and was in need of some chicken or something meaty, poor thing.

It's hilarious that he so dramatically "held her captive", HA HA HA! I was imagining some pig in camouflage with a bandanna and a machine gun holding up a little old lady for some grub. Some stealth pig hiding behind the outhouse door waiting for granny to drop the kids at the pool, or cesspool in this case. Too funny.

Actually, this pig reminds me of my pug Pugsley. He can get quite demanding when it comes to food and treats. The poor thing is 38 pounds and the average pug weighs in betwixt 20 and 25lbs. I got my ass reamed by the vet last week about it, but he seems like he is in good spirits and is sprightly and determined so I will let it be for now. When the little bastard starts to bite me and knock on my door at 4am, it's totally Jenny Craig time for his ass...

Girlfriend Needs To Get A Grip...

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Gas Prices Hitting Everyone Hard...

"Coke Dealer's Gas Surcharge; Cops: Indiana man passed along rising fuel costs to drug customers"

Who knew everyone was feeling the crunch of the gas prices. I admire this kid's moxie though.

Actually, the surcharge seems a little "high" to me. $25.00 to deliver some snow? Where the hell was he driving to? Alaska? The good thing is that the price he was selling a quarter for was seriously a good bargain, from what I've been told of course... Must have been cut with rat poison or baby formula.

I wasn't aware that the Starbucks parking lot was such a hotbed of illegal activity. I mean I've seen creepy guys inside of the place looking at questionable pictures on their laptops but I didn't know that you could procure some pick me up right outside the door as well. Seems the suspect changed locations from Starbucks to Bass Pro some time thereafter. Interesting choice. I assume it's a bait shop or some outdoorsy type of store. Maybe he needed some of that catfish stink bait for the crack whores on the next stop...

She Had It Coming...Probably...

"Grandmother rescues woman who was stabbed 20 times by stranger in supermarket attack"

I can totally relate to this story. Sometimes as I am shopping in the grocery store (well lets face it, shopping anywhere or just being out in public for that matter), I wouldn't mind beating the shit out of some stupid idiot with a pork loin or can of peas.

Unless this guy is a total psycho, which is not totally out of the question (it is England you know), she probably did something to piss him off such as taking the last package of Scott toilet tissue or monopolizing the frozen breakfast food section in the cooler...standing there wondering what to buy with the door open...fogging up the damn windows for the next person who in turn won't be able to make out what exactly is in the cooler because they can't see through the glass door...

On a similar note, I was cut off 3 fucking times in the cafeteria this morning while getting my usual grub for the start of another dull work day:

As I was reaching for a cup for my coffee, this inconsiderate bitch cuts right in front of me and takes the cup that I was reaching for. Literally bumping me out of the way.

As I was walking towards the jam for my bagel another inconsiderate bitch side-steps in front of me as she continues to talk to her friend blocking the condiment area and as I said "Excuse me", she looks at me and reaches for the jam that I am trying to get to. Then the bitch sticks that same jam spreader in the butter bin and spreads it all over the fucking place and then puts it back into the jam. Now, There is globs of butter floating in the grape jelly, yuck.

Then as I am about to check out another inconsiderate bitch runs in front of me to check out first and proceeds to hold up the line because she can't remember what the hell she ordered. So they have to go through her plate and calculate everything. Honestly, I think she was trying to get away with free shit but I am glad the cashier wasn't buying her sudden amnesia. Anyway, she also takes her time "finding" her money to pay for her breakfast causing me to waste more time.

So, in reading this article, I can seriously relate to wanting to bludgeon someone in a public place.

A True Stink Bomb...

"Middle School Girl's Perfume Sends 11 Students, Bus Driver to Hospital "

This is totally retarded, yet quite befitting a mid-schooler.

It must have been J-Lo's "Glow"...either that or Paris Hilton's "Just Me"...

Being that the vapors were so toxic, the government should look into this fragrance as a chemical weapon. Imagine the possibilities.

"If you're out for a night on the town or dirty bombing a Afghan village, GLOW from J-Lo"...

The Shit Hits The Fan...

So...It seems that not only is there a thief running around our building stealing shit from others (yesterday someone's lunch was stolen out of the God damn microwave if you can believe that. Add it to the list: My ring, bottles of orange juice, items off of a person's desk) now there is a renegade toilet non-flusher/vandal.

I go into the men's room to relieve myself and just happen to walk into a stall that someone obviously had been in recently - as there was a huge turd circling the calm waters of the porcelain God. But wait! It gets better...This was no ordinary log, no, this one had (cue mystery sound effects: "dun dun dun!")...hair growing out of it! Yes, that's right, it was a fucking hairy ass brown loaf, right there in the toilet! I was so grossed out I came right back to my desk and grabbed my phone so I could take a picture of this raunchy site. I am debating whether to add this photo to the post as it would certainly ruin my reputation of high brow material but then again...

This left me thinking, how does one get their shit to grow hair, literally? Several theories abound here in the office (you think I would keep this discovery to myself? Please...). Maybe they like to eat their own hair? Maybe it's an underdeveloped twin that was living inside their colon and was expelled. Maybe it's some type of voodoo ritual? Whatever the case, it's large and mean looking. I just think that judging by the size of the damn thing the owner didn't have the heart to flush it. I'm sure they were in labor for quite a spell and then realized that the act of flushing this being, especially since it had hair, would be too much to bear so they unleashed it upon the next unsuspecting sap who walked in. Unfortunately that had to be me...

Beware The Wind And Don't Go Swimming!

"'Bangkok' Wins Box Office Without a Bang"

Ummm, what the hell???

Can anyone please tell me what the hell is happening on top of this man's head lately? It seems that every movie he has made in the past few years has him wearing a horrible wig or has his hair dyed this unnatural shade of black/blonde/blue/red/green (take your pick).

I have said this a thousand times and I will say it again: MEN, if your fucking hair is falling out or thinning - JUST SHAVE YOUR HEAD OR GO BALD. KEEP IT SHORT!

If you wear a toupee/wig/rug, whatever, you are going to be noticed, immediately. I can tell a rug from a mile away - AND I WILL STARE AT IT. I can't help it. It looks fucking ridiculous!

If you get hair plugs, I can also tell. They look even worse! Just accept your fate and at the very least, shave your head if it is that disturbing to you. Stop this madness people!

Tom Is Going To Be Pissed...

"Scientologists charged with fraud in France"

Is this a surprise to anyone with half a brain?

For starters, if your being recruited for a "church" outside of a train station, or any other station for that matter (bus, train, gas, TV, hot dog...) then the zealots that are hounding you are probably crazy and full of shit. If said zealots are trying to sell you something then add shady to that list. God, or any other deity, doesn't want your money - he/she wants your soul. It's that simple.

These Scientologists are a scary species no doubt. It seems that they prey on the weak minded and after they have conquered your mind they go for your wallet. Any industry that makes you pay in order to "move up through the ranks" is either a scam (remember Amway?) or a higher learning institution. The only other place I have been financially raped and sodomized is college and the hell if I'm going to let a space alien do that to me as well!

What exactly is this religion about anyway. As far as I understand, you have to pay a certain amount of money to reach different plateaus of enlightenment within the organization and then you have to aggressively recruit other members in conjunction with the money you are shelling out so they can "donate" as well. The more money these people bring in under you, the higher you go. Sounds like a fucking pyramid scheme to me.

I watched the videos Toad Cruise made to entice other people to join and he seemed to be somewhat, okay who am I kidding, A LOT deluded and really creepy weird. Anyone who is prone to sudden fits of maniacal laughter followed by a dead stare into your eyes is not well. I'm just saying...Anyway I digress...The mere act of viewing these videos turned me off to the program. Besides the test to get in was way too long, so I gave up around question 25...

Creepy Old Guys...

I would like to know why there are always old creepy guys haunting the locker rooms at gyms?

I go to a certain gym which will remain nameless (rhymes with Bally's) and there are always these crusty old men walking around naked in the locker room. They are usually wet and have no towel in plain site. They almost remind me of those soggy rats you see on made for television horror movies running around city sewer systems after some apocalyptic catastrophe.

Sometimes they are "drying" themselves off with the wall unit air dryers made for your hands. I saw a very wrinkly fellow a few days ago pulling his ass cheeks apart and placing said ass in the airflow of the dryer. Not a pretty sight by any means. He turns around and is combing out his white pubic hair with his fingers in the airflow as well. Wouldn't it be more sanitary to use a towel. Sanitary for me? Like I want to go and use that dryer after this old guy put his fingers in his ass crack and through his pubes all the while adjusting the nozzle on the dryer and pushing the big chrome button to turn it on. I don't want my hand touching that thing after all that.

I always feel like I should say something but don't want to cause a scene. The funny thing is you never see these guys working out. They are just there in the locker room...naked...

Really?...

So...I was walking into work yesterday and saw this pregnant chick outside smoking while rubbing her enormous belly. Really?

Obviously she has not read the God damn Surgeon General's warning on the pack which is PLAIN AS DAY. I almost expected her to have one tooth in her head and pull out a flask of her poison of choice right there in the smoker's paradise (the little enclosed area where you are allowed to smoke on site).

What was ridiculous is there were about 5 other people out there smoking as well and they were totally ignoring the fact that there was a preggo idiot huffing on a menthol. Literally the pink elephant in the room...

A Dedication...

I dedicate this to the douchebag that stole my ring at work.

I hope you die a painful and slow death...

...Maybe falling into an industrial size meat grinder and having my ring get caught in the grinding mechanism making it lurch and go all the more slower than it already does.
...Or maybe my ring will get caught in the washing machine while it's still on your finger during the spin cycle and rip your arm off in the ensuing melee of spin action.
...Or maybe you choke on it accidentally as you shove that ham sandwich into your piehole and it falls off as you inhale the food.
...Or maybe you get the shit beat out of you by the person robbing you for that same ring when they see how nice it looks.
...Or maybe you overdose on the crack you bought from selling my ring at the local pawn shop.

Whatever happens, you deserve it.