My Toilet Is Backed Up, Can I Use You?...

"The tape's not a fake, R. Kelly jury hears"

Pedophile

This gross child rapist will do and say anything to get off, literally.

The conspiracy theories abound on the part of the defense in this case. First they were trying to say that it's not him because R. Kelly has a mole on his back and the perv in the video doesn't have one. Now they are saying that it's all computer generated to make it look like him. What is this? A bad episode of fucking Law and Order? Why doesn't the prosecution say that maybe the mole was removed by special effects editing? That would be interesting. And seriously, we're talking 10 years ago at the very least. For someone to have access to those kinds of editing programs back then would have cost a fortune and take so much time. I doubt anyone would have the resources or the drive to do that.

I truly hope that they convict this pig. He even pisses on the girl at the end of the video. So nasty...

She's Hittin' The Pipe Again...

"Is Grandma drugged up?"

Druggie grandma

Whatever she is on, I need that too. Then again, it seems as if I am walking around in a stupor all day anyway...

Seriously, I've seen some old people's medicine cabinets and they are always filled with all kinds of shit. I totally think drug companies throw out these pills and scare people into believing that they need something or else they will die. Do you feel sad? or happy? or angry? Then take this and you won't even feel your legs let alone your own emotions! Do you sometimes feel the urge to go to the bathroom? Take this and you won't care if you make it to the toilet or not! It's really sad they way blue hairs are taken advantage of.

Tap Once For Head, Twice For...

Bathroom Reading: Sen. Craig to write book about airport sex arrest...

I wonder if this one is going to be a "How To" manual?...It cracks me up that this old fart is still denying that he is "NOT gay and never has been gay". He just has those gay eyes if you ask me. Oh, and the bathroom blow jobs were kind of a give away...

Honey, What Is This Switch For?...

"Woman in iron lung dies after power failure"

Iron Lung

I could be so crass and start in on this one but even I am not that big of an asshole.

My Gag Reflex Still Works...

Why is it that people still refuse to take a fucking bath before they venture out into the workplace? I'm not talking about the occasional time or if you had taken a shower the night before. No, I'm talking about these stink bombs who are literally on strike from the shampoo bottle and pollute the delicate air that I breathe.

I say this, as I was hit by a cloud of funk while venturing into A Bunch of Pain (Au Bon Pain for those not ITK). My morning ritual consists of logging into my computer, setting up my Ipod for a day of (hopefully) uninterrupted podcast listening and going down to A Bunch of Pain for a bagel, coffee and a large cup of ice for my daily water intake. It seems as though a totally nasty interloper has invaded the area as of late and insists on camping out at a table near the door. Normally, I wouldn't pay much attention to this but if it weren't for the fact that you are immediately accosted by this stench of what seems to be a combination of B.O., grease from unwashed hair and probably bad personal hygiene after waste evacuation.

The guy is obviously in the computer tech field as he has a pocket protector (yes they still make those) and just gives that nerd vibe off hardcore. My question is simply this: Why the fuck have they not pulled this guy aside and coached him on the proper usage of soap and water? I would totally be unable to sit in the vicinity of this person and actually be expected to work. The weather has turned warm and I can only imagine the fog of vapors that surrounds his work station. It's almost like Pigpen from the Peanuts Gang and his dust cloud. IT IS THAT BAD, seriously.

If there is one piece of advise that I can give to you it's simply this: Wash your ass and your clothes regularly...

The Shit Hits The Fan...Literally...

"Space station's sole toilet out of order"

Broken toilet

Well thank you Jesus for the shit fan still working. Can you imagine the sheer funk that would be floating around in there? Nothing like swatting a flying turd out of your way as your trying to watch some TV.

I think this is a conspiracy on the part of the Russians. They intentionally wanted us to fester in our own poopy-time. Makes me wonder how all that imported vodka is made...At least the alcohol will kill any bacteria...I hope...

Who Ordered the Fa King Dum Fuk?...

"Sharon Stone films banned in China after 'karma' comment"

Karma

Damn. Those Chinese people are bitches. God forbid you say anything disparaging against the government there or else they'll fuck you up (because that's what they do in any civilized and democratic society, right?).

This got me thinking about how this will impact the film society of China. Just think of the countless millions who will never see such gems as "The Quick and the Dead", "Sliver", Basic Instinct 2" and of course, my favorite, "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol". I guess they'll just have to settle for something a little less highbrow and thought provoking in the future...

I'm wondering how the Olympics are going to play out this summer. I totally see a food poisoning scandal affecting every team except the Chinese contingent...

Work Issues...

How much does it tick you off when you take vacation days and not a single person picks up the slack while you are gone, leaving you with a pile of now "out of compliance" work to do? So wrong...

Ethel, Are You Using Again?...

"Tokyo Customs Agent Forgets $10,000 Worth of Marijuana in Random Passenger's Suitcase"

Weed

Seriously, why can't this type of shit ever happen to me? Can you imagine the serious munchie party you could have after finding that little metal case in your bag! The tragedies that befall some people...

Jugs, Knockers, Melons Oh My!...

"Boy Lured by Photo of Pamela Anderson's Breasts Into Sex With Co-Worker"

Breasts

Is this kid retarded? Or color blind for that matter? Clearly something is amiss in this boy's brain as those are OBVIOUSLY not this chick's tits. In fact, I don't think they are Pam Anderson's anymore either. Didn't she have them removed? I think she couldn't tie her shoes or something to that effect and had to have them exorcised from her body. I digress...I'm thinking the kid was seriously horny and decided to "do" this woman regardless of the text trickery...

He Was Just Going For Some Cigarettes...

"Lost Parrot Returns Home After Telling Veterinarian His Address "

Parrot

Awesome bird! Let's just say if this was one of my pugs, they would have probably given the address to the nearest: a) food bank/shelter b) Burger King or c) litter box (well, just Pugsley anyway on that one) . I like how the bird wasn't a prison snitch to the cops. He probably thought they were going to boil his ass with some bok choy if he squealed so he kept mum on the whole "escape thing"...

How Evil Am I?...

Interesting...Here are my results:

You Are 62% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you...A lot.

http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/

I actually thought that I was more evil than that. Kind of disappointing actually...

Probably Indigestion from Fast Food...

"Doctors look for cause of Kennedy seizure "

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/05/18/kennedy.hospital/index.html

Here's a clue...He's a fucking fat pig and drinks a lot. Maybe that had something to do with it? I wonder if he was flopping around like a piece of sizzling bacon? Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't get into the medical field...

Colorado...Need I Say More?...

"2 Colorado Men Exchange Taser Shots in Confrontation Over Parking Boot"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,356566,00.html

Stupid people from Colorado abound! So, I tend to believe the restaurant owner in this one because you know those rent-a-cops are total liars. What probably happened is that the boot was put on the van, the restaurant employee tried to remove it and the security guard went ballistic. So, does everyone there just happen to carry a fucking taser gun around? Where did the restaurant owner get it and why the hell did he have it on him to begin with? Is the take out business that perilous that you have to resort to guerrilla fighting tactics to deliver the fucking Dim Sum?...

Where Did He Tuck His Whopper In That Granny Dress?...

"Drag Queen Robs Burger King"

http://www.wfsb.com/news/16293623/detail.html?treets=hart&tid=2657515164813&tml=hart_irr&tmi=hart_irr_1_01300505162008&ts=H

ROFL! This has some great fucking quotes!:

"Security cameras showed the man, wearing a dress with a revealing bust line and hair barrettes..."

"Robertson said the thief is probably a genuine cross-dresser because his necklace matched the dress, his nails appeared to be painted and the wig was well made..."

"Most of the time when somebody puts on a wig they're just trying to hide their identity by putting on something like a Halloween mask, but he's pretty..."

This sheriff must be a total bumpkin if he thinks this hot tranny mess is "pretty". He kind of looks like that guy in the Jane's Addiction video "Been Caught Stealing" who stuffed the food up his front butt in the supermarket. Sick. Honestly I probably would have lost it and got shot from laughing my ass off if I saw that come through the window...

Keep It Down Back There, I'm Trying To Get Some Sleep!...

"Officials investigating middle school sex video"

http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=8333487

This is the quality of care the kids get in this area. How can you not know that two of your students are fucking right there in the middle of class? Are you that oblivious and unaware that when there are two kids with their pants down IN CLASS, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY that it is probably not appropriate behaviour? Who hires these retards anyway? Give it a few days before every parent of every child that was in that room sues the shit out of the school district for gross neglect and endangering the welfare of a minor...And we wonder where our tax dollars go...

Is That An Elephant Dick In Your Pocket?...

"Icelandic museum offers long and short of male organ"

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN1519887520080515?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=22&sp=true

Most of these Hoo-hoo's look like something out of the movie "Aliens". All spirally and shit...gross. The whale penis is totally disgusting, it looks like the front end of a mounted tank gun. I wonder if the 2mm hamster dong is considered "huge" in the rodent world? Maybe he was the John Holmes of the pet store hamster community?

I don't know if I'd want to see some 90 year old dried up and stuffed human dick. I think at that point it's probably best to just retire the damn thing and let it rest in peace...far away from my virgin eyes...

The Sewers Are Full And The Rats Are Scampering...

"Clinton Superdelegate Reveals He Voted for Obama"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/cq/20080514/pl_cq_politics/politics2841491

I say this not because I am a Hill-billie but...Where is the fucking loyalty in our country these days. I would say the same thing if this was reversed. It seems like whomever has the momentum is like the piper leading the rats out of the city. When the other person plays his pipe louder they all follow that person, so it goes back and forth, back and forth... Just goes to show you that politicians are total liars and untrustworthy. I think Hillary should run as an independent with Gore. You know Obama is going to choose Edwards after yesterday's joke endorsement in Michigan...

Yum...

"Fast-Food Workers Spit In Customer Drinks"

http://www.local6.com/spotlight/16252770/detail.html

I think the punishment for these chick should be to eat a hamburger that the customer rubbed between their ass lips. I love Sonic but now I will think twice before I order that Ocean Water or Cherry Lime-Aid! Then again, maybe the customer was a total douche over that little speaker phone and ordered something complicated like a Coney with no cheese. I would have expected this from a KFC but not from a Sonic!...

Aliens Yes, Everything Else No...

"Vatican: It's OK to believe in aliens"

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D90KSE100&show_article=1

What they failed to mention in this article is that although it's okay to believe that aliens may exist, you still have to suspend all reason and common sense when pondering the evolution of man...

He Does Look Like Curious George Actually...

"Cobb bar protested as racist for Obama T-shirts"

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/cobb/stories/2008/05/13/mulligans_0514.html

Oh my! LOL! Pretty rude but funny all the same. If you look at the guys signs you have to take it with a grain of salt...

Can You Spare A Square?...

"AIRLINE SAT ME ON CAN"

http://www.nypost.com/seven/05132008/news/regionalnews/airline_sat_me_on_can_110626.htm

Where to begin on this one...I love the picture of the guy filing the lawsuit. I wonder if that was taken as he emerged from the bathroom of the plane? What we really want to know is if someone took a shit right before he was relegated to the assigned toilet seat. You know that as they hit the turbulence that blue water splashed up on his hiney. Now when you are forced to sit in the bathroom on a cross country flight, do you pull your pants down when you sit or do you leave them on?...

Shine My Shoes While You're Down There...

"Driver buckles beer in car -- but not child"

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/13/australia.driver.ap/index.html

LOL! Now that's Australian for beer! You can always tell a true beer lover; they really know their priorities. So ghetto. Couldn't one of the people in the back at least have put the kid on their lap or something. Maybe they were holding a Jell-O mold and running late on their way to a wedding. Who knows? The only thing that would have topped this is if the beer was in a car seat and the kid in the trunk. If you're going to do it, you might as well go all the way...

Insert "Mommy Mommy" Joke Here...

"Mom Accused Of Giving Girl Weapon For Fight"

http://www.news4jax.com/news/16246652/detail.html

So trashy. Florida seems to have the best stories about the worst people. This actually reminds me of some people back in my younger days. If you were ever to set foot in their house there would be a dog crap on the living room floor, grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner and the toilet was always running because of a bad stopper...

Toe Job...

"Eva Mendes Topless, Sucking Own Toe in Italian Vogue"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354797,00.html

So the big question here is: Were the photos taken before or after she went to rehab? Maybe she posed for the pictures munching her toe and realized this was the personal problem that she needed to attend to: Addiction to Toe Jam! A very serious issue affecting our more mature population today. No wonder why her lips are so plump...

A Penny For Your Thoughts and $10.00 For A Dime Bag...

"Ohio Man Serves Jail Time for Daughter's Failure to Get GED"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354990,00.html

I have to admit that I like how this judge operates. Now if we can only get him to throw parents in jail for letting their kids wear those God awful baggy pants that let dirty asses hang out over the belt line and I would totally vote for this guy to be President. By the way, isn't the math portion on that test really simple? Like counting change and shit like that? My guess is the girl is either knocked up at this point or has spewed forth a couple kids already, so they should put it in her terms. For instance: You have $10.00 and your babies need some Similac and Pampers. How many dime bags of weed do you need to sell in order to make up the difference to purchase both items and a bag of Cheetos for the baby (as this would be a staple of their nutritional menu most likely)? I bet she'd pass with flying colors!...

Dumbass Burn Victim...

"Wisconsin Teen Suffers Severe Burns in 'Blowtorch Game'"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,355063,00.html

Where to begin on this one...Who in their right fucking mind goes out and does this stuff? First of all I don't feel a bit sorry for the little retard as it specifically states ON THE CANISTER that it is highly flammable and to keep it away from an open flame. I think that the problem lies within our educational system actually. If we had enough money to pay teachers, instead of diverting it to other countries to fund their crap, then these little donuts would actually know how to read.

Nevermind What I'm Doing...

"Bernie Ward admits to child porn in plea deal"

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/05/08/BAIR10J9JC.DTL&feed=rss.news

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll be saying it again, but the douchebags that scream the loudest are usually the offenders. Why is it that when you have some scandal of this caliber, it's almost always someone in a position to decry exactly what they were doing themselves. For instance you have that donut in Washington (Foley) who was an advocate for child welfare yet he was texting boys with naughty messages and sending pictures through the net in an effort to stake claim to that young ass he so desperately coveted. Spitzer...need I say more? Larry Craig and his "wide stance" in an airport bathroom who ironically was against a lot of same sex issues yet forgot about that when he was trying to get some in the stall of a toilet. He did everything but crawl into the next booth! It always amazes me that people are 1) that gullible and 2) that we keep these asses in the public eye and for some we even let them keep their jobs! It really makes Don Imus look like a girl scout in the scheme of everything...

Open Mouth, Insert Foot...

"Clinton Touts White Support"

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/08/clinton-touts-white-support/

LOL. Classic quotes:

"...the party could not win in November with just “eggheads and African-Americans,”..."
"...she’d chugged down many a beer with Joe and Jane “six-pack” in an effort to woo white voters..."

So now I have a new name to call you Obama supporters: Eggheads!

Hit Me Baby...One More Time...

"Texas Teens Tell Police They Converted Skull Into Bong"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354667,00.html

If your hitting the pipe that hard that you have to dig up a dead body and use the head for a bong you have a serious problem...You're buying some bad shit! I'd either switch dealers, follow the hit with a shot chaser or at the very least switch to prescription pills...

My Bush Is Burning For You...

"New Mexico Apocalyptic Church Leader Arrested on Sex Charges"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354317,00.html

Are people really that stupid to believe any dumbass with a beard and shawl out there is Jesus? Being from New Mexico, I can't say that I am surprised that this was going on. I must say that the photo of "Jesus" is fabulous though. The shawl delicately draped across his shoulders and resting oh so gently on his windswept hair. Eyes looking off into the distance gathering visions to pass on to the followers. Makes me want to repent for that 3rd cocktail last night.

So he refused to have sex with virgins who had asked for a meat packing. Hmmm, sounds like bull Schlitz to me. What dirty old man, I mean righteous father figure head of a cult would refuse the poor young souls out there their one wish to get banged before they die and by "Jesus" no less. That would actually be a great excuse for not doing your homework, "Sorry, I was kinda busy last night. Yeah I had sex with Jesus." And what exactly does "Jesus" scream out at the moment of truth? "Oh God I'm coming!"? So twisted...

Many Moons Ago I Came Up With This Stupid Idea...

"Judge Calls Indian 'Tribe' Bogus, Orders It to Pay Damages"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354251,00.html

LOL. Now, I wonder if they just hold their tribal council meetings at a fast food restaurant or actually own the greasy spoon? And what fast food restaurant is it exactly? Burger King? Popeye's? Oh God please don't let it be a defunct Kenny Roger's Roasters! I love how the actual tribe is so nonchalant about the whole thing. Like they go through this shit everyday. Maybe I should Google myself into the Hilton or Hearst families just for the free hotel nights and free newspapers. I could then sue Paris for cruel and unusual punishment for having to carry the family name in the shadow of shame from her numerous crappy songs on that God forsaken album she heaped upon us. I'm still mad about that hour I lost actually listening to it, and that was 2 years ago!...

Cheap Bastard...

"Cabbie Returns $4 Million Violin to Grammy Winner"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354244,00.html

I think it's great that the cabbie returned the violin, but what disturbs me about the whole thing is the sheer nerve the musician has to give a reward of only $100.00 for a $4 million dollar instrument! Fuck, it that was me I would have held on to it for a few days and waited for the public appeal on national television like the Senator in Silence of the Lambs. "It rubs the lotion on the strings or else it will get no bow!". I'd send ransom notes and pictures of me rubbing it between my ass cheeks right where the chin rest is. Pure evil, Muah ha ha ha...

No News Of interest...

Well, after a relaxing and unproductive weekend there is nothing new that's happening in the world. There's still the crazy molester dad in Europe who locked his daughter up forever and impregged her like 7 times, there's the Mariah wedding thing, did she or didn't she (who cares, really)?, Obama and Hilly still at each other's throats, The president of Iran is still being a douchebag and finally some horse died after some race. Maybe there will be some goodies after lunch today? Hopefully...

Grandma's On Her Broom Again!...

"Is UFO a flying human? "

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1118824.ece

In this day and age, does anyone own a fucking video camera with motion stabilizer? WTF? Every time we see something like this it's all grainy and the video a jarring and shaky mess. Come on people, it's called Best Buy or Circuit City, look it up!...

I Know I Gave This Ring To My Ex, But It's Your's Now!...

"MERRY MARRIED CAREY: TIES KNOT WITH TOY CANNON"

http://www.nypost.com/seven/05022008/news/nationalnews/merry_married_carey_109099.htm

I love this bimbo but this is a worse move than the movie Glitter. And no prenup. LOL! This joker just hit the jackpot! I see disaster written all over this one...

Free Turkey Leg With That Purchase!...

"Judge Holds Court In Parking Lot For 500-Lb. Man"

http://wcbstv.com/topstories/Parking.Lot.Court.2.714153.html

So was this sodbuster in the front or back of the truck? I can't see a 500lbs man getting in the cab of the truck without some Crisco and the Jaws-of-Life assisting him. Seriously, how the hell do you let your self get to that point? And why is the justice system pandering to him? Make that fat ass walk up the stairs. It may be the only exercise he gets...

I Always Toss My Children Off A Ledge...

"Baby Drop In India"

http://www.nypost.com/video/?vxSiteId=0db7b365-a288-4708-857b-8bdb545cbd0f&vxChannel=Fox%20News%20Local%20%2D%20Tampa&vxClipId=2090_0501vod1&vxBitrate=700

This looks so scary. It's funny how the baby bounces up off the sheet when dropped. I guess this is some sort of blessing of the child, but I wonder how religious they would feel if the damn baby bounced off the ground...

Gross Aside...

Slow news day today and nothing interesting to comment on, so I will tell you about a gross incident that happened to me yesterday...

I was walking to my truck in a parking garage in lovely downtown Hartford when it happened. I was a few feet behind this massive (tall and fat) dread-headed guy when I noticed that the air suddenly turned warm and then I smelled something like hamburgers. I looked to see if the guy was carrying a Burger King bag or something (it had that flame broiled tinge to it) and he wasn't. Then I realized that I probably just walked through a cloud of his fart and immediately my stomach started to turn. I hurried and walked around him and he never made eye contact with me, a sure sign he was guilty. Just thinking about it brings back post-traumatic stress syndrome...