I Wonder If It Was A Leather Thong?...

"Man Accused of Walking Down Interstate Wearing Thong, Fake Breasts"

What an ugly women this guy would have presented, in a thong, fake breasts and wig no less.

ROFL! This is actually right down the street from where my friend lives. The guy looks like your average trucker, who in general, are the ones to indulge in such affairs. Sometimes I wonder what possesses these guys to do such things. If you want to do that in the privacy of your own home, have at it. But, please, don't subject my delicate eyes to such a fright...

They Even Misspelled His Name...

"City Vehicles Painted with Anti-Obama Sayings "

Some people are so ghetto...and stupid for that matter...

Ahh, Florida. One of my favorite places. The weather is awesome and the beaches are great. The only bad thing is that there are serious rednecks there. As much as I can't stand Obama and feel he is another mistake this country will make, I do feel that damaging someone else's property with graffiti is fucked up.

Even though I seriously DO NOT condone violence of this magnitude, I do believe that someone is going to off this guy if he wins the White House. He better have Hillary as a VP, because honestly, I wouldn't want to get stuck with a no-name all of a sudden running the country. It's bad enough he might be in there.

Gas Pains...

"Oil rises as gas prices hit all-time high: The national average price for a gallon of gas rises to $4.086, with 33 states paying more than $4 a gallon. "

Before you know it they will have loan applications at the gas pumps .

I don't know where you live but here in Connecticut, the gas prices are fucking outrageous! I had to fill my tank up yesterday because it was empty, duh, and I nearly shit my pants when I saw the price meter keep going up and up and up... I ended up putting in over $70.00 fucking dollars. I was so pissed. When in the hell is this going to stop? There is no good reason why these assholes keep gouging the public. Then you have the God damn Republicans who don't want to do anything about it. Makes me totally sick.

I have now decided that I am going to buy a scooter and have been looking through the Internet feverishly. I actually saw one that was modestly priced and a Honda for that matter...

Tennis Bitches...

"Tennis Champ Justin Gimelstob Says He Wants to Make Anna Kournikova Cry"

It wasn't that bad, come on...

I laughed so hard when I read this. I think that the press is making this into a dramatic affair rather than what it was, a joke. If you knew who Gimelstob was before the diatribe heard 'round the world, then you would realize that he was probably making fun of her in a light-hearted manner. Besides, she is a bitch and never really amounted to anything on the tennis court. She never won a title and actually, I don't think she was really into the whole work ethic thing. She partied way more than she played.

The media has now replaced her with that ugly snatch Maria Sharpova and this is one person I don't get. She doesn't look particularly stunning and in fact she looks quite average, but they play her up as this Playboy centerfold. She has zero personality and most of the women on tour can't stand her because of her attitude and diva demands.

I read that a concierge at the Plaza in NYC was fired for addressing her personally when carrying her bags. Apparently, we mere mortals are not to address her or look at her unless specifically asked to by her majesty. I also watched a match between her and Tatiana Golovin on ESPN one night and she was getting her ass kicked until Golovin rolled her ankle. Scare-a-pova then acted like a douchebag and didn't even have the courtesy to go to the net and ask if she was okay. I think she actually asked for a time delay violation be given for the injury at one point. The announcers were really taken aback and Mary Carillo (one of the most famous female sportscasters, and former tennis pro herself) called Sharapova "cold". She eventually turned her back to the girl as she lay there crying. I totally thought she was a piece of crap after I saw that.

I also read an interview during this years Franch open with Mary Pierce and they asked her who was the one women she disliked on tour and she said right off the bat, "Sharapova". LOL...

God Works in Mysterious Ways...

"Bus Taking Students to Church Camp Crashes in Ala., Injuring 25"

I guess they weren't praying hard enough...

No Sex With Kids...

"Romania Allows 11-Year-Old Alleged Rape Victim to Have Late Abortion"

Some people are seriously deranged. What motivates someone to rape a child?...

This is truly a sad situation. First of all, anyone that gets off on getting off with kids is a fucking gross pig. I don't see how anyone can find sex with a child erotic in ANY way. It's so taboo that even the thought of it makes me squirm.

So, this got me thinking, marrying off your children back in the "old days" was completely acceptable. You had children as young as 12 getting hitched and sent to live with their new found spouse by themselves. When did society start to turn on this one and decide that it was not okay to pimp out your child to the highest bidder? When did we all of a sudden get a conscience and say, "Hey, this is not acceptable."?

I would agree with the parents and the child, for that matter, in this case, in that , I think she would be terribly traumatized with 1) having to go through the birthing process at such a young age 2) the stigma of having had a child in her community and school and 3) having to look at that child everyday and know that he/she was a product of a dirty little secret that she once had to hold inside of herself, literally.

Then you have these anti-abortion zealots who are supposedly thinking of the unborn child but in all actuality, they are thinking of themselves and passing judgement and their own moral compass onto others. You get this with groups condemning homosexuality all the time as well.

I actually got into an argument in college with some anti-abortion protesters once in the Student Union building. They were showing pictures of abortions right there in the Union and they were very graphic and all I could think of was how perverted the whole staging of the protest was. They came off as bullying people into conforming with their religious beliefs and it was pretty scary. So I asked the guy who was handing out the fliers if he knew exactly why that particular child was aborted and he actually responded that he didn't care, it was just wrong to kill a baby. I was dumbfounded. I then asked if he was going to support that child when it came out and he said that wasn't his decision to make and that the parents of the child needed to take responsibility for their actions. So I asked him "What if she was raped?" and I can't really remember anything more of what was said because he started in on me about Jesus and religion and the "Bible says this", etc. It's funny how these religious groups always start in with "the Bible says" crap. I wonder what society would be like if we all lived the literal translations of The Good Book.

Come to think of it, I always wondered why they allowed that to take place in the Union actually...

Another Liar Sniffed Out...

"Columbia Noose Professor Likely to Be Fired for Plagiarism"

Her next teaching assignment should be Scamming 101...

What a bleeding con artist! Now, when this chick first came to my attention, I was sitting at the computer eating Lucky Charms checking out the news sites, with Good Morning America on in the background, and it was about the time when all that bullshit noose propaganda was abound and the Imus story had just hit. Al Sharpton was all over the airwaves and Jesse Jackson was at home planning his angle on the media. I immediately thought she was full of shit.

I totally suspected that she probably planted that noose herself in an attempt to gain some sort of publicity. What better way than to play on the nation's racial tension issues and slight propriety to jump to conclusions; fear mongering if you will. Why else would she have a fucking speech prepared and several media outlets there at a moments notice? Turns out it was a distraction from her plagiarism case! Of course she tried to link them and say that she was being persecuted but I am not that easily swayed. Besides, the cynic in me doesn't believe anyone really so I knew she was trying to play the victim in some capacity.

It's people like this that make me not give a shit about racial issues. There are, of course, legitimate conflicts that need to be dealt with but at the same time you have idiot fame whores like this "professor", of psychology no less, trying to get into the spotlight with false accusations and lies and it makes the whole process look like a pile of fermenting dog poo. I like the fact that her ass is on the chopping block but how about fining her and sending her ass to jail. Make an example of this douchebag...

A Good Idea Actually...

"Angry Kids Protest Gas Prices After Mom Cancels Cable TV"

It's either food or cable, what do you want?...

I'm curious to see what these 2 girls look like. I picture them as total couch potatoes.

Seriously, God forbid if we actually have to go outside to play and entertain ourselves rather than sit in front of the appropriately named "boob tube". I'm sure they would have done the same thing if Hannah Montana was cancelled. The next protest will be about mom having to buy Toasted O's at Walmart instead of name brand Cherrios...

I'm looking forward to the first round of celebrity gas endorsements. Like the first few would all be "B" list celebrities like: "Judith Light for Exxon Mobile" or "Corbin Bernsen uses only Shell". Then when they realize that people actually are falling for this gimmick they'll get someone like P-Dildo to appeal to the black market, Julia Roberts for the housewives out there and some action hero like the Rock to schlock to the male demo. Should be interesting...

Lazy Ass People...

I need to vent here for a minute...I am so sick of lazy ass people getting on the elevator only to go up or down ONE FUCKING FLOOR. Take the stairs you lazy turds if it's one floor up or 2 floors down!

Interesting Morning...

So...I'm dragging my ass outside with the pugs this morning because they need to shit and pee and I'd rather they do that outside than in and I hear what sounds like a cross between some good sex and a whiny celebutard coming from one of the condos near the elevator. The overly vocal female engaging in said sausage hiding technique sounded like she was liking it but was moaning and "screaming" in this whiny voice. It reminded me of a sorority girl trying to decide which Louis Vatton strap to buy for her purse. It was painful. Not too mention, ANY of the single guys on my floor are seriously hot so I was a bit jealous. That elevator certainly did take it's sweet time getting to my floor...

Anyway, we finally make it to the pugs favorite dumping area and I see my neighbor standing outside smoking a cigarette all stealth-like. The same person who was lecturing me on the hazards of smoking a few months ago. Well, kettle, I was curious as to why he was smoking and the look on his face was priceless! Busted. By the way, He said he was stressed...

So...We get back up to our floor and the hallway is dead silent. Mission accomplished in whatever bedroom that was previously alive with nookie. Dogs get fed and watered and I leave for work. As I get outside, I see something on my vehicle and it's a piece of string (resembling a shoe string) with the words "danger" embroidered throughout. Weird. Then, of course, my superstitious mind starts to wonder if it's a sign and if I will die on the way to work. So far I'm still alive...

Almost too much excitement on a Tuesday morning...

Insert Midget Joke Here...

"Young Runaway's Alleged Dwarf Pimp To Face Judge"

Sister of Mini-Me on the loose...

LOL! Damn, this little ho had it all worked out! I love the person that gave the interview that said, "I didn't know she was a pimp, but I'm not surprised." You know she was a hardcore rival of that munchkin in the housing project world of prostitution. She probably had a few runaways locked in the closet somewhere herself.

Seriously, how do you let some 3 foot 9 inch chick intimidate you? Even at 15 years old I wouldn't have been afraid to at the very least kick the damn thing and run. And what's with those prices? $100.00 for a blow job? What? Did she have fucking magic lips? I actually can't even think of a situation where I would pay for a blow job let alone give out a Benjamin for one...

After reading this article, I totally envisioned that the mini-pimp resembled Chucky from the child's play movies...

She'll OD By Year's End...

"Winehouse Has Emphysema, Says Dad"

Crack is whack...

I can't imagine the amount of crack and heroin this trainwreck must be smoking ON TOP OF the cigarettes, so much that, at 24 you are going to need an oxygen machine to breathe. She has to be hitting that pipe all day, all week, all month.

I once knew this crackhead chick who was wired all the time. She eventually got fired from her job and started to let herself go. I always thought she must have smelt like a fucking garbage bin from Joe's Crab Shack down there after awhile. So nasty what this stuff and meth will do to people.

I don't understand the draw of heroin. I have never done it myself but they say that it's almost the same high as Oxycontin. I did take that once and it made me feel seriously sick and I thought , "Who the hell would deliberately want to feel like this all day?". I would have rather have eaten a pizza...

Anyway, I bet they are telling her that to scare her into quitting whatever substance she is on. There is a quote that I love and it's very fitting for this situation:

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

So true...

Sad News...

Grammy-Winning Comedian George Carlin Dies at 71

George Carlin died yesterday of heart failure.

This is sad.I think he is really funny. I sometimes listen to Raw Dog on Sirius radio and he is always on...

No Class While Getting It In The Ass...

"Park officials target sex in the dunes"

Oh jeez, I have heard so much about these dunes, it has actually hindered me from wanting to go to this place.

I have a friend who keeps telling me that Provincetown, MA is not a sex hive for gays but after reading this, I think maybe he has been lying.

I had a different friend who told me that he went there to P-Town and they were walking in the dunes exploring the area and they saw a huge line of people. So, they walked over to see what they were all waiting for thinking it was some sort of BBQ or something like that and it turned out to be a line of people waiting to fuck some gross queen's ass right out there in the open. Just standing in line there like they were waiting for Maury tickets outside the theater. He said that after the initial shock of that, they turned and got the hell out of Dodge.

After moving out here, I've found the men to be far scarier than out west that's for sure. I went camping once and had a guy just come into my tent and try to pull my pants down. So fucking rude...

Does This Tat Make My Ass Look Big?...

"Too tattooed to work?"

Tattoos can be very off putting in some circumstances and hot in others...

I have mixed feelings on this one. Although I have a tattoo myself, I don't think that ALL tattoos are something that should be flaunted in the workplace. There has to be some form of professionalism when entering the job market, especially in an environment that I currently work in. We do have a business casual dress code but at the same time you shouldn't be coming to work looking like you just woke up and rolled out of bed or just came from the beach. Too inappropriate. Likewise, when you come to work I feel like I don't want to be looking at someones tattoo of a skull with a knife through it all day long. If I was out at a club, I wouldn't give a shit, at work- different story.

I also wouldn't like to be served at a restaurant by someone who had all kinds of piercings coming out of their face and tattoos up the wazoo while I'm trying to enjoy my overpriced steak and baked potato. It's not classy in an environment like food service. Just as I wouldn't want to be served by someone who had all kinds of black shit under their nails. Appearance baby...

Now, would I enjoy hanging out with a tattooed up leather daddy on a Friday night? What do you think? There is a time and place for everything...

PS. That ultraviolet tattoo sounds really cool. I had never heard of that one before...

Moms To Die For...

It seems that whenever you see child abuse cases in the news they are generally hardcore and these 2 are no exception:

Caged boy 'skinned, eaten by family'

Extreme Torture of L.A. Boy Prompts Outrage Toward State Agencies

It's really sad that some people out there have absolutely no compassion or feelings toward a life other than their own. I couldn't imagine doing any of this crap to my dogs let alone a child I gave birth to. What the F is wrong with people? All of these woman should be locked up and made to sit in their own shit and piss for days and see how they like it.

Just pondering on that one for a minute here. What if the price you paid for your crimes was truly "an eye for an eye"? Can you imagine? Would the crime rate drop in this country? Do you think it would deter criminals from doing what they do? I think maybe if it was televised, that may make an impact. Then again, we'd probably have people trying to do shit just to get on TV...

If This Cardboard Box Is A Rockin'...

"Report: Gloucester Teens Had Pact To Get Pregnant"

Stupid pregnant teens irk me. There's just something sad about a girl who doesn't have the brains or will power to keep her legs crossed...

Are you kidding me? Seriously, what a bunch of morons to even think this was anywhere in the vicinity of a good idea. Our country is totally going to hell and it's starting to really become a contest among the millions of idiots out there as to who can become the next outrageous headline. Like this:

"We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," he told Time.

LOL! Where are all the parenting skills in this country. People need to start taking control over their kids, start beating their kids asses more often and stop letting them run fucking amok...

Suck In The Gut Baby... Redux...

I also saw this winner on the news last night and I was right, as I wrote earlier in the week here, she is a pig. She was giving an interview with a reporter and came off as a total golddigger. First of all, she's in her 50's. Not to say that women of a certain age can't wear sexy undies, but would you really want to see that? And don't bring up Kim Cattrall...there are always exceptions, of course, and this mess was not even close. Secondly, I saw no sign of trauma to her eye or any lasting effects and it seemed like she was just totally looking for a way to bank some quick dough...

So You Think You Can Dance...

I was watching this show last night and I had to ask myself, "When did Mary Murphy become a full fledged drag queen?". She's got the bouffant hair going like something out of a 90's Ru Paul video and this leopard print bustier with lace edging, hooker gloves from Frederick's of Hollywood and make-up by someone who's obviously blind or hates her. I do like her though, she just needs to get a different stylist...

Then there's that total be-och Mia Michaels. What an ass. You can tell she is still working through those issues of being the ugly girl in a room full of beauties. It seems like every girl that danced was committing some sort of crime by the reviews she gave last night. Aside from the dance critiquing she got a little too personal for my liking and it made me think she was a very bitter See You Next Tuesday.

They also have these stupid montages or "snippets", if you will, of the dancers right before they perform. I guess they are supposed to get us better acquainted with their personalities so we can make a better voting decision but they all come off as fucking idiots to me. Some of these people are so annoying and fake it's ridiculous. My favorites are all the total queens trying to act like they actually like poon. One guy was saying, "Too bad she already has a boyfriend" as he flung his feather boa around his neck. I was born at night but not last night...

What No Tampon Machine?...

"Cross-Dressing Students Get 'Transvestite Toilet' at Thai School"

Oh those crazy trannies are at it again...

LOL! I love this line:

"Three transgender students praised the new restroom as they plucked their eyebrows and applied face powder in front of the mirror outside the stalls."

So gay, lol. These Thai trannies don't mess around. So weird how the level of tolerance in other countries far surpasses that of the US. Then again it doesn't helo that every gay character on TV or in the movies is this flaming stereotypical queen who cares more about their make-up and hair than they do about acting like a normal person, if there is such a thing...

Suck In The Gut Baby...

"Dinged By A G-String? Woman, 52, sues Victoria's Secret, claims injury from defective thong"

Is this the front or the back?

Oh Good Lord... What next? I thought this was going to be some kind of ass crack or hoo-hoo injury not an EYE INJURY! How the hell was she putting these damn things on? She's probably overweight and tried to fit into something not designed for the size of her ass and the damn thing snapped and poked her eye out. They even asked to examine the garment but the plaintiff refused. They were probably all stretched to capacity and shredded and it probably would have hindered her lawsuit.

It reminds me of that scene in Polyester where Cuddles was trying on the "designer" dresses but she was really chubs and she kept ripping them apart over her gut and upper punky fat. Hilarious...

WAH! You Hurt My Feelings...

"How I nearly lost my business after refusing to hire a Muslim hair stylist who wouldn't show her hair"

Maybe she has no hair? Who knows?

I have one thing to say to this Muslim chick: "Fuck you idiot." If I had to pay out for every time I didn't hire someone because their feelings were hurt I would be totally unemployed right now. If you work in a hair salon, how the hell is anyone going to know if you are good with hair when they can't even see the stylist's do?

This reminds me of that stupid be-och here in the good old U.S of A. who tried to sue the state because she wanted to have her driver's license picture taken with her fucking burka on. Someone should have taken her out in the streets and beat her ass for wasting tax payer money.

On the other hand, This lady is being totally over dramatic in that she is claiming her business is ruined. It's 7 grand. If your hair salon was any good you'd be making that in a week. Besides all the free publicity she is getting is worth it's weight in gold. And besides, every time someone sees this mad bitch coming in for an interview, they will most likely run for the hills or tell her the position has been filled..

Would You Like A Push-Pop Or A Ding-A-Ling Push-Up?...

"Ice Cream Truck Driver Charged With Raping Girl, 13, He Met on MySpace"

Do you have anymore of those Ding-A-Ling specials?

Oh my. Where the fuck were these ice cream trucks when I was a hungry 13 year old? Truly a fitting company name for this driver. Of course, the question that I always ask is: Was he hot?...

Every time I see these child molestation articles I always think of my high school principal who was arrested for playing with boy's pink-bits. He later died in jail. I always thought that maybe I was ugly because he never made a move on me when I was in school. Although I was in his office one day and it was really kind of creepy. He had this kinky hair and Charles Nelson Riley glasses. He always wore these cowboy boots, polyester pants with a rodeo type buckle on the belt and these odd looking ties that always seemed to be striped and multi-colored. He was pretty cool, aside from the molesting thing, and you could call him CJ instead of his proper name. My good friend lived on the other side of the wall from him and never mentioned any shenanigans on his part, which is strange because they all had bodies from hell. He probably watched them from his upstairs window (he had a three story house, I know, on a Principal's salary) and had relations with himself. Awkward...

I Know I Gave You Hep C But Can We Work It Out?...

"Tommy Lee Tells Rolling Stone He and Pamela Anderson Back Together"

Some people never learn that sometimes, it's best to just stay away from each other...

These two are trainwrecks. She can't get enough of that monster trouser snake and he can't get enough of those dirty pillows she slings around. It's really scary when people like this are allowed to have children yet deserving couples out there are given a hard time in the adoption process...

Secret Delight...

There's almost nothing I like better (other than seeing them trip and fall, he he he) than seeing someone I absolutely can't stand get a new hair-don't. I had this pleasure today and the butcher Potato Head (what I like to call this trainwreck) went to made an absolute mess of the twat's hair. Muah ha ha ha.

Of course, the sighting took place at the normal rendezvous for me, A Bunch of Pain. I was walking in and she was coming out. I actually did a double take because it was so bad/funny, she looked at me, I rolled me eyes and we parted ways. The back story on our relationship is that she lied to my boss trying to get me in trouble and it backfired. She then tried to be nice to me afterward and I basically gave her a "Fuck you" look and it's been great ever since.

These workplace drama-mama's are so stupid. It's like they look for shit to start a controversy and if there is nothing there they make it up. I mean do they not have anything better to do, such as, I don't know, ACTUAL WORK to do instead of lurking around corners eavesdropping or getting bundled up in everyone else's underwear? Every office has a few and at my office they abound.

I wish yeast infections on all of you that do that!...

Ouch!...

"Curse of Bond strikes again as Daniel Craig slices tip of his finger off during filming"

Daniel Craig is a god...

Shit. This is arguably the finest man on earth. I'm traumatized but I will be fine...

How Sad...

"China holds funeral for panda killed by earthquake"

Poor Panda

Ahhh. This almost mad me cry. It's sick that I care more about animals than I do about humans. Had this been a story about a child I wouldn't have given a crap...

Step Away From The Donuts...

"700-Pound Man's Birthday Wish? Marriage"

How about wishing for a jaw wiring or a lock for the fridge? There is absolutely no reason for ANYONE to let themselves get to 1,235 lbs. He blames it on junk food but how about taking responsibility for your own actions. No one forced him to stuff his face with garbage. I doubt anyone was holding a gun to his head while dangling a fucking Quarter Pounder in front of him.

The girlfriend is obviously a chubby chaser as her last boyfriend was obese and keeled over on her. She certainly has her hands full now.

It's also very sad that the only way for him to get out involves a crane and a flatbed and still he gets caught underneath an overpass. If it wasn't so grotesque it would be funny...

Seriously, I doubt that I could live that way. Imagine having to have someone bathe and wipe your ass everyday. You'd have to buy one of those hooks that you attach toilet paper to just so you could clean your own hole. You'd have to have a bed reinforced with lug nuts to support your ever increasing girth. Special garments because nothing would be off the rack in your closet. Truly depressing.

I hope he makes it down the aisle...

Why Do We Allow The Retarded To Conceal Weapons?...

"Child, 4, Shoots Self at Sam's Club With Grandma's Gun"

Granny Oakley's gun...

Why does this not shock me? All the elements are there: 1) In the South 2) gun toting granny 3) unsupervised rug rat 4) Wal-Mart...

Why does a fucking grandma have a gun in her purse? And most importantly, why the hell is she letting her grand kid rummage around in said purse knowing there's a loaded gun inside? The only thing that would surprise me about this story is if the grandma had more than one tooth in her mouth and if the baby had anything other than soda-pop in it's bottle (yeah I know the kid is 4 years old- it's the South! I bet it still wears diapers)...

Not Another One...

"Disney Star Selena Gomez Pledges to Abstain From Sex Until Marriage"

Her hole's on lock down...or so she says...

You know, I am getting sick and tired of these little Disney chicks coming out and pledging their virginity until they get married. I remember when that ho Britney said the same thing and it turned out she had already been porked by Justin Timberfake. It's all a gimmick to get popular with the Tween Set's parents. Why in the hell is the teen pregnancy rate going up when kids have so many supposedly "good influential" role models to look up to? The minute she sees a big old tube steak she'll start to rethink that promise she made to God.

When her sex tape/risque lesbo pictures a la' Hannah Montana/secretly recorded racist rant comes out they won't waste any time parading out the new golden child while simultaneously throwing this one under the bus. I give her 2 years before she is either preggo or in rehab...

Is That A Banana In Your...

"10 airports install body scanners
Devices can peer under passengers' clothes "

Body scan machine

The shit I could do with this machine, Muah ha ha ha! What they need to do is to compress it into a handheld version or better yet into one that looks like sunglasses and then I could use it at the gym. Purely for educational purposes mind you...

Another Day In Paradise...

"Video of Gruesome Hit-and-Run Released by Connecticut Police"

Hit and run, ghetto style...

This actually happened a few blocks from where I live and honestly I'm surprised that it hasn't come out that the video camera used to record the incident was not stolen itself. What a fucking ghetto neighborhood the Park Street area is. I actually have seen quite a few hit and runs there and it's nothing new. That's probably why no one gave a shit about the guy in the street because it's so common. And in the driver's defense, however sick this may sound, the people in that area tend to walk right out in the middle of traffic. Apparently, the use of crosswalks has escaped the educational system in this town.

What shocks me is that nobody ran up and robbed the poor bastard as he was lying there...

A No-Brainer...

"Kennedy to undergo surgery at Duke for brain tumor"

Tumor

I heard that the doctors started the brain surgery operation but ran into a snafu. They couldn't find it! The only thing in there was an unused life preserver...

Crickety Crack...

"Tatum O'Neal Arrested On Drug Charges
Actress Accused Of Possessing Crack Cocaine"

Crackhead

This chick is really sad. Right about now she's probably thinking she should have called dealer #2 instead of #1 or that she should have just stuck to the heroin instead...

Anyone Got A Wrench I Can Borrow?...

"Surgeons cut 16 washers from penis"

Cock rings

Ha ha! This guy was totally using these as cock rings! The article states that they had to use fire brigade "equipment" to cut the washers off of his hoo-hoo. I wonder if that means they had to use the jaws-of-life which would almost be as bad as getting a bj from someone with braces. So I'm thinking he was partying, having a good time, met some hot stud (come on, it's quite obvious the bloke is gay, a straight guy would have used string, hello) and decided that he was going to impress him with some penile origami and then got all twisted up in the steel washers. Totally plausible scenario in the gay world. What I'm interested in hearing about is: What he was thinking from the time he realized that he needed the paramedics to the time he actually called for them. All kinds of shit was probably racing through his head, LOL! Nice...

Kids Drain Your Lifeforce...

"Teacher Dies Minutes After Retiring From 36-Year Career"

Dead teacher

How much does this suck? You spend all those years having to deal with all those bratty kids (I know, I was a fourth grader) and then you kick it right after you are finally paroled. It kind of reminds me of how smokers usually die off right after they give up the habit. It's like your body doesn't know what to do with itself. She must have been so used to giving the smack down in class that the thought of not being able to do that anymore shocked her. What's going to happen when I give up booze? I perish the thought...

Real World Nature Documentaries...

I was quite surprised to see that spiders exhibit some of the same traits as some of my neighbors here in Hartford...