Some crap to read on a scary day courtesy of Tensionnot.com . I have included my responses:
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
So what's the issue? She deserved it. When I was waiting tables at a nice Italian restaurant these girls came in with Taco Bell and started eating at one of my tables. Apparently, it was a stunt for a psychology class as after we asked them to leave they wanted to know what my reaction was so they could right it down. Please see above...
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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
I had a friend who danced the same way. You didn't know if he was dying of a heart attack or "feeling the music". It made us feel sick just to watch...
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Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Ah, irony at it's finest...
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Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
You'd think he would have realized it was a bomb from all the wires sticking out and the ticking noise inside...
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Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the home owner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
This sounds way to coincidental and stupid to be true, so it probably is. Honestly, a house priced at $127K in Hawaii is probably a shit hole so I'm sure they didn't get anything good when it was robbed...
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The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
ROFL! I remember this one. Apparently, the kids who saw it had to get $80,000 worth of rehabilitating as well...
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In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
This reminds me of the old saying "Spitters are quitters!".
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Origins Of Mr. Jack Schitt...
I came across this recently and had to share his story. I believe it's been around awhile but it is still a good piece of history that everyone should be aware of:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Monday, October 20, 2008
101 Uses For A Vacuum...
"Swan Creek Township, Michigan, man jailed for activity at car wash"
There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:
1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?
2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?
3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?
Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?
On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...
There are a couple troubling tidbits that were left out of this story:
1) Had the vacuum reached age of consent before providing sexual favors to the 29 year old horndog?
2) Will the 911 call be released to the public in which a concerned caller rats out the perpetrator. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy going on here. Could this possibly be a love triangle gone bad?
3) Was the police officer wearing Green Bay Cheesehead slippers so as to not be heard whilst stalking the alleged criminal?
Actually, I think the most disturbing thing about this is that someone actually got up at 6 am and went to go and vacuum their car. WTF?
On the plus side, he did actually save some money. You'd think a professional would have charged him around $30.00 for the knob job and the vacuum was only about $1.50. This tough economy is hitting us all where it hurts...
Monday, October 13, 2008
Does This Herpes Sore Make Me Look Fat?...
"Prostitution has not suffered drop-off despite economic meltdown"
Hmmm...Who would have known that donut punching with a professional was not hit by the economic crunch? Seems to me that I am slaving away in the wrong field according to this article.
The picture says it all. If you look at the knees of the depicted women, you will notice scuff marks and scars, a sure sign that they are, as stated, "still busy" during these hard...hard...hard economic times.
I like the one girl's bit of wiz-dumb imparted upon the reader:
"If men are horny, they're going to come in here." - Um...no shit. I would never have thought that.
"Sadie admits her business has suffered a bit in the fiscal crisis. Some clients are cutting back on their spending, and some aren't returning, she said." - Another reason for this could be that you aren't that good in bed...even with the discounted rate. Some pervs do have standards you know.
"With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college." - I think she meant, "How is he going to finish college?" Here's a thought: Have him get a fucking job and get the mattress detached from your back.
My mom loves me but I can guarantee that she wouldn't have gone out and gave head for my chemistry 101 textbook and the required lab goggles. Sounds to me like she is using her son as an excuse or she is truly so stupid that she hasn't ever heard of federal student loans.
Hmmm...Who would have known that donut punching with a professional was not hit by the economic crunch? Seems to me that I am slaving away in the wrong field according to this article.
The picture says it all. If you look at the knees of the depicted women, you will notice scuff marks and scars, a sure sign that they are, as stated, "still busy" during these hard...hard...hard economic times.
I like the one girl's bit of wiz-dumb imparted upon the reader:
"If men are horny, they're going to come in here." - Um...no shit. I would never have thought that.
"Sadie admits her business has suffered a bit in the fiscal crisis. Some clients are cutting back on their spending, and some aren't returning, she said." - Another reason for this could be that you aren't that good in bed...even with the discounted rate. Some pervs do have standards you know.
"With the economy the way it is, how is my son going to get a loan? And he's going to finish college." - I think she meant, "How is he going to finish college?" Here's a thought: Have him get a fucking job and get the mattress detached from your back.
My mom loves me but I can guarantee that she wouldn't have gone out and gave head for my chemistry 101 textbook and the required lab goggles. Sounds to me like she is using her son as an excuse or she is truly so stupid that she hasn't ever heard of federal student loans.
Sounds Like A Move In A Square Dance..."Swing Your Chicken 'Round And 'Round"
"Rabbi Alleges Threat Over Chicken Ritual"
I am still laughing my ass off as I type this post. The following article (from the http://www.washintgtonpost.com/ website) is seriously one of the best tidbits that I have read in a very long time. Not because of the writing, but of the imagery it produces:
"YOM KIPPUR
Rabbi Alleges Threat Over Chicken Ritual
New York City police are investigating a rabbi's complaint that threatening e-mails were sent in connection with the slaughter of chickens to atone for sins before Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
Rabbi Shea Hecht of the National Committee for Furtherance of Jewish Education says the e-mails were sent by supporters of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals campaign opposing the ritual, known as kapparot. He says some people added threatening and anti-Semitic comments to an online PETA form letter.
The Brooklyn-based Jewish organization slaughters about 4,000 chickens.
A PETA spokesman says the ritual is abusive and unnecessary."
If you look at the definition of "kapparot" you will see that it's basically someone swinging a chicken around in the air and chanting. The poor thing is probably freaking out shitting all over the place. LOL! This combined with the imagery of some PETA zealot sitting at a computer typing death threats cracks me the fuck up. The ritual sounds kinda ridiculous to me but what is even more ridiculous is the PETA person getting all crazazy in the hazazy. I wonder if they eat the chicken after getting it all dizzied up? Someone will have to let me know about that one.
I am still laughing my ass off as I type this post. The following article (from the http://www.washintgtonpost.com/ website) is seriously one of the best tidbits that I have read in a very long time. Not because of the writing, but of the imagery it produces:
"YOM KIPPUR
Rabbi Alleges Threat Over Chicken Ritual
New York City police are investigating a rabbi's complaint that threatening e-mails were sent in connection with the slaughter of chickens to atone for sins before Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
Rabbi Shea Hecht of the National Committee for Furtherance of Jewish Education says the e-mails were sent by supporters of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals campaign opposing the ritual, known as kapparot. He says some people added threatening and anti-Semitic comments to an online PETA form letter.
The Brooklyn-based Jewish organization slaughters about 4,000 chickens.
A PETA spokesman says the ritual is abusive and unnecessary."
If you look at the definition of "kapparot" you will see that it's basically someone swinging a chicken around in the air and chanting. The poor thing is probably freaking out shitting all over the place. LOL! This combined with the imagery of some PETA zealot sitting at a computer typing death threats cracks me the fuck up. The ritual sounds kinda ridiculous to me but what is even more ridiculous is the PETA person getting all crazazy in the hazazy. I wonder if they eat the chicken after getting it all dizzied up? Someone will have to let me know about that one.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Great Balls Of Fire!...
"Florida Woman Arrested for Burning Husband's Groin, Police Say"
HA ha ha! The mugshot that accompanies this story is classic. She looks like she just won the lottery or a free Egg McMuffin in that McDonald's Monopoly Game that's going on right now!
If you ask me, that's pretty cold to be burning up your husbands junk and to do it while he was sleeping is even more icy. Then again, maybe she was just done with the abuse the one eyed willie gave her over the years OR MAYBE she was mad because it hadn't been violating her lately. Let this be a lesson to all you men out there; you better give it up to your wife before she boils your lobster!
HA ha ha! The mugshot that accompanies this story is classic. She looks like she just won the lottery or a free Egg McMuffin in that McDonald's Monopoly Game that's going on right now!
If you ask me, that's pretty cold to be burning up your husbands junk and to do it while he was sleeping is even more icy. Then again, maybe she was just done with the abuse the one eyed willie gave her over the years OR MAYBE she was mad because it hadn't been violating her lately. Let this be a lesson to all you men out there; you better give it up to your wife before she boils your lobster!
My Have Times Changed...
"California Girl, 8, Found Hanged From Bunk Bed "
The only thing I find disturbing about this article is the fact that the girl had a cell phone and a computer and a door that she was able to lock.
HELLO! Where is the parental guidance here? I know that she lived with her grandmother but that shouldn't cloud the fact that she was totally WAY TOO young to be in possession of these devices. Who the hell was she text messaging anyway? I assume her internet use was not monitored either. This is really sad.
When I was eight we were playing Star Wars in the back yard with sticks as light sabers and old pillow cases as capes. We were not thinking of suicide...
The only thing I find disturbing about this article is the fact that the girl had a cell phone and a computer and a door that she was able to lock.
HELLO! Where is the parental guidance here? I know that she lived with her grandmother but that shouldn't cloud the fact that she was totally WAY TOO young to be in possession of these devices. Who the hell was she text messaging anyway? I assume her internet use was not monitored either. This is really sad.
When I was eight we were playing Star Wars in the back yard with sticks as light sabers and old pillow cases as capes. We were not thinking of suicide...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Silly, Yet Interesting Article...
"Major Search Engines Suggest Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ"
I ran across this article this morning (courtesy of Politics.PopuPlace.com) and found it somewhat amusing. I also found it scary in some ways. I've always found Nostradamus an interesting fellow.
I ran across this article this morning (courtesy of Politics.PopuPlace.com) and found it somewhat amusing. I also found it scary in some ways. I've always found Nostradamus an interesting fellow.
Shady...
"Ohio Homeless Driven to Polls to Vote Obama"
I suspected something like this (here also) was going on during the primaries, as I found it highly coincidental that Obama won every single caucus. Shady...
Some more shade:
Ex-generals cry foul over pro-Obama video
CHICAGO: Prosecutors seek to delay sentencing for Chicago money man, suggesting felon linked to Barack Obama has secrets to share.
Jerome Corsi, anti-Obama author, detained in Kenya
I suspected something like this (here also) was going on during the primaries, as I found it highly coincidental that Obama won every single caucus. Shady...
Some more shade:
Ex-generals cry foul over pro-Obama video
CHICAGO: Prosecutors seek to delay sentencing for Chicago money man, suggesting felon linked to Barack Obama has secrets to share.
Jerome Corsi, anti-Obama author, detained in Kenya
Monday, October 6, 2008
My First Time...
So...I think that I saw my first prolapsed ass the other night at the gym. I have previously spoken of the Creepy Old Guys at the gym who mysteriously appear in the locker room walking around naked.
They really have no business there as they aren't using the cardio equipment, weight lifting equipment, pool or sauna. They are JUST THERE. Anyway, I digress...Well the other night, one of these blue hairs was walking in this strange sort of awkward shuffle. He wasn't lifting his feet off the floor, just scooting them forward as he "walked", or hobbled if you will. Anyway, he was naked, of course, and as he rounded the corner ever so slowly I happened to look at his ass and saw what looked like his butthole hanging down below his ass cheeks. It was, in the utmost sincerity, one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a long while.
I am still scarred mentally I fear and now am really turned off to the fact that every time I enter that den of horror (the locker room) these crusty looking creatures are going to be there lurking. What's worse is that they sit on the benches in that locker room naked, and if they have these appendages, which almost look like the creatures from Aliens, birthing out of their rectums...Yuck, I can't even finish that sentence but you know what I'm getting at.
I am seriously wondering what can be done about these weirdos in the locker room...It's so gross.
They really have no business there as they aren't using the cardio equipment, weight lifting equipment, pool or sauna. They are JUST THERE. Anyway, I digress...Well the other night, one of these blue hairs was walking in this strange sort of awkward shuffle. He wasn't lifting his feet off the floor, just scooting them forward as he "walked", or hobbled if you will. Anyway, he was naked, of course, and as he rounded the corner ever so slowly I happened to look at his ass and saw what looked like his butthole hanging down below his ass cheeks. It was, in the utmost sincerity, one of the most disgusting things I have seen in a long while.
I am still scarred mentally I fear and now am really turned off to the fact that every time I enter that den of horror (the locker room) these crusty looking creatures are going to be there lurking. What's worse is that they sit on the benches in that locker room naked, and if they have these appendages, which almost look like the creatures from Aliens, birthing out of their rectums...Yuck, I can't even finish that sentence but you know what I'm getting at.
I am seriously wondering what can be done about these weirdos in the locker room...It's so gross.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Odd Auctions...
"Odd Online Auctions What would you bid on these items?"
These are actually kind of funny. I can't believe what people would put up for auction on Ebay! Some of the items that I considered are:
"Ball of Paper" - current bid $24.50. I love the tag in the headline "Could it contain the secret of life?". I say possibly... if it was used as a cumrag and now just wadded up. Then again I don't think that you can ship biohazardous material through the mail. Now that I think of this, they need to investigate this so called "Ball of Paper". It could be some type of terroristic Pandora's Box...
"Empty Popcorn Bag" - current bid $1.00. I would be weary of this one. You never know where their hands have been. How am I supposed to lick the inside of the bag without that vital piece of information?
"7 Orginal Antique German Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes" - current bid $38.98. Notice the spelling is wrong in the headline. Now do they mean "original" or is "Orginal" a place in Germany? If so, I would never buy from Orginal, only Berlin glass eyes are acceptable. Maybe Buchanau, only because I know a girl named Heike Gruber from there...
"A Cap From A Pen" - current bid $24.50. What's interesting about this one is that there are actually 2 bids on it. I can totally see this bidding war going nuclear about 5 minutes before the end of the auction.
This gets my wheels turning. I think I have a dust bunny made from cat hair under my bed and of course there's always pug bombs courtesy of Pugsley and Wednesday that I could auction...
These are actually kind of funny. I can't believe what people would put up for auction on Ebay! Some of the items that I considered are:
"Ball of Paper" - current bid $24.50. I love the tag in the headline "Could it contain the secret of life?". I say possibly... if it was used as a cumrag and now just wadded up. Then again I don't think that you can ship biohazardous material through the mail. Now that I think of this, they need to investigate this so called "Ball of Paper". It could be some type of terroristic Pandora's Box...
"Empty Popcorn Bag" - current bid $1.00. I would be weary of this one. You never know where their hands have been. How am I supposed to lick the inside of the bag without that vital piece of information?
"7 Orginal Antique German Human Prosthetic Glass Eyes" - current bid $38.98. Notice the spelling is wrong in the headline. Now do they mean "original" or is "Orginal" a place in Germany? If so, I would never buy from Orginal, only Berlin glass eyes are acceptable. Maybe Buchanau, only because I know a girl named Heike Gruber from there...
"A Cap From A Pen" - current bid $24.50. What's interesting about this one is that there are actually 2 bids on it. I can totally see this bidding war going nuclear about 5 minutes before the end of the auction.
This gets my wheels turning. I think I have a dust bunny made from cat hair under my bed and of course there's always pug bombs courtesy of Pugsley and Wednesday that I could auction...
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Update: 'Scuse Me Mz While I Knock You Da Fuk Out!...
YES! I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT! The raw footage of the beatdown has just hit the net. And it was all just as I had predicted here:
Big Mac attack: Girl gets owned!
Notice how her weave flies all over the place after the fists flew. Classic...
Big Mac attack: Girl gets owned!
Notice how her weave flies all over the place after the fists flew. Classic...
I'll Have The Scrambled Eggs And A Side of Moonshine...
"Tenn. bus driver accused of DUI with kids aboard"
Oh Christ on a cross! When are these hillbillies going to learn that you drop the kids off before you hit the bottle and not vice versa?
I like how she calmly just strolls out into the center of the street and takes a nap. She couldn't have been that fucked up as she managed to at least pick up all her stops. I can totally see her doing the drunk navigational trick of driving with one eye closed to avoid the old double vision fairy.
Now what I really want to know is if she had curlers still in her hair and if she actually took her dentures out before she passed out; you know anyone in Tennessee over the age of 15 doesn't have all their teeth, well their own teeth anyway...
Oh Christ on a cross! When are these hillbillies going to learn that you drop the kids off before you hit the bottle and not vice versa?
I like how she calmly just strolls out into the center of the street and takes a nap. She couldn't have been that fucked up as she managed to at least pick up all her stops. I can totally see her doing the drunk navigational trick of driving with one eye closed to avoid the old double vision fairy.
Now what I really want to know is if she had curlers still in her hair and if she actually took her dentures out before she passed out; you know anyone in Tennessee over the age of 15 doesn't have all their teeth, well their own teeth anyway...
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
'Scuse Me Mz While I Knock You Da Fuk Out!...
"Man Beats Teen Girl Over Who Was First at McDonald's"
See what happens when you shoot off your mouth at Mikey D's!
How many times have you been in line, anywhere (BK, Mickey D's, Disneyland, etc...), and you just wanted to beat the living shinola out of someone in line as well? Kudos to this guy!
I'm guessing that the girl was one of those Bratz doll type little ho's with a sense of entitlement bigger than Clay Aiken at a bathhouse and this guy, most likely a thug because, honestly, who else would be that bold and ig'nant to walk up to the front of the line and start placing their Big Mac order? Anyway, I digress...He probably came up and she started with the chicken head bobbing "No he di'ent" routine and he clocked her. Too bad the Ronald McDonald cam video wasn't released. I think it would make for some great popcorn fare...
See what happens when you shoot off your mouth at Mikey D's!
How many times have you been in line, anywhere (BK, Mickey D's, Disneyland, etc...), and you just wanted to beat the living shinola out of someone in line as well? Kudos to this guy!
I'm guessing that the girl was one of those Bratz doll type little ho's with a sense of entitlement bigger than Clay Aiken at a bathhouse and this guy, most likely a thug because, honestly, who else would be that bold and ig'nant to walk up to the front of the line and start placing their Big Mac order? Anyway, I digress...He probably came up and she started with the chicken head bobbing "No he di'ent" routine and he clocked her. Too bad the Ronald McDonald cam video wasn't released. I think it would make for some great popcorn fare...
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